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“I’m allergic to stick shift,” I said to the gravel.
“Aw, Birdy.” He massaged my shoulder from behind. “Since when do you get motion sickness?”
“I do sometimes. I told you about that one time as a kid when Tiffany took me on the pendulum carnival ride.”
“Yeah, but lots of people throw up after that.”
I eased into a sitting position when nothing came. “You think I’m faking to get out of learning to drive stick?”
He arched an eyebrow, teasing me. “I wouldn’t put it past you—but no. I was thinking something else.”
I scanned his face as I registered his meaning. Of course, it would’ve been my next thought if I ever left myself think it. I didn’t, though. After years of nothing, there was no point jumping to such an unlikely conclusion. “It isn’t anything but the car.”
“You don’t know that.”
“We’ve been trying too long,” I said, irritation creeping into my voice despite the fact that I’d just laughed until I’d cried. He and I had been through this before, most recently when I’d I thought I’d missed my period, only to get it on the way home from buying a pregnancy test. “It’s not going to happen out of the blue.”
“Lake, honey. That’s exactly how it happens.” He took my hand, entwining our fingers. “Letting yourself want this, and hope for it, doesn’t mean it has to be heartbreaking when it doesn’t happen. It just means we have to keep pushing forward with all available methods. Not even for ourselves, but for the kid.”
I stared through the windshield, past our mailbox with the fading Summer Triangle he’d painted in red, into the thicket of trees across the street. Part of why I hated taking pregnancy tests was because with each negative result, I was disappointing Manning. He’d remained hopeful, while I’d only become more jaded. It wasn’t easy for me to wait for an outcome that never came, but over the years, I’d done a better job of mentally preparing myself. Manning seemed to think one day, the pink line would magically appear.
“We talked about this when we started the adoption process,” I said. “We were supposed to stop wishing for a biological child.”
“Why can’t I want both?” he asked. “It’s not a crime to want this, Lake. You never lost hope in me, and look at us now.” He squeezed my hand and put it back on the shift. “Wasn’t it worth holding onto?”
I nodded with a sigh. It was just motion sickness—I didn’t get it often, but like everyone else in the world, I’d had it enough in my life to know what it felt like. The way Manning smiled warmly at me, though, I couldn’t help but give in. “All right. I’ll try to be more optimistic.”
“Think you can get us back up the driveway?”
“The sun might set before I do, but I’ll try.”
After another twenty minutes on our own private carnival ride, I managed to get the car in front of the garage before I shut off the engine and jumped out.
A few steps toward the house, the dogs came running out to meet us. As I squatted to say hi to Altair, I detoured to vomit on the lawn.
“Shit.” Manning came up behind me as Vega tried to lick my face. “No, Vega,” he said, pulling her away by her collar. “Go in the house.”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“I was talking to the dogs.” He waited until I stood, then put an arm around my waist. “But we better get you on the couch, too. I’ll find something for your stomach.”
Inside, Manning put chicken soup on the stove as I went to our bedroom. Still queasy, I put a small trashcan by the bed and pulled my hair into a ponytail. As I brushed my teeth, I paced the bathroom, trying to ignore my thoughts.
That pregnancy test I’d bought but never used? It was still in a drawer under my sink. Even though I’d hidden it in the back, I accidentally came across it now and then, and each time, my heart dropped. If nothing else, peeing on the thing and tossing it would be a good way to get rid of it. I rinsed my mouth, swiped the test from the drawer, and unwrapped it on my way to the toilet. Even though I’d used this brand a few times, my nerves always got the better of me. I read the instructions to calm myself.
I was supposed to put the stick in a cup of urine—my first urine of the day—but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t going to be positive. I peed directly on it, then set it on the bathroom counter.
As soon as I’d perched on the edge of our tub, Manning leaned into the bathroom. “Soup’s ready. Want me to go get you something from the drugstore?”
