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I thought he’d grab me and kiss me, that he’d have dragged me behind his building to feel me up and kiss me more in secret, that his hands would run over my body and we would be close how we haven’t been in a year. I think about that day all the time. The last time we were together in Dartmouth. His breath on my neck, his hipbones pressing into me so hard I bruised a bit the morning after, us against the tree where we should have been this month again. I’d forgive him for not being there then if he’d just fucking say anything now — anything at all. But he’s not. He’s just staring at me.
“Why are you telling me?” he asks eventually, not taking his eyes off of me.
I swat all the turtle doves away, chase out the deer, and slam the windows of my heart shut because he’s not saying it back.
“Um—” My eyes kind of go strange, bleary. I can’t see properly. I don’t know if my eyes have gone teary or I’m dizzy — am I feeling faint? — maybe something blew into my eyes. I give him a weak shrug.
“Henry said you didn’t know…?”
“I — I didn’t kn—” BJ shakes his head once. “I wasn’t sure.”
I nod once, wondering how different everything might be if he had known.
I frown, biting down on my bottom lip. “How could you not know?”
“I don’t know?” He shrugs. “You broke up with me… You dated my best friend. You dated Tom…. You dated everyone—” He considers all of this. “You moved to another city in the middle of the night. You were gone for a year.”
“So?”
“So you don’t do that shit when you love someone,” he tells me sharply.
My bottom lip shakes. “You cheated on me when you loved me.”
“Yeah, but that was different.”
“Why? How?” I frown.
“Because I’m fucked up,” he yells at me, a bit exasperated.
“Well, so am I!” I stare at him and then say under my breath, “Thanks to you.”
He scoffs, annoyed now. I can see it all over his face. “Yeah, back at you.”
“Okay, well… great.” I nod, give him a tight smile. “Is that it, then?”
He breathes out, offers me nothing but a shrug. “What do you want me to say?”
I let out a small laugh but it’s tangled with a cry.
I swipe my hands at my face; I don’t want him to see tears.
I shake my head at him. “Nothing.”
