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LUKE
Fuck I am so fucked.
I was just about over her. But not really. I could pretend I was like I had been for months.
Fuck!
I mean how the fuck are you supposed to talk to someone you’ve known your whole life. Someone who you’ve seen naked more times than you can count. Someone who you’ve shared a life with until they walked out.
Seeing Kaci for the first time in over a year completely fucked me. Like really seeing her up close and personal. I knew it was her as soon as I walked in. The familiarity of the bar I had been coming to as a kid didn’t feel so familiar anymore. There was an electricity in the air. The same one I would get when she was riding shotgun in my pickup. Or when we would take the field before a game and she was cheering me on.
I noticed the blonde hair tucked under a ball cap right away. The way her body hunched over the bar told me everything. She was uncomfortable being there.
But it was true. She was back for me or else she would never be here. She hated going to the bar. She would rather drink wine in her pajamas at home.
What was she doing here?
Why did she have to come back?
I remember the day I first really met her like it was yesterday. Sure we had gone to school together and church. I would see her at football games on her dad’s shoulders. But that day at The Gates, that day was the day I really met her. Really met the Kaci Sanders everyone talked about.
The beautiful girl with the long blonde hair grazing the sand as she leaned back on her arms. The girl who had a ball cap resting on her head and an oversized tank top on. The girl in a red bikini that I couldn’t stop holding. The most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Kaci Sanders. The woman who stole my heart. But that Kaci, my Kaci, left me. She left.
I was doing fine without her, just fine. If you define fine as getting blackout drunk mostly everyday is fine than yeah I’m fine. Seeing her again just reminded me of how much of an asshole I was to her the day she left.
Fourteen Months Ago
“I don’t know Luke I just feel like we have a lot of growing up to do and we can’t do that together. You’re already beginning to resent me.” Tears caked her face. “And I don’t want to resent you either. I have to find myself outside of you. Outside of us.”
Sure we had been fighting a lot lately and she was always on me about my drinking but wasn’t that just a part of navigating through a relationship? We weren’t kids anymore. Kaci had been hesitant about planning the wedding wanting to put if off for a couple of years, get through her therapy, get through her internship. I could tell she was depressed ever since the accident. But ever since the accident I knew it was time to ask he to be mine forever. Life is short. I wasn’t leaving this town, leaving her, she knew that. So instead she was leaving me.
“No I don’t resent you. I don’t understand what you’re saying. Why can’t we grow together? We’ve been growing together for the past eight years what’s gonna change now?”
“Because trust me we just can’t. We need time to be apart.” More tears streamed down her face. “I have no doubt in my mind that one day we will be married with land and a house and lots of kids, not one doubt. But I can’t right now Luke. I’m broken.”
“Kaci I want all that right now. If you believe that then why are you trying to leave me?” My insides twisted. She had her mind made up I could see it on her face. She was really going to leave me. No, she couldn’t. I wouldn’t make it without her.
“I need you to find yourself apart from me. I need to find myself too. We have to grow up to grow together. Trust me. Please Luke. I love you.”
There were no words. I couldn’t talk over the lump in my throat. No words I said would change her mind. I couldn’t fix it.
Her hand slipped from mine leaving her ring behind. She began to walk for the door, “I’ll see you around Luke.”
No see did not just say that. She doesn’t just get to walk out of here like the past eight years and that ring I gave her meant nothing.
“Kaci if you walk out that door you better not come crawling back here!” I regretted the words as soon as they flew off my tongue.
Present Day
My pickup swerved into the ditch as that night came crashing back to me. That night had played on repeat in my head every day since. The way I felt seeing her walk away, knowing damn well I should have gone after her. Staring at her ring not giving a fuck that I was crying. Just like right now in this moment as I sat in my truck. The front of it was still in the ditch as I let out all of those feelings, again. Kaci had the strongest hold on me and it nearly broke me.
I wouldn’t let her break me again. I couldn’t I wouldn’t survive. She didn’t want me then so why would she want me now.
It didn’t matter how much I drank or how much flirting I did. I didn’t want the other girls but I could pretend I did. Maybe trick myself into thinking it was something I could do. But no, I was not and would never be over Kaci Sanders.
I remember the night at the bar when I even went as far as showing another girl how to hold a pool stick. I held onto her waist and let her hold onto me. Every time she spoke I could only think about how she was nothing like Kaci. How her hair was brown not blonde. Her legs were thinner and her breasts bigger.
She didn’t look the same.
Talk the same.
Feel the same.
I felt like shit for at least a week after that. I didn’t want another girls touch. I wanted her touch, her kiss, her voice. I just wanted her back. But I damn sure wasn’t going to be the one to tell her that. She walked out on me not the other way around. She was going to have to kiss some ass where I was concerned.
Backing out of the ditch I took the long way home. I was sure to drive by the Old Carlson Place Kaci bought. I knew damn good and well she wouldn’t be there but I still wanted to see what else she had done since I drove by here last. Since I saw her through the window I drilled myself every night not to drive by.
