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“I can just imagine.” She drew abstract designs with a fingertip on the tablecloth. “Does the sea still call to you?”
“It does, and I suppose it always will, but despite its lure, there are other avenues of interest I wish to explore.”
“Oh? Do you have plans for a new career?”
“Little fragments of some, dancing about in the back of my mind.” He grinned and she nearly melted into a heated puddle beneath the table. “They haven’t coalesced beyond ideas, but I’m not overly worried. Eventually, I’ll find a new purpose.” Then he rested his gaze fully on her, and she shivered. “What of you, Felicity? Do you have dreams for your life beyond suffering my mother’s ill-humor?”
She chuckled. “Your mother is really very sweet. I think when she’s coming the crab it’s naught but a bit of fiction she plays at. Perhaps it’s how she amuses herself when she’s bored.” As she ran her fingertip along the edge of her cup, she continued. “I suppose I want what every woman does: a husband and a family. Definitely security. It’s all too difficult to find when one goes through the world alone.” As much as she didn’t wish them to, tears sprang to her eyes. “As of yet, none of those dreams are within sight.”
“That’s the second time you’ve nearly broken down into tears in my company.” He eased a hand over the tabletop and touched a finger to the back of her hand. “Why is that? What is so horrid in your future that it brings you such grief before you’ve ever lived it?”
Oh, this man and his compassion would spell disaster for her if she wasn’t careful. “How can I admit something so personal?”
“I’m a good listener.” Gently, he encouraged her hand over and then he drew his fingertips lightly along the inside of her wrist leaving gooseflesh behind.
She raised her gaze to his, tumbled into those blue pools, and finally nodded. “Both my grandmother and my mother had terrible difficulties conceiving children. I fear my fate is the same as theirs in that regard.” This was a highly sensitive topic and one that should never be discussed in mixed company, let alone spoken at a tea table in a public house. Her cheeks heated from perhaps shame or embarrassment; it was hard to tell.
“That is a bit of bad luck and I’m heartily sorry you’ve carried that worry around with you the whole of your life.” Understanding shadowed his eyes. “However, a woman’s ability to bear children doesn’t measure her worth even if society tells us otherwise.”
“I realize that, but when the longing to be a mother is sometimes so strong, I’ve been unable to overcome it? Then it seems as if I’ve already failed.”
“You haven’t.”
“I wonder.” A shuddering sigh escaped her throat. “Eventually, I’ll make peace with that, but not just now. Not when I still have a tiny kernel of hope.” The heat in her cheeks intensified. “I won’t know for certain unless I wed.” And allow a man to bed her. When her thoughts jogged to the captain, seeing him without a stitch of clothing on as he pressed his body against hers, she shook her head. “Yet, here I am.”
A faint grin flirted with his lips. “Is marriage something you wish for?”
That struck her as funny. An unladylike snort of laughter proceeded her response. “Does it matter? I’m nine and twenty, Captain, and thus far, no one has ever asked me.”
“What?” He pulled his hand away. Immediately she missed his warmth. Incredulity lined his features. “I find that impossible to believe. Are all the men in London nodcocks?”
His levity cajoled her into a grin of her own. “You might not be far from the mark, but please don’t think to flatter me. I possess a mirror and have seen my reflection. I also don’t have a fortune to make my looks go down easier.” Put in such bald terms, was it any wonder she was a companion to an elderly woman?
“Ah, but you’re doing yourself a great disservice, for you are quite attractive. Perhaps the right man just hasn’t come ‘round yet.” He raised his teacup to his lips and sipped while she watched, captivated, as the corded muscles in his neck worked with a swallow. “As for the fortune bit, I wouldn’t worry over it. Some men don’t put much stock in that.”
“But some do, and I fear those are the vast majority.” She shook her head, not wishing to fall victim to his soothing tones. “Regardless, I have my father’s business to muddle through. It’s not marriage, but it’s something.”
“Yet it won’t keep you warm at night nor hold you when you’re in distress,” he added in a barely audible voice.
“That’s the risk of being on the shelf and unwanted for so long.” She could hardly speak for the tears crowding her throat. In an effort to turn the tables, Felicity cleared her throat. “What of you, Bartholomew? Will you marry now you’re home from the sea?”
A certain hardness fell over his features as he set his cup into its saucer with more force than necessary. “I have no plans to leg-shackle myself.” Bitterness clung to his voice.
“Oh? That surprises me, for you’re quite handsome and no doubt good husband material.” She ignored the heat in her cheeks. “Er, so I assume if one listens to your mother.”
“I appreciate that.” He held her gaze for long moments. “Nearly five years ago when I was last in London, I fell in love with a lady who I thought returned my regard. I asked her to marry me. She accepted, and we were to wed shortly after due to my return to the sea.”
“What happened?” Felicity was enthralled with his story. “I’m sorry, but I’m flabbergasted that someone would change her mind about marrying you.”
When he grinned, it was genuine and wrinkled the delicate skin at the corners of his eyes. “That is high praise indeed.”
“It’s the truth.” She pleated the linen napkin resting in her lap. I certainly would consider myself the most fortunate of women if that were me.
“She wasn’t of the same mindset. One night I invited her onboard my ship so that we might enjoy a bit of privacy away from the constraints of our families.” A muscle in his cheek ticced. No doubt he clenched his jaw. “But instead of the romantic evening I’d planned, she told me she wanted to break our engagement, that she’d decided she’d rather marry a title without love than a sea captain who might never return. And it would allow her the life of position she’d always wanted.” His voice had become graveled with emotion by the time he finished. Obviously, that long ago woman had hurt him terribly.
“Oh, Bartholomew.” On impulse, Felicity put her hand upon the tabletop and reached out for his. He clung to her fingers while she reveled in the strength of his hold. “I’m so sorry. Her treatment was beyond the pale.”
“I thought that as well. So much so that I left London immediately instead of waiting another three months like originally planned. For a long time, London held bitter memories.” Shadows haunted his eyes. “It still rankles if I let myself think upon it.”
