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ADDISON
“Hey, Will. You okay, hon?” I don’t know why I even asked. Her slumped shoulders and downturned lips tell me she’s not. But I know how easy it is to shut down at her age, and I don’t want her doing that with me.
“No.” She picks at the nail polish on her finger and continues to pout. “I’m bored.”
I can’t blame her. It’s been two days since Matt sat Chase and I down and told us to start planning for the end with Emily. Since then, the house has been full but lifeless. Chase is staying home from work, and without much to focus on other than Emily, he’s getting a little restless.
He keeps coming up with random house projects to work on and has been going on runs twice a day, which is where he is now. Drake has been spending the nights on our couch. Janice is here all day long, cooking, running errands, cleaning, and her and Rudy are staying in the guest room at night.
But with all these bodies, the house is quiet and tense. Everyone is still walking on eggshells. It’s been an uncomfortable environment for me, so I’m sure it’s got to be tough on a ten-year-old.
I take a quick look out the window and see the sun shining. I could use some fresh air, and based on Willow’s somber face, I’d say she could too.
“Let’s go somewhere,” I say, spinning back around to the table. She raises her eyes to mine, and I swear I see a quick flash of excitement spark in them.
“Okay,” she replies quickly, so ready to get out of the house that she doesn’t even bother with asking where we’re going. Not that I have that answer yet anyway.
“Let me go tell your mom we’re heading out for a bit.” I give her a big smile and head up the stairs.
When I reach Emily’s room, I turn the doorknob and quietly peek my head into the room. I don’t want to wake her if she’s sleeping. She opens her eyes slowly and gives me a strained smile.
Cassie is in the big chair in the corner of the room, doing something on the iPad she uses to keep track of Emily’s care. I smile over at her, and she gives me a small wave.
“Hi,” I say quietly to Emily. “Willow is going a little stir-crazy. Is it okay if I take her out for a bit? Not sure where yet, but we won’t be gone long.”
Instead of answering my question, she pats the bed beside her. “Come lie with me for a second,” she says.
Cassie rises. “I’ll go take a quick break.” She winks at me as she leaves the room.
It’s quiet as I tiptoe over to the opposite side of the bed. I lower myself down on my back and mindlessly run my left hand along my stretching stomach.
We lie in silence for a few moments, and when she starts to shift, I turn my gaze to her. She slowly reaches over to the top of her nightstand and grabs an envelope, then sets it on her chest and places one hand over it as she speaks.
“He loves you.” She grabs my right hand with her left. Her grip is weak, but all I can think is how strong she is. She’s so thin, and her skin looks ashen. She’s lost that spark that she’s carried since the day I met her at Blue.
“I love him too,” I whisper.
“I know.” Her smile wobbles as she hands me the envelope. “This is for Willow. Maybe you can give it to her when it’s time. I don’t know when that will be, but I know you will.”
She stares up at the ceiling as I take it from her, and a tear slides down her cheek and into her brittle hair.
“There’s so much guilt when you’re dying.” Her words are slow and broken, but I don’t rush her or interrupt as she gets whatever she has to say off her chest. “I only got ten years with my baby girl. I won’t be here for her first date or her first heartbreak. I’ll never see her graduate or fall in love or get married, and that breaks my heart. But not for me—for her. I know that every sweet and wonderful thing in her life will always be clouded with my absence. While Chase is the best dad I could have ever hoped for Willow to have, she needs a mother.”
She looks at me, her eyes piercing and pleading. “She needs you. They both do.” She chokes on a gentle sob. Tears are pouring down both our cheeks now, but neither one of us makes a move to wipe them away.
“I’ve lost countless hours of sleep,” she continues. “I’ve cried behind closed doors and begged God for more time. I’ve begged him for answers and strength, because I had no idea how I was going to be able to leave them behind. And then He gave me you.” Her smile is shaky with emotion, but it’s so damn genuine and heartfelt. “Go ahead and read it,” she says, letting go of my hand.
I sit up slowly and carefully open the envelope and unfold the notebook paper. The writing is wiggly. I have to wipe my eyes a few times before I can see it clearly.
Dear Willow,
I’ve stared at this empty page for days on end, not knowing what to say. How do I say goodbye to the greatest gift of my life? How do I find the words to tell you how very much you mean to me in just one letter? I guess I’ll start with this very simple truth: I love you. And I mean those words with every fiber of my being.
There’s an old saying that once you become a parent, you spend the rest of your life with your heart walking around outside of your chest, and it’s true. From the moment you were born, you became my whole reason for living. One day I only existed for myself, and then the next, I was holding this beautiful little baby in my arms, and my whole perspective on life had shifted. I realized that every breath I had ever taken had never been as meaningful as the ones I would take from then on. Every accomplishment I’d ever had meant nothing compared to creating the life in front of me. When I first held you in my arms, all my previous hopes and dreams vanished, and you became all I could see.
Sometimes I felt guilty for that. I worried that the fact I didn’t go to college or have a successful career meant I wasn’t a good enough role model for you. I never did anything big in my life, and I often felt like a hypocrite when I told you to dream big. That you could do anything you wanted in life and be anyone you wanted to be. Honestly, I simply never had dreams beyond this town. Gamble Springs was enough for me. My friends and family, and then you, were enough for me.
Addison did go to college, and a really good one at that. She did have a big, exciting career. I’m not saying you have to do either of those things to be something great, but I’m thankful you get to see what she’s accomplished in her life and know that you can do the same.
