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I knew there was no fixing that level of betrayal.
* * *
Saffron
I could hearthe rustle of plastic as someone shoved something underneath my door.
I was back in my childhood bedroom, and there was enough clearance under the door to get small bags through. Little tiny packets of gummy bears. Fucking Tabatha.
“I don't want to talk."
She said nothing. Just slid another sack of gummy bears underneath my door.
I'd been crying for well over two hours. I was raw and exhausted and wrung out. No one had any faith in me. It didn’t matter what I did or what I accomplished, the people in my life that I loved the most didn’t think I was capable. I hated this. What the hell was I supposed to do with this feeling? I felt rubbed raw as if someone had taken sand paper to the inside of my eyeballs.
I grabbed one of the bags that had been shoved under, snapped it open, and popped several gummies into my mouth.
Another bag slid under the door, which I took gratefully. Because even though I knew the truth, my body and my brain just kept rejecting it.
He'd said I mattered to him. But that wasn’t love. He didn't believe in me. After everything, even knowing how much Gabe had hurt me. Did he really think I could forget that?
God, how stupid was I?
I chewed thoughtfully.
Tabs still hadn't said anything. But she knew when I got in these moods to let me vent.
Another bag appeared, and this time, there were some tissues. I snatched them up, swiping away the tears streaking down my face. "What am I supposed to do? I fucking loved him. And Gabe knew the whole time. What am I supposed to say? I did what he couldn’t.”
There were no tissues or gummy bears then. Maybe she was out. “I mean, how much does my own brother hate me? Our whole lives, all I’ve ever wanted was for Gabe to love me, and I thought he did, but now it seems like he hates me."
The voice on the other side of the door whispered. “I don't hate you."
I scrambled back, scowling, and then I reached for the door and yanked it open. Gabe tumbled into my room.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Look, I’m sorry. I knew you were upset and Tabs came to me and dropped the gummy bears on my desk and told me that I needed to fix it because it was my fault. I'm sorry you think I don't love you. All I’m trying to do is protect you. I'd give my whole life to fucking protect you."
“Fuck you, Gabe. Every conversation we have deteriorates, you know?"
“I try and talk to you, and you tell me to go fuck myself."
"That's because you need to be told to go and fuck yourself. I did something great Gabe. I caught the asshole who killed our parents.“
“I'm sorry. I know that you're hurting, but Lock wasn't right for you anyway."
I shuffled my feet, gummy bear wrappers rustling around them. “For fuck's sake, Gabe, am I supposed to be alone for the rest of my life? You don't even let me experience anything, let alone love. I'm alone, Gabe. You won't talk to me. The brother that loved me is gone. My parents are gone. They left me, and then you left me. And now, I finally think that I love someone, and he has left me with no choice but to walk away. So don't you stand there and tell me you love me or you're protecting me. You're protecting your throne."
"No, I’m not. For fuck's sake, I’m not. Look, there are power plays happening in Rogues Division. Always. Jockeying for position. I’ve known about you and Lock for a while."
My stomach flipped, and bile threatened to jerk its way up my esophagus. "What?"
“I knew, okay? You're not that slick. Besides, even when you leave campus, I have someone watching you."
“Do you not see the problem with that?"
"Of course, I see the problem. I would rather not know about anything you do naked, okay? Because it's gross."
