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More than he could know, she thought grimly. “I don’t want us to complicate what we have. We both said from the outset that this – us – is just a casual holiday thing. If we start going on dates, we run the risk of thinking it could be more …permanent.”
“And neither of us wants that,” he said quietly, pressing a finger underneath her chin so that he could angle her face towards him.
“It’s not about want.” She corrected. Because she did want something more permanent. With all her heart, which she now acknowledged belonged completely to the man standing before her. She shrugged. “It’s about what’s possible. You live in London, and I live in Wadeford. I have a son.”
A muscle clenched in his jaw. “People have conquered such tyrannies of distance before.”
She shrugged. “That’s not what either of us wants. I know you, David.” She sucked in a deep breath and said what she’d been thinking since first she’d met him. “You’re obviously in the middle of something. I don’t even think you know what you want.”
He narrowed his eyes, momentarily caught off-balance by her perception. “What, exactly, do you mean?”
“There’s just something haunted about you. I see it in your face sometimes. And… you talk, in your sleep.”
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He raised his eyebrows, running a hand over his stubbled chin. “I do?”
“Not enough that I can make out what you’re saying.” Her face was momentarily guilty. “But I can tell that it’s bad. That you’re upset.”
“Jesus.” He swore under his breath. “I had no idea I was such a mess.”
“I didn’t mean that!” She denied hotly, replaying her words and cringing at her insensitivity. She’d always called a spade a spade, though. “You’re great… but… maybe it’s some unfinished business with your wife. I just feel like… there’s more to you.”
He hooked his thumbs into the belt loops of his jeans, staring unseeing at the ocean.
Katie sucked in a breath of air and tried again. “It’s just… I don’t think you want a relationship right now. And I can’t afford to put Maxie through an emotional ringer. Do you know how hard I’ve worked to give him a stable, happy life? This scares me.” She pointed from herself to him. “I’m scared because for the first time since Maxie was born, I feel myself wanting to leap off a cliff with you, regardless of the consequences.” She shook her head. “It’s better if we keep things as they are.”
“The safe option? I’m disappointed, Katie.”
“There is nothing safe about you,” she retorted emphatically, trying to get away from the serious ground they were covering.
“So I’m good to screw, but not to date. Thanks for clarifying.” He felt something unfamiliar burn through him. Hurt. She had hurt him. It was a totally foreign feeling. Even leaving his wife had been something he’d approached prosaically. After what she’d done, there had been no way he could ever look at her again, but he had still made the decision with a degree of emotional detachment.
Katie’s appalled face showed his words had hit their mark. “Don’t say that, David.”
And though he’d encouraged the lie, he hated hearing that name from her lips now. It made him irrationally angry. “Say what? The truth? You’ve had a dry spell and then along I come, ready to indulge your every fantasy. A willing sex slave, but I’m too messed up for you to want to actually get to know? To date? Don’t you see how insulting that is?” He cringed inwardly at the hypocrisy. How many women had he taken to bed and never called again? Wasn’t Katie just doing exactly what he’d asked of her?
“A dry spell! How bloody dare you! I’ll have you know, you’re not the first man I’ve met who’s offered to ‘service my needs’.”
He felt jealousy knife his gut at the mere suggestion of her with another man. But he’d never been turned down before. Not once. He was a confident, sought after bachelor, who ran his own billion dollar business. And sure, Katie had a point. This business in Iraq had thrown him for a loop, but he couldn’t believe she didn’t want anything more to do with him. He threw his hands in the air.
“Don’t be so crass, Katie. It doesn’t suit you.”
She made a sound of anger and turned away from him.
“Dinner was a bloody terrible idea. Just forget I even asked. I wish I hadn’t.”
“So do I.” She shot back, snapping her camera out of its tripod and slipping it back over her neck. She deftly folded the tripod into a quarter of its length, an action she’d performed too many times to count. She slid it into her backpack and pulled it on, turning back towards the path without looking at her companion.
Katie was fit, and she’d walked this path over and over, so she felt quite comfortable storming off at a cracking pace. Her head was swimming with their stupid argument. Why had she been so sure dinner would be a problem? He was right. They did eat together every night. They sat up late, talking, and then they went to bed, together. They’d broken through all of the boundaries they’d originally established, so what was one more?
Because you’ve fallen in love with him, her sensible inner-voice cautioned. And it would be foolish to pretend it could ever be more than this. Besides, she’d spoken the truth. She was sure he was battling an inner-demon that he seemed determined to keep bottled up. His prerogative, but until he’d faced whatever gave him nightmares, she had no choice but to keep her distance.
She heard the footsteps on the gravel behind her but didn’t stop.
“Katie,” he said, grabbing hold of her hand. “For God’s sake, don’t run off.”
“Don’t!” Her voice shook with the intensity of emotion she was feeling. The one man she’d ever really loved and he was definitely someone she had to keep some distance from. For her own sanity. A loud clap of thunder sounded and almost immediately, rain followed in loud, splashing drops. “Perfect.” She muttered, sliding her camera into its case and adding it to her backpack.
