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Chapter 58
Silas sat in his study. The blinds remained drawn. He no longer cared whether it was night or day. The fire crackled in the grate. Meanwhile, he drowned his sorrows in drink.
He wondered when Dinah would go and see Lucy.
Silas knew, of course, that she might refuse to see him. Lucy was so stubborn. It was one of the things that he loved about her. But it might also be his downfall.
It had been several days since his return to London. He had dispensed with everything that had needed to be done, due to his absence. However, his despair over Lucy plagued him, and he had begun to drink while he waited for word of her.
Silas didn’t want to annoy Dinah with requests to go and speak to Lucy. He knew that his sister would go. She had promised. He just wished that she would have gone immediately.
The door opened, and Dinah burst inside. He blinked at her. Light from the hallway windows gleamed in, and she wrinkled her nose in distaste.
“It smells like a distillery in here,” she announced. “Really, Silas! You can’t do this.”
“I distinctly recall that it’s polite to knock before entering,” he muttered morosely. “If I want to drown my sorrows in drink, then that’s my prerogative, Dinah dearest.”
“I just came from visiting Lucy,” she said. It was the only thing she could have said to get him to perk up.
“How is she?” he asked, sitting up. He even pushed his glass away.
“Not happy. But she’s not wasting away,” Dinah replied pointedly, perching on the other armchair.
“She’s much better and stronger than I am.” He meant it with all his heart. She was an absolute angel and he had wronged her most severely. He didn’t know if he could live with himself.
“She is, actually.” Dinah glanced at the glass in his hand. “She’s certainly not drinking away her sorrows,” she said archly. She sat down in the other armchair, crossing her legs at the ankles. She studied him for a very long moment. “You must listen to me, Silas,” she ordered very sternly. “For you are very much in danger of losing the love of your life forever.”
“I thought I already lost her.”
She shook her head, causing the ringlets that framed her cheeks to dance. “I don’t believe so.”
“Then what must I do?” Silas would do anything to prove to Lucy that he was sorry. For the first time, he felt true hope. She had agreed to allow him to explain.
“Lucy has been hurt in the past,” Dinah explained. “She was courted by a man who used her in a most vile manner. I can’t go into it. It’s not my story to tell.”
“How… how awful.” He hadn’t known that it was possible for him to feel any worse. “I feel like the scum of the Earth. It’s like the past is repeating for her.”
“Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself?” Dinah snapped.
“I feel sorry for Lucy.”
“You’re pouting, Silas.” Dinah speared him with a look. Silas didn’t think he had ever heard his sister speak in such a harsh manner. He suddenly knew how she would be as a mother. She was stern, yet with a very long fuse. “You must try extra hard to make things up to her. I have gotten her to agree to at least listen to your explanation. I believe that if you put real effort into proving your love for her, it will pay off.”
She punctuated this with a hopeful smile, and Silas nodded, suddenly feeling like this was possible. It was like a small ray of light was opening into the dark mood that he’d been in. From the sound of it, Dinah was telling him that there was a chance for him to be with Lucy, that all was not yet lost.
“You’re going to have to sober up,” Dinah ordered, her tone brisk. “And take a bath.”
Silas nodded, standing up. “I’ll—I’ll go for a walk,” he said. “Figure out what I’m going to do.”
“Good. By the time you return, I’ll have had Mr Morton draw you a bath and send up your supper to your room.”
“Dinah,” he said, reaching out to take his sister’s hand. “Dear Dinah, what would I ever do without you?” he wondered.
“You’d be sulking in the dark,” she said, smiling at him. She patted him on the cheek. “Soaking in brandy.”
“I won’t let you down,” he promised. “I’m going to do a lot better. Starting today.”
“Good.” She left the room, walking quickly.
Silas put on his jacket and top hat, then went out for a walk. It was a cold day, with an overcast sky above. All around him, there was a seething mass of humanity. People scurried to and from, and carriages thundered by out on the road. He paid little attention to any of it.
A light rain began to fall, creating a soft haze to the atmosphere. Overhead, the clouds gathered thickly, blocking out the sun that had been shining earlier. It did nothing to dampen his mood.
As Silas walked, he thought about what he could do to prove to Lucy that he loved her. He had, truly, never loved another woman before. He had been with many, but he had never loved them. He had only loved Lucy. He would do anything to have her back.
I will spend my life proving to her that I love and cherish her.
As he walked, his mind wandered, coming up with gestures that ran from small to grandiose, none of them seeming right. His walk led him to the steps of the lending library, where he had taken her that one day which now seemed so long ago. An idea came to mind, a slow, but genuine smile coming to his face for the first time in over a week.
