AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Chapter 42
Grace
I’vebeeninCash’sapartment for four nights. Ever since our kiss the first night he has kept his distance. I’m running out of excuses to stay here. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. On Christmas Eve of all days, and I know Cash has plans for Christmas with his family.
Cat told me their plans.Sheinvited me. He’s said nothing. I don’t want her invite. I appreciate it, but I’m not going without Cash asking. I won’t be a burden, and that’s all I feel like right now. Once the doctor clears me, there will be no reason for me to stay.
It’s not like I haven’t made it clear that I’m interested in things progressing with us. I’m acutely aware of the cameras in his apartment. I know he used to love watching me when he was in the office. I just assumed he’d do it again. But maybe since we aren’t together anymore, he feels wrong looking. Or maybe he’s not interested.
I mean, that seems impossible. He’s told me he wants to get back together. But he also hasn’t made a move to touch me again. Maybe the pregnancy freaks him out. Maybe he’s not attracted to me now that I’m pregnant. Plenty of men get like that. It’s not ideal, and quite frankly, it’s unfair. Women are the ones who have to grow the baby, whose bodies change, who literally lose all control over even simple bodily functions, and yet men can just say, “I’m not attracted to you right now,” and we’re supposed to just deal with it.
Unfortunately, it’s even more precarious for us because we aren’tactuallytogether. If we were, I could tell him that he’s making me feel unwanted, but seeing as how we haven’t had sex in months…well, I’m feeling quite uneasy about it all.
It’s nine o’clock at night and I’m tired of sitting in this apartment wondering when he’ll show his face again. He came up for dinner, watched me eat, said a few words, and then disappeared downstairs, mumbling about needing to finish something for work. If I’m going to be alone all the time, I might as well be back at my apartment.
Tired of waiting around and refusing to beg for attention, I set out to find a piece of paper to leave Cash a note. I’ll leave it in his room. No need for him to sleep in the guest bedroom with me gone.
I jot out a few words, the gist of which is that I’m feeling restless and decided to go home. I feel fine. I’ll call him tomorrow and see him after Christmas.
I grasp my belly and swallow down a tear. “I’m sorry, baby. I just can’t do this. I lived through a marriage where we didn’t talk or spend time together. I can’t do it again. We’ll be okay on our own.”
I feel ridiculous in my stupid robe. I’d taken a bath and now I need to get dressed and get out of here. I grab the note, and my robe billows around me as I speed down the hall to the guest bedroom. There’s no way he’ll miss the note if I leave it on his pillow. I open the door without hesitation and draw back in shock.
Months ago, when I’d been living here, I’d commented how much I loved the light in this room. There were bookshelves and big windows which didn’t exist in any of the other rooms. It had been a plain grey color with a black bed and simple furnishings. That’s what I expected to find when I entered. I’m not prepared for what I find instead.
The walls are now a distinct purple. I know without a shadow of a doubt they are the color of my eyes. The light of the moon streams in through the windows which remain uncovered, revealing every detail of this love letter of a space.
On one wall is the bed that I remember, but the rest of the furniture is gone. In the corner by the window is a large easel with a stool in front of it.
Without thinking, I move in its direction, picking up the new paint brushes and art supplies which sit on the bookshelf behind it. I run my hand over the canvas and close my eyes as emotion threatens to spill from my eyes and burns my throat.
The painting that I began in Bristol, of Cash and me dancing, sits on the easel. “Oh, Cash,” I whisper, as my fingers stroke the figures on the paper. I’m brought back to a happier time, a simpler time, when I thought for sure Cash and I would dance beneath the stars again. Not just once, but for the rest of our lives.
“What is all this?” I can’t help but mutter aloud. My eyes roam the rest of the room, and I spot the books that now line what used to be empty shelves. My fingers scroll across the titles, and I recognize a few of the love stories that sit in Marion’s apartment.My apartment. All of them appear new.
Scrubbing my forehead with my hand, I try to make sense of it. In the corner I spot a rocking chair, and I sigh. “It’s like the room was designed for me,” I say to myself. But what does it mean? When did he do this? And why?
And why has he been hiding it?
Why hashebeen hiding?
Fueled by confusion, and sorrow, and joy, and anger,and need, I flick off the light and leave the room, making my way quickly to the elevator.
It’s time for answers. It’s time for hard truths. We can’t keep walking on eggshells around one another. I need to know what this all means, and I need to know why he’s pushing me away again.
It isn’t until I’m arriving in his office suite that I realize I’m still wearing the damn robe. At least it’s black and silky, although I do much prefer my blue one that feels like a hug. This is more like a negligee, and while it served its purpose to tease Cash while I walked around the penthouse in it, or maybe it didn’t because he’s clearly been uninterested, I feel too naked in it now.
Still, I continue to move forward, the wooden floor cold against my steps. I'm shrouded in darkness as the only light seems to be coming from below Cash’s office door, although the moonlight sets a path forward thanks to the floor-to-ceiling windows that look out over the city of Boston.
I burst through the door before even considering that Cash may have a woman in here or be meeting with someone.
Squeezing my eyes shut in nervousness for what I might find, I stand in the doorway and clear my throat. “May I come in?”
Cash laughs. “Why are you standing there with your eyes closed?”
I slowly allow one lid to peek open, adjust to the light, and peer around for a few seconds before opening the other. I bite the inside of my lip. “Didn’t know if maybe you were meeting with someone.”
Cash shakes his head with a smile. “And if I was meeting with someone, do you think that would be an appropriate outfit for you to wear?”
