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My words knocked the wind from his sails. He pulled a hand through his hair before releasing an audible sigh.
His eyes burned bright as anger surfaced. “I’m confused. Did I do something to piss you off? To offend you? Did I . . . never mind.”
“No.”
The anger dissipated, and now it was sadness in his eyes. “Then what?” he asked, the expression on his face mirroring everything I wanted to say but couldn’t. His shoulders sagged, then he closed his eyes and nodded. “I can’t force you to want to be with me.”
“It’s not that.”
“I can respect the fact that you want some time.”
“I want you, Tyler. I just—”
He bowed his head, touching his forehead to mine. “Need answers,” he finished for me.
I nodded as best as I could, relieved he understood that I needed time to sort through this Guadalupe, López, and Tiburónes mess.
“Okay.”
Tipping my head back so I could look at him, I saw the misery and hurt all over his face. As much as I willed my mouth to cooperate and apologize, words refused to come. We stood, staring at one another for a few moments before he sighed in resignation.
“I wish you would let me in,” he said without looking at me. He raised his head, kissed the side of my head, and moved to the door. “I hope you get the answers you need, Siren.” He looked back from the open doorway. “I’ll be here for you whenever you do.Always.”
* * *
How was it that one single word had the power to effectively make me feel even worse?
I thought having some time to sit and think by myself would give me the answers I needed.
I was wrong.
In hindsight, I realized seducing Tyler in my drunken stupor may not have been the best solution. I was just trying to focus on something other than everything that seemed to be going wrong. Tyler was the one thing that had gone right for me.
JJ and Guadalupe’s faces flickered in front of me. Of course, I logically knew it was all an allusion. But I couldn’t help the guilt that seemed to consume me. JJ died. I didn’t know if Lupe was safe. I didn’t know what happened to either one of them. Both were taken without any explanation, without any kind of closure for me.
I clicked the end icon on my phone and climbed off of the couch, flipping it over and over in my hands. I had called Catherine to try and get some sense talked into me. The now half-empty bottle on the table caught my eye. The thought of drinking any more made me nauseous. I knew it wasn’t from the alcohol but from the sick-sinking feeling that I had royally screwed things up.
I looked out the window. The rain had stopped, and I could see a few stars peeking out from between the vaporous clouds.
Deciding sleep would be the best course of action, I headed to my bedroom. The door of my linen closet caught my eye. My hand shot out without me having any say-so. Tears welled in my eyes before I could stop them. Everything was perfectly arranged. Because of Tyler. I had done my best to keep everything neat and tidy. But no matter how hard I tried, I made a supreme mess of things tonight.
Tyler’s handsome, smiling face was a ghost in my thoughts even after I shut the door. The dejection and pain I caused minutes ago haunted me still. He was only trying to help. But I had been too blind to see his actions for what they were. Devoted, unwavering support for the woman he loved.
Yep. Trying to love me right now was a little like tiptoeing through a minefield.
It was dangerous and unpredictable.
My chest hurt, and my world was upside down.
I was lost, teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
I couldn’t bear the thought of sleeping in the bed without Tyler. Avoiding the painful reminder, I snatched up my pillow and the comforter and headed back to the couch.
I buried my face into the pillow as another bout of helplessness took over me. I could still smell him.
I both loved and hated that Tyler’s scent still clung to the sheets.
Nothing was going to help get Tyler out of my head.
My apartment was cold and empty. I looked to the ceiling, trying to find something positive. Everything that came to mind reminded me of the man who I let walk out of my door.
With Tyler, things always seemed to be better. He brightened even the darkest of days.
Tyler has taken my drab little black-and-white world and added color to it.
And now, even with the glow of the moon filtering in through the windows, I felt like I was trapped in darkness. Lost and alone.
