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THIRTY-TWO
Matthew
It was something about the way she was holding me—so reverently, so caring, and understanding that just shattered every defense I had in my heart. I loved her. And it was because I loved her that I couldn’t give up on her—had to prove to her that I would fight for us, for this, and that we were worth it. That she was worth every risk I had ever made, every risk I would ever make.
And this—sharing my grief with her? This felt like fighting through hell. It wouldn’t fix me, but maybe it would be the beginning of the road to feeling normal again.
I wanted to share it all with her.
I kissed Noelle’s forehead as we continued to just lay there, intertwined in each other, her head laying against my chest. I swore our hearts were synced, at this moment where we were so open and exposed to each other.
She held me all through the night.
~ ~ ~
“Tessa?”
“Matthew?” When my sister picked up the phone, her voice sounded full of shock from receiving a call from me today. “Are you okay?”
“I know we haven’t talked about them enough.” I frowned into the phone even though she couldn’t see me. “And I’m sorry for that. It’s my fault. I couldn’t figure out how to live with the grief, so I just pushed it down. But I think…” I looked over at Noelle, all snuggled into my sheets, still sleeping soundly even as I talked to my sister. “I think I’m ready now. To talk about it. About them.”
Tess sounded choked up when she finally responded, “Oh, Matt…”
“I’m sorry if I failed you as a brother. I’m sorry if you needed to talk about them and I was… Too focused on me to see how you were feeling. But I never wanted you to feel like you couldn’t talk to me, or you didn’t have me.”
“I didn’t,” she said a bit wobbly. “I didn’t think of you like that. How could I? You were my beloved big brother, and even though I missed them like hell—I always had you. You gave up so much for me, and I just—” Tess sniffled. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you like I should have been.”
“Ten years,” I said with a sigh. “How has it been ten years and it still feels like yesterday?”
“I think they’d be proud of us if they could see us now.”
“Yeah?”
I pictured her nodding on the other side. “Yeah. You, falling in love, finding your person and your purpose. Me, graduating from college, chasing my dreams.”
“Listen, about your dreams—”
“I don’t know exactly what’s next,” she said, “but I think that being close to you is what I’m supposed to do. And I… I started looking for jobs in Portland while I was there for Spring Break. It’s not the best job in the world, but I found one leading a children’s theater department, and maybe I’ll get a part-time job too on the side.”
“Tess,” I blinked away a few tears of surprise. “Are you sure?”
“More sure than I’ve ever been about anything.”
“What about your boyfriend?”
“Oh.” She laughed. “We broke up.” Before I could say anything, she added, “You’re coming for my graduation, right?”
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
“Bring Noelle along too?”
I looked at the sleeping red lump in my bed. “Yeah,” I smiled. “I think she’d like that.” I smiled.
“Good. Okay, I gotta run. I love you, bro.”
“Love you too, sis. Have a great last few weeks.”
“I will. Bye!”
