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23
Losing the Brass Ring
Charlotte
When I was a little girl, my mom and grandmother used to take me to the carousel that had a brass ring. As the carousel went round and round, the goal was to grab the ring as it passed. If successful, the person would win a prize. I would ride that thing around and around, and sometimes I got so close. On occasion, I even touched it, but I never could completely get my fingers around it to capture it.
That disappointment times a million is what I’m feeling right now. When I left the apartment this afternoon with Oliver promising to make me dinner, I could feel that brass ring under my fingers. But when I arrived home, I discovered that it had slipped by.
My brain is a whirl of thoughts, as I try to make sense of the day. There are two things that I’m left with; one is that he’s gone for good, and two, he had probably already planned to leave when he made love to me this afternoon. That bit of knowledge infuriates me. He stayed for one last fuck, and then left. Granted, he left me in a better situation than Stephen did. After all, I have dinner, a car, and a check for the rent, but I’m too angry to accept them. The dinner pan went into the trash, while I ripped up the check. I figure I’ll donate the car to charity.
Once again, I’m humiliated. Why haven't I been able to stick to my guns, and just deal with my financial situation without letting Oliver move in?
I’ve spent the evening washing sheets and towels, and scrubbing every surface and location of the condo that Oliver has been in. I want to remove all evidence that he’s ever been here. If only I could scrub him out of my heart too.
It’s later in the evening, and Theo has knocked on my door. I open it and scowl at him, and his brows rise in surprise.
“I’m trying to reach Oliver. Is he here?”
“No, he’s gone.” I start to shut the door, but Theo’s hand presses on the door, preventing me from shutting it.
“What do you mean he’s gone?”
I’m actually surprised that Oliver didn’t confide his plans in Theo.
“He’s gone. He packed his things and left. He did leave dinner and a check, both of which, if you would like to take them, are in the trash.”
Theo is standing there in shock. I can see in his eyes, the wheels spinning in his brain. “What happened?”
“I don’t know, maybe you should ask him, Theo.”
Theo’s eyes narrow at me. “I would, if I could find him. He’s not someone to run off or shirk his responsibility.” He stands with his hands on his hips, again lost in thought. After a moment, he looks at me. “Something’s wrong. Something must’ve happened.”
I shrug like it’s no big deal, even though on the inside it feels like the biggest deal ever.
When I don’t respond, Theo glowers at me. “You don’t care, do you?”
“I did care, and then he left.” Because I am on the verge of crying the tears I’ve so far been able to successfully put off, I start to shut the door. “And now you can leave too.”
Thankfully, he takes the message and steps back and I’m able to shut it. I lean against it and then as if my entire body gives out, I sink to the floor, dropping my head to my knees and weeping.
I’m not sure how long I’ve sat here like a sad sack bawling my eyes out, but I remind myself that when it comes to men leaving, I’ve been there and done that. More importantly, I survived it. Although admittedly there’s something about Oliver’s leaving that feels worse. Stephen’s leaving felt like there was an empty space inside me and then Oliver came and filled it and then some. With Oliver gone, though, it’s not just an empty space, it’s like there’s a hole straight through my heart that will never ever be repaired.
Still, life goes on. So, I drag myself up and into the kitchen and go through the motions of making myself dinner, pouring an extra-large glass of wine.
The next morning, I am feeling proud for dragging myself out of bed and again going through all the motions of my life to get to work. Everything inside me has gone hollow, but I can do my job.
When I leave my condo a little earlier than usual because I’m taking the subway to my office, Theo is leaning against the wall like he’s waiting for me.
“I don’t know anything, Theo,” I say, perturbed that he is going to mess up the flow I have in terms of keeping myself numb so I can get through the day.
“You still haven’t heard from him?”
I make a beeline for the elevator. “No.”
He follows me. “Did you reach out to him?”
I poke the elevator button and then whirl on him. “Why would I reach out to him? He left. He doesn’t want to be here.”He doesn't want to be with me.The thought sends a well of tears to my eyes, so I look away because I don’t need Theo seeing them.
