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Inthecaron our way home, I feel… I honestly don’t know what I’m feeling. Incomplete, I think that’s the best way to describe it. Being out in the real world with Alec, Kas, and Coen started perfectly, but having Coen on the outside of our joining has left a bitter aftertaste.
Coen is the biggest deception of them all. He is the embodiment of the saying, “Even Lucifer was once an angel.” At least he is to me. Coen is who I thought was the boy-next-door with a naughty streak. Never would I have pegged him to be as broken and dark as he is. I immediately feel guilty for thinking about him like that because I don’t see it or him as bad.
He’s mine. It’s as simple as that.
What isn’t simple is that I still don’t feel like I know him. Despite that, he’s the one I called when I needed help the most. I don’t regret that. For better or for worse, I need him as much as I need Kas and Alec.
I wasn’t lying when I tried to explain what they all meant to me. Even though I might have sounded like a bad greeting card, it’s how I feel in my heart. I know this as surely as I know I can’t be complete until Coen gives me his all.
All this turmoil makes me even more tempted to whip my phone out so I can call my personal helpline, though I refrain. It’s only been two or three days since my last call, but I haven’t felt the need until now. My time with Kas helped quiet the maelstrom inside me, and satiate my need for those calls and Neil’s blood. But even Kas’ confessions can’t drown out what’s living inside me now.
Something has bloomed from the pit of my despair.
Something dark.
Something angry.
Something even I don’t understand.
At first, I thought Mark’s death brought on my anger and anguish, but since Kas forced me to look deeper, I know better. Neil took my entire life from me. He single-handedly tore down each brick I used to build my very existence, and now I’m left to pick up the pieces by myself. Well, not entirely. I know Alec, Coen, and Kas are by my side, but it’s not the same as what I had with Mark.
Ugh, everything would be so much easier if we could start over somewhere. Leave Atlanta behind and have a fresh start together. However, since they’re not open to moving into a different house, I doubt another city or state is on the table.
I harrumph with annoyance that they’ve already thought this far ahead. Actually, I suppose my vexation is more because I hadn’t thought about any of this, and I should have. Knowing that it’s futile to argue with them when they’re all in agreement, I don’t.
“You guys don’t want to move; I get it.” We’ve barely made it in the front door. “I guess I’ll look into getting my apartment put on the market and start packing up.”
Alec immediately offers to help, and I take him up on it. Not just because he’s a handy one to have around as the muscle, but more because I like the idea of spending some alone time together.
“How long do you think it will take?” I ask, already mentally calculating when I will need to hire the cleaning company.
Giving me a perplexed look, Alec answers, “A week, maybe two. Why?”
“I don’t want to clean the place top to bottom,” I simply say.
“Marilyn replied to my text, and apparently she’s not doing the recital thing. She twisted her ankle and—” Kas’ eyes become hazy as though he’s trying to remember something. “What did you say about cleaning?”
Coen and Alec exchange concerned glances. Taking a step closer, Coen says, “Kas?” His voice is soft and almost cajoling, as though he’s speaking to a spooked animal rather than his brother.
“No, CJ, this is important,” Kas insists. “There’s something. I just can’t remember what.”
A long beat of silence follows, and we all look at Kas with matching expressions of eagerness. It’s a bit anticlimactic when he doesn’t follow the statement up with anything but a pained expression.
With forced indifference, Coen says, “Well, maybe you’ll remember later.” My heart breaks for Kas as he continues to look lost.
“I’ll… Umm…” Kas looks at me with a confused look on his face. “So you’ll really move in?” The abrupt change in topic shocks me, and I reflexively look at Coen, who subtly shakes his head.
“Yeah?” Even though it’s meant as a statement, my lack of conviction makes it sound like a question. “I mean, I already live here. Don’t I?” Kas is acting so weird that I feel the need to clarify.
“You do. Of course you do,” Alec interjects, though I don’t look away from Kas.
“Sweets!” He reaches for my hand and pulls me closer. “You’re ours, it’s that simple.” Then he beams so wide it’s infectious.
“That’s what I thought,” I say with a smile of my own. “I need more closet space and probably a bathroom of my own.” The lack of closet space is an actual concern. But I don’t need my own bathroom, I’m just throwing that out there because I don’t like feeling cornered—even if it’s the good kind.
“Sold!” Kas exclaims, blowing me a kiss and fluttering his eyelashes in an exaggerated way that makes me roll my eyes.
Out of my peripheral, I notice Alec frowning at me. “Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, there’s something else we need to talk about,” Alec says with a pointed look at Kas, a look that makes him squirm as though he’s uncomfortable.
