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THIRTY-SIX
THEO
“When is Hadley coming back?” This is probably the sixth time one of the kids has asked this question and every time, I have the same answer.
“I don’t know.”
She’s been gone two weeks and we’ve already received a half dozen postcards from her. The kids love them, and they decorate the fridge of my parents’ house, where we’re all staying temporarily because I still need someone to watch the kids while I work.
But today, we’re driving to Kelso, Washington to spend the weekend with Serena. She said it’s the closest she can get to Oregon without violating her probation. My parents are coming because there are some uncomfortable conversations I need to have with my ex and I need the support.
I wish Hadley was here to calm their nerves—to calmmynerves—but she was right. This is a trip we need to make without her. She’s always been level-headed when it comes to Serena, never wanting to interfere with the relationship between the kids and their mother.
I’m nervous as I approach the house my ex is renting. It’s a little rundown, but I can’t criticize her for where she’s living. It’s not like she has many options. I knock on the door and wait. When Serena opens the door, she looks like a stranger. Her hair is a dull, dirty blonde and her skin is pale.
“Hi,” she greets me. “Thank you for coming.”
“You look, well, you look different,” is all I manage to say as I step inside her home.
I glance around, noticing how the outside definitely doesn’t match the inside. It’s clean and cozy, with bright lights illuminating the small space.
“When you’re in prison, it’s hard to keep up with salon appointments,” she jokes. She points to the blue couch behind me and says, “Please, sit down.”
I don’t quite know where to begin so I quickly gather my thoughts as I settle into my seat. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring the kids with me, but I thought it best we talk first without them.”
“What have you told them about where I’ve been?”
“The truth.” She blinks and seems taken aback, as if she didn’t expect me to be honest with our kids. “But only recently. I’ve protected them as much as possible. Doesn’t mean the entire city of Seaside hasn’t come up with all kinds of theories about where you went. There’s even a rumor I killed you.”
“I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.”
“Are you?” It’s hard to keep the cynicism buried. I’ve been angry for a year with no way of truly venting because only one person could give me the answers I wanted. “We got married, Serena. We had children and a life together, and it was all a lie. Are you sorry for deceiving me? For letting me believe a lie for so long I questioned myself.”
“Yes, I am. I so sorry I allowed this to happen. I didn’t mean to fall in love, get married, have kids, but once I started living my life as Serena, I couldn’t stop.”
“You could have told me the truth.”
“I could have but it never felt right. You didn’t fall in love with Jordan, you fell in love with Serena.”
“I fell in love with a lie.”
She sighs and sits down in an armchair. “I don’t want to fight with you, Theo. I want to work out an arrangement so I can see the kids.”
“We can talk about that, but you have to know my life is much different now. I’ve been offered a promotion and it would require me to relocate.”
“No,” she cries. “You can’t take my children away from me.”
“I haven’t decided whether I’m going to accept it or not. I also met a woman whom I love very much and want to marry.”
She snorts and crosses her arm. “So, you’re going to replace me and take away my kids?”
“No, I’m not trying to do that. Hadley is insistent on not getting in the way of you having a relationship with the kids. She knows you’re their mother and respects that. She didn’t even come on this trip, though I wanted her to be here.”
“Theo, the only thing I wanted while I was in prison was my kids. I don’t want to be far away from them. Please,” she begs. “Give me a chance.”
“I’m willing to do that but I gave up ten years of my life for a lie. I know what I want and who I want, and you need to respect that.”
I don’t stay much longer after that. I only want her to know where I stand, and for her to understand the life she built for herself no longer exists because it was based on lies. We can figure out the rest once I’m confident I can trust her with the kids.
