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He took his hand from his pocket to massage the bridge of his nose, then the back of his neck and shoulders. There was no question he was concerned about our future. Maybe he’d had a hunch all along that a baby wasn’t in our cards but had been putting on a brave face for me. He was such a good man. The best man. Always putting me first, making sure I was happy. I wanted nothing more than to thank him for that by making him a father. By showing him the kind of mother I could be to his children. Was there any better way to express how deeply I loved him? And if I couldn’t, would I be enough for him as I was?
Forever?
No. How could I be? No matter how much Manning loved me, and he couldn’t any more than he already did, it would never compare to the love a parent has for his child. Although not bearing my own children was proving painful to come to terms with, not being able to give that to Manning was the real knife in my gut.
I wanted to go to him, but tears built at the base of my throat. If he treated me the way he did every day—with love and respect and endless affection—I’d break down and tell him everything.
Manning blinked and shifted his gaze, as if waking from a dream. “Everything okay?” he asked me.
I pulled my robe more tightly around me, suddenly noticing the cold night air on my bare legs. “I woke up, and you weren’t there.”
He showed me his cigarette. “I needed one.”
I descended the steps and crossed the lawn to him. The act of walking, of moving, cleared the ever-present haunting thoughts from my head and extinguished any urge to cry. He’d almost quit this shit, but now he was back at it, using nicotine to calm his thoughts when I had to live with the turmoil of my own. That didn’t seem fair. I glared at the cigarette. “Why?”
He flicked ash into the grass and shook his head. “Got a lot on my mind.”
“And I don’t?” Guilt gnawed at me, an overwhelming sense of inadequacy prickling its way up my chest, a kind of emotional heartburn. Why didn’t he just come out and admit there was a problem? Why didn’t he ask me to go to a doctor, to do something, to get confirmation that we were fucked? “I don’t understand why you can’t quit,” I said. “Why do you need this? Why do you put yourself at risk every fucking day—every night?”
“I don’t smoke every night.”
“Really? This isn’t the first time I’ve woken up and found you gone. You’d rather spend your time out here killing yourself than in a warm bed next to your wife?”
He studied the cigarette a moment, then looked back at me. “I’ve had this habit since the day you met me, Lake.”
“Stupid me. I always thought I could love you enough that you’d stop killing yourself for me. I used to think Tiffany was so weak for letting you smoke.”
“I told you, nobody makes me do what I don’t want to. Everything I do for you, I do because I want to. Because I love you. This,” he said, holding up the smoke, “is for me.”
“Why?”
“Because it feels good.”
“And because it’s the only thing that brings you peace. You have so much on your mind that you have to drug yourself.” Blue appeared at my side as I balled my hands into fists. “You told me in the truck I couldn’t get away with not telling you what was wrong, but you keep stuff from me.”
“I don’t,” he said calmly. “I have in the past, yes, but not anymore. I respect you too much. You want to know what’s on my mind? I’ll tell you. Babies.”
My heart sank. I curled my toes in my slippers and muttered, “I knew it.”
“They cost money. As do dogs. Happy as I am running my own business, I have no guarantees. There’s no employer paying my wages or providing us health coverage or contributing to my 401k. I’m that employer. It’s on me.”
“Money?” I asked, my mind reeling to catch up. “You’re worried about money?”
“Fuck yes I am.”
Blue whimpered the way she sometimes did when one of us cursed.
“You can’t honestly tell me it’s never crossed your mind that my business might dry up and go away tomorrow,” he said. “And then what? What happens when we have a small human to take care of?”
I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it. Manning was worried about supporting a family he probably wouldn’t have. “I can honestly say that has never crossed my mind. Your business isn’t going to collapse for no reason, but if it does, I make a good salary. I’ve got great healthcare. You don’t have to be the breadwinner.”
