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I blinked back tears, trying to rein in my emotions, because Nolan had just opened a box I’d never let anyone else close to before. Not even my own family. The only one to come even remotely near it was Tony, and I hated that he knew my deepest secret. “I love my family very much. Every single member of it. My parents are amazing. I’ve never doubted their love for me. But if I’d been given the chance to choose, knowing all the risks that came with growing up a Donati? The dangers, the death threats, the fear that lives inside me every minute of the day, whether I acknowledge it or not? No, I would have happily picked a family at the opposite end of the poverty spectrum.”
Surprise filled his dark eyes, and I once again sensed Tony shifting uneasily because he knew exactly what I meant. He understood why I didn’t want this life. Why I didn’t want to be Zariah Donati, niece to Cristiano and Anya Vitucci as well as to Adrian and Victoria Volkov. But it was my parents, whom I loved beyond life itself, who were the biggest conundrum of all.
“You think I don’t have to worry, but all Idois worry. When you wanted me to be your agent in college, I jumped at it, not only because I loved you and wanted to support you in any way possible. But because I wanted out of this life.” Swallowing hard, I shrugged. “I was ready to follow you into the spotlight of the sports world, so I could turn my back on the one my parents wanted and expected for me. I didn’t want the huge house behind my parents’ mansion, locked away behind the walls, protected by men with semiautomatic guns and dogs that are there to protect but never to play with.”
“Zariah—”
“I wanted the white picket fence in some baseball town in the Midwest, with a few kids running around chasing a dog that would rather cuddle on our bed at the end of the day than tear the throat out of anyone they deemed an enemy.” I jerked my hand out of his hold and reached for my purse.
Tossing the strap over my shoulder, I stood and glared down at him. It was better than sobbing. “And I wanted it all with you. I would have picked all of that over the life I grew up with, for you, in a split second. But you can’t even choose me over baseball in a ‘what if’ scenario. So, I pushed down the dreams I’d imagined having with you, and I went back to the future that my parents envisioned for me.” Tony stood beside me, reaching out his hand to steady me with a touch to my elbow, but I pulled away, too raw to have physical contact with anyone.
Nolan’s jaw was tight and I could see the wheels turning in his head, but I doubted he understood even though I’d just explained it in the simplest terms I could think of. He wasn’t stupid—he just came from a different world than me, and he couldn’t wrap his head around anything I was trying to make him understand.
I gave him a stiff smile and told him exactly what my future would hold—a future without him. “Which is where I’m going to stay. I’ll live with this constant fear in the pit of my stomach, of having to trust Tony and any other guard who is on my security detail for the day to watch my back so one of my family’s enemies doesn’t try to use me to get to them. And I’ll move on. Without you. I’ll eventually marry someone who will strengthen the Volkov-Donati-Vitucci power, and I’ll settle down to have those kids. We’ll live in the house I built behind the mansion within the compound walls, with the men and their ugly guns patrolling the grounds, and the dogs that I will have to teach my babies never to try to pet because they will more likely tear off their arm than lick their hand.”
Emotion stuck like shards of glass in my throat, shredding it as I struggled to contain a sob. Since getting that first text from Nolan weeks before, a part of me had held out hope—even if I’d tried to deny it to myself. But a simple hypothetical had crushed the dreams I’d secretly allowed myself to dream of with him once again.
And the worst part, I knew I still loved him.
This man, he was my heart, and he always would be.
Nolan caught my hip before I could ease past him. His fingers bit into me desperately. “I have five years with the Yankees before I can even discuss a trade. You put that in stone, Red. I can’t get out of it unless they decide they don’t want me anymore.” His throat worked hard, and his eyes pleaded with me. “But I swear, as soon as the contract is up, you can shop around for one of those Midwest ball teams. I’ll give you the house with the white picket fence, the kids, and the dog. Whatever you want, it’s yours. Just give me a chance, baby.”
Closing my eyes, I tried to get myself under control. Inhaling slowly, I lifted my lashes and gave him a sad tilt of my lips. “All I truly want is to come first for you, ballplayer. But the game has a bigger hold on your heart than I ever will hope to.”
