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"Mm-hmm," Josh said next to me as I navigated a lane change to pass a super slow car.
"And one night, after dinner..." Shit. I shook my head, trying to decide how many details I wanted to give Josh, if I could even stand to tell him everything. "Well, one night, after dinner, we maybe had a little too much to drink, and my dad..." My voice trailed off as I fought the emotions.
Josh was silent, like he knew I was having a difficult time.
I swallowed hard and forged on. "Well, my dad accidentally fell overboard."
Josh let out a loud sound, almost like a choking laugh, making me turn to glare at him. "You're—you're serious?" he asked.
"Yes!" Sadly, Josh wasn't the first person to think I was joking at first.
"Oh, my God. Sorry. That's... it's just unbelievable." His eyes widened in shock. "God... I don't even know what to say. That's terrible. Beyond terrible."
Terrible didn't even begin to describe it, but I appreciated the sentiment.
"They looked for him for a long time, stopped the ship, had a massive search," I continued in a monotone. "And when they couldn't find him, his body, that was it. They pronounced him dead."
"I can't—I can't even imagine. I'm so, so sorry," Josh said in a low voice.
I didn't say anything, the pain still as awful as the day it had happened. Maybe I didn't think about it every second of every day like I used to, but it was still completely raw, like an exposed wound that would never heal, especially because...
Josh put his hand on my knee. "I really am sorry."
Daring to glance at him, I was touched by the look on his face, one that spoke of caring and friendship.
Taking a deep breath, I told him the rest. Well, not the rest, because I just couldn't bear to tell him the entire story of that night, something I pushed deep down inside me and repressed the crap out of because otherwise, it would completely destroy me.
"So honestly," I said, "no need for sympathy because..."
Josh removed his hand from my leg, and I looked away from the confused expression on his face.
"Because in my heart," I confessed, "I know that he's still alive."
He didn't say anything, the only sound his sharp intake of air.
So great, here was yet another person who thought I was crazy. I could just add him to the list—my mom, my brother, Devon, Anaya, and my other friends, even a psychiatrist my mom had talked me into seeing.
"He's dead. He's gone," they'd all said to me. "You need to accept it, Jess."
I'd never told my grandparents of my feelings because I thought it'd be too painful for them. So they were the only ones who didn't think I was insane. But I didn't think that really counted. Anyone else I'd dared to confide in thought I was just clinging to the past.
"You know what?" Josh said, interrupting my internal rant. "Crazier things have happened. And the human brain, the human connection, intuition, I guess, is something I wouldn't question. I think we've barely tapped into all that we're capable of, you know?"
I stared at him, stunned. "Really? You don't think I'm a complete psycho?"
His eyes narrowed. "No. Why would I think that?"
Honest to God, I wanted to hug the guy, and I fought the sudden tears welling up in my eyes.
For the first time in three years, someone believed me. And it felt incredible, like I didn't have to hide myself and pretend. Over time, I had learned to shut up about it. So I held it all in and didn't discuss it with anyone.
"Who thinks you're psycho?" Josh asked.
"Only everyone I've ever told," I admitted, keeping my eyes on the road ahead. "Pretty much everyone in my life except my grandparents."
"God, that sucks," Josh said. "Well, for what it's worth, I don't think you're psycho. Like I said, stranger things have happened."
"You have no fucking idea how much that means to me." And now that I had someone who believed in me, who I could be myself with completely, I told him more. "The thing is we weren't that far from land, the water was warm and calm, and my dad was... I mean, is a kick-ass swimmer. He was a lifeguard for years in Venice Beach when he was younger, rescued countless people from riptides. He knew... I mean, knows water. He knows the ocean."
