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‘So what happenedto Mr. Flop, then?’ said Roxy, sipping on her G&T innocently.
‘Roxy!’ said Bella, as if springing to the defence of Vincenzo, and all men suffering with erectile dysfunction. I wondered if she’d be feeling so sympathetic at the end of this story…
‘Well, first hetold, not asked,toldme to make sure I shaved my fanny completely so that he could eat it for dessert,’ I said, tearing off a piece of bread and dipping it in olive oil.
‘Oh!’ said Bella, cringing as she wriggled around the leather banquette in our normal spot at Hush.
‘So you don’t have a Hollywood?’ said Roxy, widening her eyes. ‘I have to say, when it comes to tackling fanny fur, I’m totally with Vicky B on that one.’
‘What, when she said that she thought Brazilians should be compulsory at age fifteen?’ I asked, surprised at her declaration. ‘Well, if you’re with Victoria, I’m definitely in support of Gywnnie and Cameron,’ I said strongly.
‘What did they say again?’ asked Bella frowning.
‘Some nonsense about rocking aseventies vibedown there, I think,’ said Roxy, jumping in and rolling her eyes. ‘Spare me the details, Soph, but I find it hard to believe that you, Queen of the Beauty PRs, with VIP access to every laser machine and salon in the country, are sporting a fully grown bush down there!’
‘Ha-ha, Roxy. Well, I didn’t say I was. I laser my legs and my underarms, but not my nether regions. Although I know they say it’s safe, personally I’m just not comfortable having lasers beamed around down there, and it’s nice to have a little coverage for my undercarriage. As long as it’s neat, tidy and well trimmed, that’s enough for me. Plus it adds a bit of mystery,’ I said, smirking.
‘You cannot be serious, Soph,’ said Roxy in disbelief.
‘Yes, Rox. I’m definitelyTeam Hairrather thanTeam Bareon this one. Cameron’s right. Once you start lasering it, it’s gone forever, and ‘trends’ change. Yeah, the Hollywood and Brazilian are hot right now, but will they always be? I did a lot of research into this when we were working on a campaign for a waxing brand, and you’d be surprised how much opinions have changed over the years.’
‘Really?’ asked Bella, leaning in.
‘Yeah!’ I replied. ‘In the Egyptian times, women removed all their hair except their eyebrows and eyelashes because they thought it was more youthful. But in the 1500s a full bush was fashionable again. Then I think it was in the 1800s that lovers even gave each other pubic hair as gifts to one another.’
‘You’vegotto be joking!’ shrieked a horrified Bella.
‘Nope,’ I confirmed. ‘Weird, right? It was only in the early 1900s that women’s razors were introduced, and then when bikinis became more popular in the sixties, the pressure came to remove body hair. Then of course the Brazilian got invented in the nineties by some Brazilian sisters, and women went crazy for it. But there’s still plenty of support for the bush. Remember Kate Moss showed hers in that shoot forLOVEmagazine, and when American Apparel put those mannequins in the window showing their muffs?’
‘I think so,’ replied Bella.
‘The thing is, Rox, women who went and lasered off everything are now spending thousands on bikini line restoration and pubic hair transplants to actually reseed their lawns,’ I said.
‘No fucking way!’ screamed Roxy. ‘That’s a thing?’
‘It is indeed a thing. We had a London clinic contact us to do their PR to promote it earlier this year. Look,’ I said. ‘To have or not to have hair downstairs is up to the individual, but all I’m saying is that personally, I like to keep my options open, so you won’t catch me booking in for a Hollywood laser any time soon,’ I said.
‘Yeah, I get what you’re saying about lasering,’ responded Roxy, ‘but you can wax down there and still keep your options open.’
‘Idowax, Roxy! I shave too. But whenever I wax, it’s just a short back and sides. I have to be particularly careful as my hair is super curly, so too much waxing could mean painful ingrown hairs, which surely would look much worse than a bit of extra female fur downstairs.’ Bella cringed again. ‘And, yes, of course I know there’s loads of products to help prevent that, but the last thing I want to do is have to exfoliate and put loads of chemicals down there every day. Why should us women have to torture our fannies just because men want us to look like plucked chickens?’
‘Excuse me,’ said Roxy, slamming her glass down loudly, ‘but I don’tdo it for men. I do it for myself. I just think it’s cleaner and more pleasant for the guy who’s going down on you because he doesn’t have to worry about getting pubes stuck between his teeth or choking on a bloody furball.’
‘Oh my God.’ Bella winced. ‘The mental images you’re creating right now are seriously putting me off my lunch,’ she said, putting her head in her hands.
‘And another thing, Sophia. I donotlook like a plucked chicken either. Just all smooth, lovely and kissable,’ she said, giggling cheekily.
‘Well, each to their own, Rox, but don’t be fooled—it’s not necessarily more hygienic. The hair actually prevents dirt and other shit from getting in there,’ I said.
‘What, like dicks and tongues?’ said Roxy, now cackling.
‘Funny, Roxy! I can assure you, no man who has an invitation to visit my garden party will have trouble gaining access! Lorenzo seemed to manage just fine. Like I said, apart from my pre-Italy lapse, I generally keep everything tidy down there. Andcleantoo, thank you very much,’ I said proudly. ‘When I think of the hours I spent prepping for that date for him to tell me I still had ‘all that hair’ down there and he didn’t even bother to shower before we met up, it makes me so mad!’
‘Yeah, that was gross, Soph,’ said Roxy, wrinkling her face in disgust.
‘I cannot believe we are having a full-blown conversation about pubes and smelly willies,’ said a bemused Bella.
‘Yep, well, Bella this is our FTA session andanythinggoes!’ I said, laughing. ‘Anyway, that wasn’t actually the reason why I didn’t meet up with him in the end.’
