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“I know it’s a lot. I’ll pay you back for the service, too.” She was looking out the window now, so calm. “As soon as I figure out where Gram had her accounts.”
I nodded, not saying anything. So that was where the good mood came from. She’d always believed Gram had hidden money. If Gramhadhad money, she would’ve helped us more, or at least helped me. My mother, on the other hand, would never give me a dime, even if she did find some of this mysterious money.
“Although you won’t need it once you start working.”
“I don’t have the job yet.” The accounting firm that I missed the interview with had been more than accommodating, telling me to take a week off after I told them I’d had an accident and then a death in the family.
“I’m sure you’ll get it.”
Of course she did. Then that would be her rationale for keeping any money she found.
“Did Gram ever tell you any other secrets? Anything about having a job before she married Grandpa?” I kept my eyes on the road, trying to pretend the question had no weight.
“Gram never worked. Where did you get that from?” she asked, tilting her cup enough so she could drain the last few sips.
If I did ask, she probably wouldn’t remember most of this conversation tomorrow anyway. There was really nothing to lose.
“You know how Gram used to talk about all sorts of crazy stuff? I think maybe…” Mom was leaning on the headrest, tilting her head to the side. She’d have zero recollection. “Maybe she wasn’t so crazy. Some of what she said might be true.” If it wasn’t, then I was crazy too. It was one or the other. It looked like my mental health would sink or swim with Gram’s.
“I know, honey. Of course she was crazy, but she’s in a better place now.” She yawned.
Why did I bother? She barely listened to me anyway.
“No, I’m saying that she mightnothave been crazy,” I said, my voice a little louder so she’d have to hear me.
“I know, she was crazy. I’m agreeing with you.” She turned to look at me, as if she didn’t know why I was picking a fight.
“But shewasn’tcrazy.”
She was staring right at me. There was no way she hadn’t heard me this time.
She looked at me as if I were completely baffling her. “Billie, I’m not arguing with you. Everyone knows Gram was crazy. Do we have to keep talking about this?”
I wasn’t crazy. She couldn’t hear me. Or she heard something completely different than what I was saying. Or maybe what IthoughtI was saying wasn’t what was coming out of my mouth? I didn’t know, but if I weren’t crazy, I’d signed a nondisclosure.
I pulled up in front of our house. She got out and stumbled toward the door as I sat there, wondering if I was crazy and dreading walking into that house again. Gram wouldn’t be sitting at the table, playing solitaire and drinking a coffee, smiling at me as I came in.
“Billie?” my mother called, wobbling her way back to the car. “Until I do get that money settled, have you talked to the landlord yet?”
With all the things going on, the rent raise had been completely eclipsed. It had been buried under the avalanche of other worries.
“No, but I’ll call him tomorrow. I promise.”
“Just because Gram is gone doesn’t mean we can afford to be homeless.”
“Mom, I swear, I’ll handle it. I’ve got to go somewhere right now. I’ll be back soon.”
“Where are you taking my car?”
“I’ll be back,” I said, afraid to leave her car at the house when no one was there to hide her keys.
My mind felt like a quarter horse on a race track that had no end. It was sweaty, foaming at the mouth, and about to keel over from exhaustion.
I glanced around the park, making sure no one was within hearing distance.
“Gram? You out there somewhere?” I whispered. No one answered, which was probably to be expected. Except if I wasn’t going crazy, and what I’d been seeing weren’t delusions, then her telling me we’d talk again had to be true too. I’d even come to her favorite spot, under the big old oak tree with all the Spanish moss.
Unless I was indeed crazy. If I was, then talking to her wasn’t going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back on my diagnosis. The delusions would be.
