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It doesn’t matter how many times I say her name, however many times I fight not to hear, I know she’ll keep talking. Now she’s peeling the lid off this can of worms, she won’t stop until it’s emptied.
“It’s a different type of cold is what it is, Beck.”
Her eyes water again. This time, I know it’s with memory.
“I never want to feel that sort of cold again, and I almost did.” She looks incredulously at me, giving me a watery smile that means nothing in this moment. “Had you not come into the room, I could’ve been back seven years. Not quite, but almost.”
“So, he didn’t…”
“No, he didn’t,” she affirms. “You saved the day this time.”
My heart doesn’t feel any lighter knowing that.
“And last time…”
“Didn’t get that lucky.” She looks like she’s come to terms with that fact, and it steals my breath away. “And you know, it’s funny, when I said he wasn’t half as attentive as you, I meant that in every manner of the word.”
I cast my eyes downward in shame but tell myself I don’t get to check out on this. Usually as reactive as Natalia, I know I can’t take my usual approach. We both deserve that much.
“I’m sure he’d tell you another story.” There’s a sad reality in that and we both resonate with it. “I remember this one moment, he pushed my hair out of my face, and he told me how you ordered this.”
My heart plummets into the gaping pit in my stomach like it’s loaded with lead. I struggle to breathe for a moment, stumbling slightly but force myself to look at her.
“He’d just finished raping me the first time, and he had me trapped when he told me. I can still feel the way his breath felt on my skin, an-and how his breath smelt as he told me he was there to protect you and do what was right.”
Everything she’s just told me suddenly fizzles away, everything becoming hazy. All clarity starts to blur, and I struggle to comprehend any of this.
“How do I know this is the truth, Natalia?”
My denial is a fool, and I see the way it forces cracks into her facade. The crestfallen look in her expression is something I’ll never forget in this lifetime.
“Of course, no one ever believes the women who cry rape, do they?” There’s an indignation that sours her tone. “Do you want to know why he did it?” she asks, taking a purposeful step forward. “He did it because he knew I couldn’t get pregnant, and I’d have no proof. Know why that was, Beckett?
That fact settles in my stomach like a ten-ton weight.
“Because you were already pregnant.”
“Bingo!” she almost cheers. “Withyourbaby.”
The anger that unleashes throughout her is so hot I have to take a step back for fear I’ll get burned. I know there’s no outcome from this where either of us are unscathed. There’s just no fucking way.
“Had to make a whore out of me because I was up the duff and out of wedlock, so I was asking for it. Wasn’t very in keeping with my family’s legacy now, was it?” The hostility in her words shows she still can’t quite understand the logic. “Amazing how the happiest time of my life became the worst.”
“God, Natalia, I…”
“But that wasn’t just it!” She cuts me off harshly. “He wasn’t done with me then. Oh, no, he wasn’t quite done because the great Alistair Knight doesn’t do anything by halves, does he? Round one wasn’t enough for him, but it was for me.”
I flare my nostrils against the onslaught of new information.
“I found my second wind. Found a new fight that just angered him even more.” Natalia meets my gaze even harder than ever. “You want to guess what he did with my knickers when he tore them from me?” she asks, her voice almost small. “He kept them in his hand until he needed them. If you ever wondered, they really silence screams, but apparently, your dad likes it when they scream. Makes him a lot harder. So, I guess I was in luck I didn’t have to endure that for too long.”
The idea of that torture twists something inside me. I’ll never lose this feeling of knowing what he did to her, and if it’s true, I’ll never forgive myself.
“But guess what made it worse?”
I gulp. “What?”
“Lying there while being too weak to believe anything else except the fact the love of my life wanted it that way.”
A tear drops down her cheek.
I guess I finally got her to break.
