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Chapter 19
Nolan
Thrusting my fingers into the tops of my jeans pockets, I frowned down at the grave. It had been weeks since the funeral, and the dirt had already settled so that it was even with the rest of the ground, but the color of the grass on top told of how recent the burial had been.
When Frank called to tell me of my father’s passing, Zariah had still been healing from the loss of her cousin. There was no way I was going to leave her during that to go to a funeral for a man who didn’t deserve my respect. Fuck, I hadn’t wanted to leave her, period, but my coaches were only so understanding. Yet it had been Zariah who had pushed me to get back to playing the game.
The first few away games had been rough for me. I didn’t want to leave her behind. Not only was she still having trouble sleeping, but just the thought of being away from her overnight after what had happened the last time I’d traveled for work was enough for me to break out in a cold sweat.
But she’d promised not to leave the townhouse unless necessary. She’d been living with me since Nova’s funeral and had started working remotely from home. No one seemed to mind, because more work got done when she wasn’t in the office. The few times she’d tried to go in, she’d spent the day just staring at her computer screen or out the window.
The rest of her family was trying to get back to normal as well, but they seemed about as successful at it as Zariah. Losing Nova had fucked them all up. I didn’t truly understand it, though. Other than my mother, I had never cared enough about anyone else in my family that my world would have been turned upside down if I’d lost them.
That wasn’t true now, however. If I lost Zariah, it would destroy me. I knew I would be exactly like Ryan Vitucci, a shell of a man just going through the motions but not really living because my soul had withered and died with the woman I loved.
I felt sorry for the guy. Just looking at him made me aware of how short life could be, and how I needed to cherish every moment I had on this earth with Zariah.
Which was why I had been reluctant to make this trip after the last Atlanta game. It was a few hours to where my parents had lived in South Carolina, where my father was now buried, but even that seemed like too much time when I could have already been on a plane back to NYC.
Back to Zariah.
Yet I couldn’t not make the trip. Something was compelling me to go there. It wasn’t the sense that I needed to say goodbye to the bastard or to show any respect. Maybe I just needed to see his grave to make sure it was true. That he was really dead and that he couldn’t harm my relationship with Zariah ever again.
One less thing to haunt her when she was already being besieged by a hundred other ghosts and regrets.
The plot where Joel was buried wasn’t too far into the cemetery. He’d been smart enough to get himself some life insurance, so his funeral expenses had been paid. The rest was supposed to go to me, or so Frank had said, but I’d told him to give it to Ma or donate it. I didn’t want anything from that man. It would only taint my life.
After the game earlier that day, I’d rented a car and made the drive, but I hadn’t brought flowers. This wasn’t supposed to be a heart-to-heart moment with my dead father’s grave. I wasn’t even sure what it was supposed to be, but any part of my heart this man had ever lived in had turned black and died when he’d caused me to lose Zariah back in college.
I wasn’t sure how long I stood there, simply staring down at the headstone. It lay flat on the ground at the top of the grave site. Nothing more than his name, birth date, and the day he’d passed. There was no noble quote, no “loving father,” not even the truth. “Here lies a drunken wife-beater who conned a beautiful soul out of millions of dollars.”
No truths, no lies. Just the dates he came into the world and left it.
Frank said he’d died alone—not even the hospice nurses had been at his side when he’d taken his final breath. For some reason, I was content with that knowledge. Joel hadn’t deserved anyone holding his hand on his descent into hell, where he belonged.
I’d grown up going to church every Sunday, but after seeing how fucked up the world really was, I wasn’t sure if there was a heaven or hell outside of what was on earth. I’d experienced both, and now that I had Zariah back, I knew what heaven truly was.
The sound of crunching gravel and sticks under light feet caught my attention, and I lifted my gaze from the headstone to find Zariah walking toward me. Dressed in a white sundress with her hair floating around her shoulders, she looked like an angel as she carefully made her way around a few other headstones to reach me.
As soon as she was close enough, I held out my hand, and she gave me a soft smile as she curled her fingers around my own. “What are you doing here, Red?”
“Your mom told me you were planning on coming here. I didn’t want you to do it alone. I flew down this morning and spent the afternoon with your mom and Frank before Frank drove me here.” Releasing my hand, she slid her arm around my waist and rested her head on my chest, before finally turning her attention to Joel’s headstone.
She was quiet for so long that I started to worry. What if she let the memories of the past start to creep back in and she decided she couldn’t be with me after all? What if—
“What are you thinking, Red?” I choked out, needing to know before I drove myself crazy with all the “what if’s” her silence could mean.
A grim laugh left her. “For the longest time, a part of my brain made Joel Krenshaw a boogeyman in my mind. But after everything that…” She paused and swallowed hard. “…happened to Nova and Ciana, well, now I know what a real boogeyman looks like. Your dad, he was a bastard, but it was nothing more than greed that drove him. Back then, I always thought I would never be able to forgive him, but considering all the shit we’ve been put through by truly bad people these past few months, I think…”
I held my breath, waiting.
Zariah inhaled slowly and smiled as she released her breath. “I forgive you, Joel. This doesn’t mean I like you any more than I did before, and I sure as hell don’t expect you to rest easier knowing I’m letting the past go. But it makes me feel better.”
A lump filled my throat, and I cupped her face, turning her head to look up at me. “Thank you,” I rasped. “Not for him, but selfishly, for me. I had this fear that one day you would wake up and decide that because of what he did to you, you couldn’t be with me. Knowing you forgive him…” I shook my head and was startled when a tear slipped down my cheek. “It gives me hope for our future, Red.”
Her brow scrunched up. “Hope for our future?” she repeated.
I nodded, a few more tears spilling down my face.
Huffing, she took a step back, and I had to drop my hands to my sides. Hers balled into fists, and she popped them onto her hips as she glared up at me. “Excuse you, ballplayer, but our future is already set in stone. We’re getting married. Maybe not this year or even next. I honestly don’t care when it happens, but don’t think you’re going to get away with not putting a ring on this finger.” She lifted her left hand and wiggled her fingers at me. “It doesn’t have to be too big, but I’m partial to a princess cut. And I expect you to wear a ring too, even if it’s just one of those rubber things during the season so it doesn’t fuck with your pitching. All those thirsty bitches need to know you’re taken.”
Fighting a grin, I gently grasped her wrists and lifted her fists to my mouth, kissing each one in turn. “You want to marry me, Red?”
Her glare softened, and she melted into me. “One day, yes. I love you, Nolan. I want to spend my life with you. Do you…want to…marry me?” she asked hesitantly.
“You would already be my wife if I had my way, baby.” I kissed the tip of her nose, not caring that I was still crying. “I love you more than anything, Zariah. I swear on my life, I’m going to make every dream you’ve ever had come true.”
