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CHAPTER20
Eleanor sighed deeply.
I’d rather hoped it would never come to this.
“Come on, Eleanor,” Henry prompted. “I’m starting to take this personally. I feel like maybe it’s not that you’re unwilling to have children, it’s more like you just don’t want to have them with me.”
“Don’t be absurd,” Eleanor replied, swatting at Henry playfully. He grinned at her roguishly.
“I know it seems like I’m kidding, but I’m not. I’ve never had a woman make me work so hard for anything in my whole life. There must be a reason you close yourself off from me. Is it because you find me repulsive?” Henry made a silly face then, sticking out his tongue and rolling his eyes upward.
“Henry,” Eleanor groaned. “You know how attractive you are. Should I feel inclined to bear children, I would certainly be tempted to have them with you.”
Henry sat up straighter and made a show of adjusting his tie. “That’s a relief,” he said, and then wiped his hand over his brow. He eyed her suspiciously then, and Eleanor knew he wasn’t going to just let the subject drop. “If it’s not me, then what’s the matter?”
Eleanor’s stomach rolled over and then flip-flopped precariously.
It’s time. I must tell him. It’s not fair to keep it from him.
She bunched the handkerchief in her palm and lowered her eyes. When she spoke, she did it quietly, but clearly. “Did you know that I once had an older sister?”
“No,” Henry replied, shaking his head.
Eleanor glanced down at Sir Whiskers. The cat was snuggled very deeply into her hip. She had worn a light floral-patterned dress today and so Sir Whiskers, with his jet-black coat, stuck out prominently. She ran her fingers through his soft fur. “I did. Her name was Caroline,” Eleanor said carefully.
“Why have I never met Caroline?” Henry asked. “Shouldn’t she have been at our wedding?”
Eleanor shook her head. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes. She knew she was still clutching Henry’s handkerchief, but she didn’t bother to use it. She let the tears fall. “Caroline could not come to our wedding. She died several years ago…during childbirth.”
Eleanor could tell her words had an impact on Henry at once as he sucked in a deep breath and slowed the wagon’s progression.
“I’m so sorry, Eleanor. I didn’t realize. I never would have pushed the issue if I’d known,” Henry stammered an apology, but Eleanor waved it away.
“You didn’t know. How could you? We never talk about Caroline. My family, that is… we never talk about what happened to her.”
Henry touched Eleanor on the wrist. “Do you want to talk about her now? Do you want to tell me what happened?”
Eleanor nodded. “I think you need to know because it will explain a great deal about who I am and why I am the way I am.”
“Okay,” Henry replied slowly.
Eleanor took a shuddering breath and allowed the air to fill her lungs. Every time she thought of Caroline, her heart ached. “Caroline was quite a bit older than the rest of us. Mother had her very young.” Eleanor paused as she tried to remember exactly how many years separated Caroline from herself and Frederick. She shook her head. “I can’t recall Caroline’s age, but she was at least ten years older than me. I was only twelve years old when she passed.”
Henry nodded, but he didn’t say anything. Eleanor was grateful that he wasn’t pushing or prompting, as she wanted to be able to tell this story her way.
“Caroline was stunning. She looked more like Frederick and my mother, with auburn hair and green eyes. She was very much admired.” Eleanor paused. “She had several proposals in her first season, and she decided to marry the Duke of Frierlands.”
“Everyone said they were a splendid match, but I can’t recall much about him. I was too young to notice anything other than my sister, and she was very happy. She said he made her feel special, as though she were the only woman in the whole wide world.”
“They were married and then a few months later, my sister announced her pregnancy. I still remember the day Caroline came to visit and she ate an entire loaf of bread during teatime. I thought it was so peculiar because Caroline had always been such a dainty eater.” Eleanor paused and looked at Henry. He was staring right back at her, his eyes wide. “It’s funny what the memory chooses to remember, isn’t it? I can’t remember how Caroline looked on her wedding day or a single detail about the man who was her husband, but I recall quite vividly that loaf of bread and the raspberry preserves she spread on each slice.”
Eleanor shook her head as if to banish the memory. “Caroline progressed through the pregnancy very well, staying active right up until the day the contractions started. Mother and I were visiting that day, in preparation for the arrival of the baby, and I recall how Caroline clutched her stomach and bent forward. She gasped and the other women, my mother, the duke’s mother, and grandmother, and a couple of the servants, hustled Caroline from the room at once. I was too young to be admitted to Caroline’s chambers, even when the midwife appeared, but I was permitted to sit outside the door.”
“I heard every horrible groan. Caroline screamed in agony, and I felt so helpless and small, sitting out in the hall, waiting for my sister to give birth. The labor and delivery seemed interminable, but when one of the servants finally exited the room, she almost ran right into me. I remember how she trod upon my dress and then burst into tears.”
“I panicked then and stood. I raced into the room, only to be ushered out once more by the duke’s grandmother. ‘This is no place for a child,’ she said, and it was in that moment that I knew… my sister…”
Eleanor couldn’t finish the thought. Henry had stopped the wagon long ago, and now he leaned over and wrapped his arm around Eleanor’s shoulder. “Shhh…” he said softly. “Eleanor, I’m so sorry.”
