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BECKA
When I woke it was late afternoon. I still had a headache and my body felt spent. I pressed in on my temples trying to dispel the pain. No luck.
Emotions crowded my mind like people at a concert, crammed into a space that seemed impossibly small to fit them all. Anger, regret, sadness, confusion, and a dozen others shoved their way in. They were like rabbits jumping around inside my brain. Hopping and scurrying so fast it was impossible for me to grab hold of them.
The large room was barely lit by the afternoon sun peeking in through the shades. I felt so small as everything around me grew ominously.
I prayed, like I hadn’t in a long time. As much as it truly did help, I needed more. I needed the comforting voice and embrace of someone who cared about me.
There was only two people I wanted and both options presented different challenges.
The First, I wanted my grandmother. It was impossible. Even if she wasn’t three thousand miles away— and I had a phone to call her— she no longer knew me. Dementia had stollen her away to a place where she couldn’t even remember her own name. My first choice went flying out the window.
I closed my eyes and pictured her face, wondering if I would ever see her again. As tears welled, my jaw tightened. Oh, I will see her again. For that I would beg, grovel and bargain to make it happen. My grandmother was more important than my pride. When I could accomplish that, I had no idea.
The second person was somewhere in the same house I was, but somehow felt further out of reach. Arianna was probably hating herself for what happened. It wasn’t her fault, but she lied about so many things. This went beyond harmless personal secrets. She had to have manipulated so many truths to keep this all from me. The betrayal ate at me similar to a spider sucking the life out of its victim. Arianna was my absolute best, most trusted friend. How could she lie about so much so easily?
My thoughts changed towards Luca. I ran every vision of him through my head on repeat. He was the most confusing part about the whole outrageous turn of events. The feelings he ignited in my body, even now, were at war with the sirens blaring in my skull. Why would he want me? There had been fear in his eyes when I had been a second away from taking a bullet to the head. Why would he care?
The only things I knew for sure— Luca is dangerous. A killer. A criminal.
How can I marry a man like that?
Yet, something whispered to me there is more to Luca than what appeared on the surface. He was a scary man no doubt, with his hard expressions demanding respect and fear, along with his dominating presence. And his ability to kill. I had seen it all last night.
It was his eyes that made me question what lay beneath. Every time darkness had dominated his expression, his eyes betrayed him. At least, when he looked at me.
What will it be like being married to him?
Will he be abusive?
Would he ever come to have feelings for me? Do I want him to have feelings for me?
What if we have children? Oh God.
My last thought made me nauseous. I shoved it away. One day at a time. I could not think about that. It felt like a railroad spike was being driven into my head, and all I wanted to do was stay in bed and hide from my thoughts.
* * *
It was evening when the door opened. I remained curled up in the blankets, stubbornly refusing to look up and see who entered. The sound of light footsteps gave Arianna away. Then heavy footfalls entered the room behind her.
“Becka?” Her voice was meek. “We brought your stuff from the hotel. Your clothes and your violin.” Two thuds of luggage hitting the floor followed her words. "And I brought you some food.” The sound of a tray landing on a table nearby echoed in the silence.
“Go away.” My words were cold and heartless. As much as I needed her, I was still angry and felt I had every right to be. I knew she was suffering but I was too. I needed more time before I faced her.
Arianna slipped from the room without pressing for further interaction.
Sleep still didn’t come easily. I laid awake for a long time, unable to settle my mind. It felt like I was drowning in the middle of the ocean with no shore in sight. Finally, after midnight I passed out from exhaustion.
When I woke the next morning, my headache was gone but my heart still hurt. When Arianna left the room the night before, her depression hung in the air like fog long after she’d gone. Even now I could feel it clinging to the walls, refusing to be ignored. I knew what I had to do.
I have to forgive her.
I have never been one to hold grudges, except for one person, but that was in the past now too. No matter how people let me down or stabbed me in the back, I simply dealt with it and moved on. From an early age I learned the hard way that sometimes the person you depend on the most will be your biggest let down. I wasn’t going to waist the energy it took to hold a grudge. Those people weren’t worth it.
“Forgive her.” Thats what my grandma would tell me. She always said, “When you don’t forgive someone and let it go, you are giving them all the power over you. Over your mind and your soul. No one is perfect. If you can’t forgive them, why should you expect the same, should you ever do harm to someone else?”
Forgive her. I always knew I would, but I still had questions. Lots of them. Even if Arianna didn’t like them, I was going to get answers.
