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ChapterTwenty-Three
I sensed it was morning from the brightness behind my eyelids. My puffy lids peeled back and my vision focused on the round pink clock near my bed. It had been weeks since I last saw Alex, but I still cried myself to sleep. No matter how much I did during the day, not matter how much I studied or ran, I still had enough energy to bawl my heart out at the end of the day. There was no running from the pain lodged in my chest. After everyone was in bed and the house settled for the night with creaks and groans, I pined for him. Pathetic.
Squinting in the dim light of my bedroom, I blinked as I adjusted to the land of the living. Turning onto my back, I stared up at the ceiling for a while. The clock blared that it was time to get up and plod through the drudgery of another lonely day.
No Alex. No Tasa.
I let out a weary sigh. At least I had Yo-Yo for a few more months. He’d decided to go to college, and even though he was only moving into Manhattan to go to NYU, he’d certainly move into the dorms, if only to get away from Mother.
While I stayed to rot away and die a spinster. I could move back to the apartment I shared with Tasa, but I knew I wouldn’t. It would only intensify the loneliness that already enveloped me like a shroud. My eyes roved around my room, pausing on the various shades of pink here and there. Touching the fringe on the pink lamp, I decided it was time to change the décor. Considering this was my new normal, I might as well make it mine. Do something productive instead of moping around all day.
Pushing the covers off, I got ready for my day. Classes, study and practice afterward, go for a run, dinner with the family, then sleep. Over and over again, ad nauseam.
Throwing on a robe, I dragged myself down the stairs and followed the smell of brewing coffee. The sunlight glittered off the yellow walls and the chrome of the appliances in the kitchen my parents had remodeled recently.
Yo-Yo was at the counter, pouring himself a cup of coffee. When he saw my red and puffy eyes, a glower slid onto his face. Grabbing another mug, he poured me a cup, added milk and sugar the way I liked it, and slid it across the countertop toward me.
Wrapping my hands around it, I murmured a thanks and took a long sip. It was still hot enough to almost scald my tongue, but I was beyond caring.
“You look like shit,” he remarked.
I snorted. “Wow, what happened to a simple good morning?”
His gaze pinned me in place, a scowl on his face. “Enough, already. It’s been weeks, and you’re still walking around like someone died.”
I shrugged my shoulders. That pretty much summed up how I felt. “What do you want from me? I’m grieving.”
“No one is worth what you’re putting yourself through. Definitely not him,” he retorted.
“Says the guy who’s never fallen in love with anyone. Get back to me when your heart’s been broken, Yo-Yo,” I returned.
He clenched his mug and closed his eyes, taking in a long breath. “Is he really worth it, Nina? I mean, the guy dumped you so he could marry a chick he doesn’t even know. If he loved you, he wouldn’t have done that. The bastard was lucky you gave a fuck, and he threw it away without blinking twice. I know I sound harsh, but you’ve got to snap out of it already. He didn’t deserve to be with you.”
I placed the mug gently on the marble countertop. “He may be marrying a woman he doesn’t know, but he’s as much of a victim as I am. He’s doing it because someone’s life was on the line. Someone he cares for. Plus, this person is his responsibility. Agreeing to an arranged marriage with a stranger was his only option.” My hands curled into themselves at my sides. “I’d do the same thing if your life was at risk, so I can’t blame him for making the right decision.”
Jabbing a finger in my direction, he said, “Ah-ha! See, right there! The fact that you’re in love with a man who has to make those kinds of decisions is fucked. Can’t you see that? Why can’t you see that and find yourself a normal guy?”
“Whatever,” I replied, feeling utterly exhausted. I’d barely had the energy to make it through the day before I even stepped into the kitchen. I definitely didn’t have the energy to argue with my brother about Alex. Dragging myself to the small kitchen table by a bay window lined with pots of herbs my mother grew, I slumped into the nearest seat. “It’s not like I chose to love him, Yo-Yo. It just happened. And it didn’t work out for reasons that were out of his control.” I gave a defeated shrug. “If you don’t understand, then I can’t help you get it.”
Bringing me my coffee, he took a seat across from me.
“I wasn’t going to have a man’s death on my conscience,” I explained. “I wasn’t going to ask him to let people die so we could stay together. He might’ve done it, if I’d asked, but I couldn’t.” A profound sadness slid through me and settled like a heavy stone in my chest. My shoulders slumped forward.
“Your integrity is mind-blowing,” he joked.
I gave him a small smile. It was the best I could do.
His hand reached out and clutched mine. “I can’t stand watching you like this. You’ve never been depressed like this before.”
“It’ll pass,” I stammered out, biting down on my lip to stop from crying.
“Are you sure?” He tipped his head to the side, doubt etched on his face.
“What do I know?” I rasped out. “I figure it will have to pass at some point. I had the choice to stay with him until the wedding, but it was more than I could handle. I’m sort of at a loss, right now. I’ll be graduating in spring, but I don’t know what to do next. Maybe get an MA in music therapy…I’d like to work with kids and have music be part of my life, but I don’t know.”
“Yeah? I could see you doing that,” he said with an encouraging nod.
“I missed most deadlines to start in the fall, but I’ve been researching different programs. I’ll stay here and find a job until I get in somewhere. But I’m warning you now, I will only apply to programs on the other side of the country. I need a break, and…honestly, I don’t know if I can live here, knowing I might see him with her in the neighborhood. I mean, he’s around all the time, at the café or at his mom’s house.”
