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24
Neb-en-khata
I am finally regainingmy motor skills. The taser’s effects can last for hours, in some cases days. I’ve been tied to a bed in the station’s infirmary and have not seen anyone since. Lost in my thoughts, it is difficult to say how long I have been lying here. I feel nothing but anguish as I rot in this bed. The straps will not budge no matter how I test them. They have me dressed in a hospital gown, like I’m some kind of patient. I’ve heard stories of re-education, but I’ve never met anyone who has gone through it. There’s a simple reason for that—it usually ends in either reassignment to a lower post or euthanizing.
At the moment, I am almost incapable of thinking about that, though. My thoughts are with Zanika, only Zanika. How could I have been so stupid to think that I would not be monitored? The way the general talked to me, having me call him Rah, making me think that we were friends, lulled me into a false sense of security. I thought that maybe he actually did have so much trust in me that I was going to be granted independence for the duration of the mission. Looking back, I was naive. It’s common knowledge that first-years are often tested. Although this was not a mission of massive importance in the grand scheme of things, I should have known that they would want to make sure that the new guy is doing his job. I just never expected that I would do the things I did. I got so caught up in the moment that I was barely able to consider surveillance a possibility. I sent my daily reports on time every evening, so I had assumed all was well.What a fucking idiot.
Now, Zanika is left all alone down there. She will have no one to protect her, and I suspect that Chem-tat-ef might be actively aggressive towards her. I hope he doesn’t harm her. If he does, I will find a way back down there and slit his fucking throat myself. I feel my blood boiling even thinking about him touching Zanika, beautiful, kind-hearted Zanika. He doesn’t care about the humans. He thinks they are savages without consciousness; he doesn’t care if they live or die as long as the mission is completed.
The thought that he might actually kill her for what she has done with me is a thought that I have to block out at all costs. If I believe she is dead, then I will have nothing further to live for. I could not take the pain and guilt that comes from knowing that I would be at fault for her death. It would be simply too much to handle. If I didn’t lose my mind entirely, I would find a way to end it all as soon as possible.
* * *
The doorto my room slides open with a woosh. I see the general walk in, looking exactly as he did two weeks ago but with a much more severe countenance.
“Oh, Neb, you’ve really got yourself in a pickle, haven’t you.” His tone is almost fatherly, but there is a touch of disappointment and reproach in his voice. He turns to the two soldiers who escorted him inside and tells them to leave us.
“I feel that I have to takesomeresponsibility for this. I should have known that I was giving you too much authority. Your record was so stellar that I thought you would be ready. You had never had so much as an indiscretion in your entire life.”
“General, please, you don’t understand—”
“Silence!” he bellows, eyes wide with fury. “You will speak when you are spoken to, or I will have your lips sealed. Do you understand?”
I look at him in astonishment but realize that the relationship between us has changed forever, if it was ever real to begin with. “Yes, sir,” I say resignedly, realizing that fighting right now will only make things worse.
“Good. Now, I am well aware that missions like these can test people. Spending time among the savages is not an easy task. However, the speed with which you were corrupted is astounding. I could hardly believe my ears when you started shaming yourself within a week of the beginning of your posting. We didn’t pull you out straight away because we did not want to alarm the natives. I personally did not want to hear any more of the recordings after hearing the very first one, but I was assured that they got worse and worse. Do you realize that this is the first documented case of bestiality ever recorded on Yoria in eighty-five years? Granted, our surveillance has not always been as advanced, but you are still the first. Are you not ashamed of yourself?”
At first, I take the general’s question as rhetorical but then realize that he actually wants and answer. I know that there is no combination of words in the Dhaarrir tongue that would make him put me back on Yoria, so what is even the point of answering? I stay silent.
“You know, you could help yourself quite a bit by explaining yourself. Maybe there are some reasons for what you did? I personally can’t imagine what reason there would ever be for shaming oneself in such a manner. Letting your base urges take control of you like that is absolutely disgraceful. Have you not gone through the same education as all of us? And to do it with a fucking savage as well. What the hell is wrong with you?”
I stay silent, but the flames of rage burn in my chest. Every time he calls Zanika a savage, I want to rip his throat out, but I am restrained, and if I did, that would be the end of everything. Murder results in immediate euthanizing. There is no room in Dhaarrir society for any kind of deviation from the norm.
“You could make this much easier by cooperating. I personally don’t understand what you have done, and never will, but admitting to your mistake and claiming some kind of temporary mental illness could go a long way in helping you. If you are unwilling to accept that you have committed a heinous crime for which you should be severely remorseful, then… I don’t know if I can help you.”
I think about his words for a moment. The gravity of my situation is setting in with the weight of an anvil. Suddenly, Yoria feels very far away, almost like a distant dream. They have me dead to rights, and I have two directions I can go in. I can either hang on to the excruciatingly hopeless desire to get back to Zanika and probably get euthanized, or I can try to get back to my former self. I can try to remember what it was like before all of this happened. I don’t know if that’s even possible, but do I really want to throw my whole life away for what I did down there?
I look at the general with tears in my eyes and say, “I don’t know what happened. She, Zanika, just made me feel so loved. It was like, for the first time in my life, I had met someone who actually understood me. I just couldn’t control my urges once they had awoken. I don’t know what I can do now, general. I don’t know if I can go back to who I once was.”
The general’s lips turn up into a small, victorious smile. He sits down on a chair by my bed and puts his hand on mine. In a soft tone, devoid of the former reproach, he says, “You made a horrible mistake, son. I can see that Yoria has gotten to you. You are no longer the upbeat, outstanding young man that walked through those doors a few weeks ago. I’ve been down there myself; I know what the humans are like. I know you have seen and done terrible things, but it is never too late to fix yourself. You can become the person you were again; you just need to admit your mistake and strive to heal. Can you do that, Neb?”
I start to wonder if I actually have been in some kind of psychosis. The stuff that I did down there—it’s not me. Neb-en-khata would never do those things. Maybe the general is right, and the pressure and strangeness of the situation got to me. Maybe I snapped and fell into some kind of psychosis. No sane person would do the things that I did.
“I just feel so confused, general,” I say, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“It’s okay, it’s okay. We will get you the help that you need, don’t worry. I’ve arranged for you to be transported back to Dhaarria on the next flight out in a few days. During that time, you will see our local psychiatrist and we will get to the bottom of this. Sound good?”
“Yes, general, thank you,” I say, feeling very relieved that we are no longer talking about euthanizing me. I don’t want to die yet; I want to live. I feel I have so much more to give the world.
I start to calm down as the general takes his hand off mine. “If I undo these straps, are you going to do anything stupid?” he asks me.
“No, no of course not, general,” I answer truthfully. The rage I felt before has dissipated, and now the only thing on my mind is getting better. I need to block out all the reprehensible thoughts, feelings, and acts of the past two weeks and get back to who I was. There is no future for Anubis, but there is a future for Neb-en-khata.
