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Chapter 11
Shelby
I froze. Everything I knew I wanted to say was tangled in a web. I needed to get Noah’s attention, to make him stop. In desperation, I called out my safeword. I wasn’t the only one frozen. Noah released me so quickly, I slid off his knee to the carpeted floor.
Panting, I gazed up into his face, seeing my confusion reflected back at me.
I’m sorry. So very, very sorry.
I wanted to say it, to share how I was feeling, but the words wouldn’t come out. And why was I sorry?
Past abuse, dumb ass.
Oh my god, that was what happened. A big fat trigger, a matching big fat tear rolled down my face.
In foster care, there had been one game system to share between eight kids, and Robbie. I didn’t want to think about him or how he hogged everything to himself, took what little we had for himself. One day I went crazy when he hurt one of the younger children who was trying to play. I learned two lessons that day… people lie, which Robbie did, telling our caregiver it was my fault and the other kids were so afraid of him they agreed. The other lesson was no matter what, you have to take care of number one yourself. I was sent back to the orphanage later that day and stayed there until I was eighteen.
But Noah isn’t Robbie, I reasoned.
He took you away from what you love. How is that different?
My internal argument continued to wage war inside of me, while Noah, still perched on the chair, gazed down at me, his look not just confused now, but returning to that icy perfection I’d first encountered at the club.
No, no, no, I couldn’t let that happen. I had to find a way to move past my fear and speak words, and share what happened, which was what I found hardest.
“I was doing my job. Playing new games and finding the flaws, climbing the ranks, and gaining new viewers. I’m sponsored and have an obligation to the company that pays me. That is what I do, Daddy.”
The shock and fear of repercussions were wearing off, and I felt more emboldened to share my truth. “I have conditions of my own, and I guess I should share them with you now.”
Noah’s expression shifted slightly as a gleam of amusement slid into place.
“How about you come up here, Shelby”—he patted his lap—“and allow me to apologize.”
His energy had downshifted so fast, I was unsure of where we were now. But I climbed to my feet and onto his lap.
Noah tipped my chin and held my gaze. “I am very sorry, Shelby. I was in the wrong and ask for you to forgive me.”
He was the first man to ask for my forgiveness. I was quickly seeing the differences between people who lived the lifestyle and those who dabbled. Daddy Baldor was as real as they got.
“I don’t have such violent games downloaded on the system, and the game played over the speaker system throughout the penthouse. When I opened the door of my office to come and find you, I thought we were under fire.”
My jaw dropped. “I—I—I’m so sorry! I didn’t know I did that. With my headset on, I thought only I could hear the game. I’m sorry, Daddy, I had no idea. I’m also sorry that I called my safeword, but I didn’t know what else to do to make you stop.”
Noah leaned down and planted a gentle kiss on my lips, sparking off an entirely different heat. He pulled back, and his direct, no-nonsense gaze, which held enough Daddy to make me squirm, found mine.
“You still haven’t told me if you forgive me.”
“Of course, I forgive it, I mean you. Crap! What I’m trying to say is, yes, I forgive you, but do you forgive me? I need to know you’re not mad at me.”
“I don’t get mad, Shelby, I worry, and I was so worried that the fact you do this for a living flew right out of my mind, and instead of looking at you as the professional you are, I looked at what you were doing from a worried Daddy standpoint. Now, let’s discuss that game and your hard limits.”
I hated having to be forthcoming in the face of his directness. The people in my childhood had taught me to shut up and listen and then do my thing, out of sight; therefore, out of mind. At least that was my take on the dysfunctional communication I’d lived within the system.
“It was easy enough to get your codes. I used them to download the game from my account.” I gulped, waiting for the angry fallout from my words, but Noah only offered a small but genuine smile for me to continue.
“Okay, so my job is gaming. I won’t compromise on my work in the matter of selection. I know I have bad habits and can get lost in my work for unhealthy amounts of time, so that is negotiable. I, uh, have never been held accountable to being healthy, Daddy, so please don’t expect me to know what you want me to do in that arena, and because of that, I’m open to you leading me.”
Noah leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “What else, sweet girl? I have a list we will go over but this conversation is meant to help us avoid misunderstandings in the future regarding your work and the role I play.”
