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Chapter Seven
Caution
Arushofadrenaline filled my veins. My fingers tingled and my ears burned. There was nowhere he could hide from me, but I turned over blankets and lifted the beds, desperate to find him. He could barely take a step, let alone walk out of the room on his own.
My mind spun with possibilities, but there was only one plausible explanation. Dean had left before me and had come straight here.
Has he played me that well? Is he proving a point with an iron fist?
“Where’s Sam?” Beau asked calmly.
My hands shook while I lowered their beds back down. “He’s with Dean, having some guy time.”
They frowned, and I directed them to their bunks to play with some small gadgets they had brought. I closed the curtain and sat on our bed, staring at the familiar spot on the wall.
Our bed.
I would not leave the boys, so the furthest I could search was the hallway. I knew the ship well enough to make it to the showers and mess hall, but that wasn’t far at all. An exploration with our pathetic map was out, and what if Dean found out? He would think I had developed feelings or lied about my relationship with Sam. No, all I could do was sit there, helpless.
I had an electronic reader with a full charge I had kept turned off for a month. It would last hundreds of hours without a recharge, but how many hours are in a year, thousands? I knew once it died, it would break my heart. I’d probably never get to charge it again, but I needed a distraction.
I resigned to staring at my reader rather than the wall, but I read several pages repeatedly. My focus was shit. All I could think about was Sam. My brain went to the worst potential scenarios. What if he had died, and they had removed him from the bunk? What if Dean had killed him, reported he died, and then removed him from the bunk?
I asked the boys to sit with me, and I read Harry Potter until they fell fast asleep. I lifted them one by one to the bunks, nudging them both into the bottom bunk when the weight of them was too much for my exhausted arms to push overhead.
Then I lay on my side, staring at the spot on the wall. When I fell asleep after hours of worry, I dreamed I was in the water again. This time I was alone, staring at the side of a ship, unable to move my arms, so I kicked my legs to stay afloat. I still sank into the darkness, yanking and pulling my body, trying to free my arms. Strangers dove into the water all around me. They sank with me, their faces stricken with panic and fear. They looked at me for help, but I did nothing. We thrashed and jerked as we drifted lower.
When I awoke, I tried to grab my throat as I gasped for air, but something pinned my arms down on the bed. Unable to realize I was no longer dreaming, I coughed and choked and shook until I saw Dean. He had my hands pinned above me and was inches from my face. I could smell coffee on his breath with every sharp inhale.
“Rowan,” he barked in my face. “Rowan, wake up. You’re having a nightmare. Wake up!” Beads of sweat spread across his brow, and veins protruded from his neck. How long have I been dreaming?
I stilled my body as his words registered. I could see BeLew to the side, and I turned my head to them. They were flush against the wall, holding hands, eyes wide. Lewis whispered something in Beau’s ear with a shielded hand.
“Rowan, say something,” Dean repeated. He loosened his grip on my wrists and ran his hands down my forearms.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, boys,” I cried. Dean reached behind my back and lifted me upward. “I’ve just been having these terrible dreams. They feel very real. Boys, I’m just fine. It was just a dream.”
They nodded and shuffled back towards their bunks. I watched them in horror, my sisters’ voice chastising me in my thoughts. Dean closed the divider and moved back to me. “What’s happening in the dream?” he asked. “You’re sweating and shaking. It seems more like more night terrors again.”
I rubbed my wet palms on my pants and clenched my teeth. Dean rested his hand on my shoulder, encouraging me to explain.
“It’s hard to describe, really, like most dreams, I suppose. I’m drowning in my dreams. I’m always drowning and I know this sounds crazy, but it feels like if I don’t wake up, I might suffocate, like my body is shocking me awake when I’m out of breath. I feel it, Dean, the lack of oxygen. It’s terrifying. I come out of these nightmares desperate for air. I don’t know what else to say. No one knows they are dreaming in dreams. It feels very real.”
Dean moved closer, resting his chin on my shoulder. “I need to know what happens in order to help you. Who’s with you, when you are drowning?”
“I’m fine. It’s just a dream. You have helped us enough already.”
He inhaled deeply and I could feel his breath on my neck when he let the air out. “Well, I guess the arrangement works out with Sam. I don’t think you should be here alone for too long at night if you are having these night terrors.”
I had forgotten about Sam for a moment. My body tensed, and I wondered if Dean could feel it. He pulled me closer, kissed my neck, and then stood up to face me. My eyes met his, and I considered what to say next. My most horrible thoughts about Sam’s disappearance hadn’t come to fruition. He was alive, but asking about him meant I cared. I needed to appear indifferent about Sam to Dean.
“Thank you for waking me, Dean. I hate how I scared the boys. I’m glad you are here.”
One side of his lips lifted, and he moved to grab a bag from the table. “I’ll always be here for you all. You can depend on me not to vanish.” He pulled out two small containers and steam puffed in the air when he lifted the lids. He handed me one and then stuck a spoon in the hot mush.
“Oatmeal?” I asked, stirring.
Dean raised his eyebrows and nodded. “Get used to that. It’s likely an everyday thing.”
