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WINTER
Water is filling up my lungs and I can’t breathe. It hurts. Everything hurts. When will I stop feeling this pain in my soul constantly?
I’m no longer in the water, I’m running…
Why am I running? I try to stop but my legs won’t. They just keep running. There’s laughter behind me and I turn my head to look over my shoulder. There’s a man running after me. He’s wearing a mask so I can’t see who it is.
“Run! Keep running! No matter where you run to or how far you go, we’ll always find you!” he taunts before loud sinister laughter fills my ears.
My feet finally come to a stop, but then pain explodes in my stomach. I look down to see blood staining the shirt I’m wearing as the spot gets bigger and bigger. I let out a scream, but it’s soundless. No one will be able to hear me like this and I’ll die…
A gasp escapes me as my eyes spring open. The sound filling my ears is one I’ve come to know all too well. I’m still a little groggy but the unmistakable sound of a heart monitor beeping can’t be missed or the smell of this place.
Yep! I’m somehow in the hospital again. I let out a sigh, wondering when the hell this nightmare will end. I go to move my hand to wipe the hair out of my face and see the bandages covering my forearm. I look at both of them and feel a wave of pain hit me at the thought of what I did.
I let out a laugh that sounds hollow even to my own ears. I did try to end it, apparently, only to fail once again. Seriously, God can’t hate me that much right?
At this point, I feel like I should be living in a fucking hospital. Once again, I couldn’t cope with all the shit being thrown at me and the self-hate goes up a notch. If my father could see me now, I think he’d be so fucking disappointed in me. There isn’t anyone here who is proud of me for anything and often times, I feel like nothing but a big failure.
I put my hands flat on the bed to push myself into a sitting position but the pain from putting pressure in my arm muscles hits me and I let out a cry from the intensity of it. I slump back down because there’s no way I have enough strength to even try that again. I probably just need to rest a little more.
I think about everything that happened to land me in one of these beds again and hate myself a little more. I was so fucking stupid and this time, I almost died again because of him. I choke up as tears well in my eyes before they fall a second later.
This is a new low I’ve sunken to and trust me, I’ve fallen way down to rock bottom because of him before. He always makes me feel so worthless and it was just too much to bear earlier. It isn’t him alone that finally made me break, it was everyone else’s voices that I let get into my head—from their nasty taunts and all the things people have done to me since I came back to Ravenwood.
Lying here and thinking about everything that’s happened, I’ve realized that we’re too toxic when we’re around each other. I think I finally need to let him go because together, we’re just burning each other’s world down and I don’t want to do that anymore.
I think about everyone and how easy it was for them to judge me and follow his lead. When you’re not facing the same situation someone else is, it’s easy to call them weak, pathetic, and not strong enough. A lot of them probably don’t even know what it means to be strong when you’re constantly being tormented day after day.
It’s so easy to call others weak when you don’t see how much that person is struggling and fighting for their lives, fighting to make it another day. On the outside, they look fine like they have their world put together but, on the inside, they’re crumbling piece by piece.
I don’t even know why the fuck I’m still alive. I’ve tried to end it so many fucking times and yet, I’m still here. Guess I’m fucking pathetic like everyone keeps saying. I can’t even kill myself properly.
Yeah, Daddy definitely wouldn’t be proud of who I am right now, and that thought is a fucking punch to the gut. That makes me sob again, and it’s suffocating me, making me gasp for breath. The machines are beeping constantly now, and I have to will myself to calm down so that none of the nurses will rush in here. I don’t want to interact with anyone right now.
Once I get it together and am calm again, I slowly make my way off the bed. I slowly walk over to the bathroom in my room and once inside, I take a minute to look out the window at the snow-covered mountains in the distance. It’s morning so I’m guessing I spent half the night here.
We’re still in Aspen and I have the urgency to leave. I want to get out of here. I can’t stomach being in this place any longer. This place used to bring me peace and serenity but now I’ll have to add it to the list of places I now hate. I almost fucking died here twice, though one of it was because of my own fault.
I turn on the water and put my hands under being careful to not wet the bandages before washing my face. The cool water against my skin feels good, and it refreshes me a bit. Once I’m done, I grab a paper towel and wipe my face.
I stare at my reflection for a long time. I try to look into the soul of the girl looking back at me, but I don’t know her anymore. It’s almost as if she’s lost. She looks exactly like me, but her eyes have sunken in, and they have dark circles around them. She no longer has that sparkle in her eyes; instead, it’s just two dull orbs. The happiness she used to wear for everyone to see is gone without a trace and my heart hurts for that girl. I know she’ll never be the same again.
Pain fills her expression and there’s something else too. It’s the desperation of not wanting to be in this world anymore. She wanted to end it all and still does so badly, but something keeps holding her back, keeping her tethered to a world she no longer wants to be in.
Letting out a long sigh, I back away from the mirror. I can’t bear to look at her anymore, so I walk back into my room. I look around the room for some clothes but find nothing. All I have on me right now is this stupid hospital gown, and that’s not much. My whole back is out.
Oh well, it’ll have to work because I need to get the fuck out of here. I don’t want to wait around for any of my friends to come in here. I know they’re probably around here somewhere and I don’t want to face anyone after the shit I pulled last night.
If my time assessment is correct, it’s probably around ten a.m. right now. Visiting hours for lunch should begin soon and I need to get out of here before that happens. I’ll just let them know when I’m home but for right now, I need to leave, to be alone.
This is a bad idea. I’m literally barefoot and only wearing the hospital gown but deciding not to think about that right now, I walk to the door and quietly open it before peeking outside.
Ugh, I feel like I’m in a prison, trying to escape or something. The corridor is empty, and I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I don’t even care about getting discharged and all that shit. The urgency to leave and get on a plane is far greater than getting permission to leave.
My knees are wobbly as I step outside. I take slow steps forward. I’m acting as though I expect someone to jump out at me any second and I almost laugh to myself but stop. When I’m a few steps away from my room, I begin walking briskly so that no one will see me trying to run away in a hospital gown. I’m not exactly sure where to go but up ahead is a door with the sign waiting room above it.
I figure that should be my best bet out of here because the waiting room is usually close to the exit, right? I’m not sure, but I’m going with that. My last few hospital visits were with my dad, and he usually took care of everything. He always knew where to go while I was out of my mind half those times.
