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Chapter 8
Zariah
The years that separated us, they didn’t erase my memories of Nolan. He never could hide his emotions from me. Which was perhaps why it had hurt even more when things ended between us. I’d questioned everything I knew about the man who had been sharing my bed.
The man I’d loved.
Had I really been so easily duped by him, when the rest of the world had jaded me to how fake people could really be? I couldn’t wrap my head around it back then, yet that was exactly what seemed to have happened.
His explanation made so much sense, but I didn’t want to believe him. Or maybe I just wasn’t ready to believe him.
Looking into his eyes, I knew he was speaking the truth. And with that knowledge, everything else came flooding back in. His caramel-and-coffee eyes were so open, telling me everything I’d ached to hear in the past. His pain at losing me, the rage he’d more than proven if the pictures of the aftermath of his beatdown of Billy were anything to go by. The loneliness I was all too familiar with.
They were all there.
But just because his eyes were openly telling me all those things didn’t mean I trusted any of it.
He might not have had a hand in what his father did, but he hadn’t been there when I’d needed him the most. And even worse, he’d purposely stayed out of my life, denying me the explanation he’d just given me, until he had needed me to get him out of trouble. Again, for his precious baseball career.
It clearly showed me that I would never come first with him, something I’d been in denial about back in law school, even though all the signs had been like neon strobes right in my face. Only an idiot would willingly step back into any type of relationship with this man, knowing she would never be his first priority.
The degrees that hung on the wall behind my desk made it clear that I was anything but an idiot.
Clasping my hands together, because I was still fighting the urge to hit him, I tossed my head back. It was a long way up, even in heels, until I met his gaze head on. “All those away games, the weeks we didn’t see each other because you had extra practices or needed to go to your mom’s Sunday dinners, I never once thought you would or even could cheat on me. But later, after your dad showed up with your phone and I had to scramble to get five million dollars in a matter of days, I couldn’t help but wonder. If you could trick me so easily, make me trust you enough that I would send you such graphic pictures of myself, then it would be nothing for you to be doing the same with a dozen different girls. Maybe not conning them out of money, but tempting them into your bed—or, fuck, just to get on their knees for you.”
He snaked his arms around me, trapping my hands between our bodies. When he lowered his head, I could feel his breath on my lips as his brown eyes blazed into mine. “Stop it, Zariah. I don’t want those pictures in either of our heads. I haven’t wanted anyone since I met you. Do you understand what that means? Baby, there has been no one but you. No one, goddamn it. My head, heart, and body only want you.”
I gulped, seeing the truth in his gaze again. At least, that was what his eyes had always looked like when I’d thought he was telling me the truth in the past. But how could I possibly believe that he hadn’t been with anyone else since me? He’d been insatiable with me. There was no way he’d gone without sex for that long. His libido would have eventually won out against his head and heart, his body overruling every other emotion or instinct within him.
That rich coffee color of his eyes overtook most of his irises. “You don’t believe me,” he choked out.
“No,” I answered honestly. “It’s human nature to need to get off, especially for a guy. Considering how you couldn’t keep your hands off me whenever we were alone together back then, I’m going to make a guess that you lasted all of two days after our breakup before you were hooking up with any pussy who shook her ass at you.”
He scrunched up his brow. “You have such little faith in how much I love you.”
“Are we still on this topic?” I asked, keeping my tone bored. “News flash, ballplayer. I don’t believe you loved me at all. Not then, and especially not now.”
The arms around me tightened. “Give me a chance to prove it.”
“No.” I tried to shrug out of his hold, but my pitiful attempts were no match for his strength . If I was honest with myself, I liked being back in his arms too much to truly attempt to break free. It had been too long since I’d had a man’s touch that I actually craved. A swift knee to the balls would be all it’d take to get him to release me, yet I didn’t even try to lift my leg.
The degrees on my office wall laughed at me, mocking me and calling me a fool for being so stupid and weak-minded that I took comfort in Nolan trying to control the situation by trapping me in his arms. When he was around other people, he’d always been so quiet and laid-back. Usually, the quiet ones went unnoticed, but not Nolan. No one could help but be drawn to him. On or off the baseball diamond. Yet, alone with me, he’d become anything but quiet. He’d wanted to be in control, and I’d wanted to give it to him.
Because it was so damn freeing to just let go and let him take over. I’d spent almost every day of my life having to make heavy decisions. Back then, with Nolan in control, the pressure that had always weighed down on me had been lifted. And that sensation had been addictive.
I’d searched and searched for that same quality in every other guy I’d ever dated. But none of them could replicate what I’d felt with Nolan. I never felt any sense of security like he’d given me with him in the driver’s seat. No release from the ever-pressing weight of the world—my parents’ world. And if I was hoping to find someone who could ignite my body the way Nolan had done so effortlessly, then that was a waste of time. None of them had even inspired me to take things past a few kisses, and even those had been hard to stomach at times.
“You’re trembling.” His lips were so close, I could actually taste the mint on his breath. “But there’s no fear in your eyes. You know I would never harm a single hair on this beautiful head.”
I tried to look away, but my gaze was continuously drawn to his mouth as he spoke. That slightly crooked bottom tooth that I’d always been fascinated by. Why was it the only one misplaced when the rest of his teeth were so perfectly even? The scruff on his upper lip and chin reminded me how it had felt to have it scrape against my inner thighs, and that did little to help my shaking limbs.
My body ached, and it was all his fault.
No matter how many times I’d gotten myself off, no matter how many different battery-operated boyfriends I’d burned through, nothing had ever felt as satisfying as when Nolan had been inside me, his thick, heavily veined cock rubbing over that secret place that craved him.
“Tell me, Red,” he commanded. “Say you know I would never hurt you.”
I sucked in a breath between my clenched teeth, fighting my body’s reaction to him. “I know you would never physically hurt me.” I amended his words and got a growl in response. “There are different types of hurt, Nolan. And you’ve already broken me once.”
