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“You what? You got scared because you actually felt something in that black heart of yours? You decided it would be easier to push me away instead of facing your fucking feelings like an adult. Is that it? You chose the cowardly way out instead of facing down your fears.” My words are meant to cut deep and I can tell they do. He looks hurt, showing more emotion than he has in the entire time I’ve known him.
He’s dropping all his walls for me to see the true him, and it’s absolutely fucking terrifying. This side of him is one that I yearn to protect and save. The side of him that I want to reach out to and tell that it will all be okay, that we can get past this, that I still lov—care about him. That I’m still so fucking enamored of him even when he left me to pick up my broken heart and mend it together.
“I didn’t know. I fucked up. I know that, but I didn’t know.” His voice hardens, and just as quickly as he let me in, he closes himself off. He looks angry, like he’s ready to punch something to punish himself. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he mumbles as he squeezes his eyes shut.
“No, you didn’t, and I know that. How could you have known that he would take me away, beat me, rape me, make me want to die every time his hands were on me? How could you know that even though you hurt me so damn bad, I still thought about you every time his hands were on me? How could you know that I felt like a fucking fool for still caring about you when you broke me, when you hurt me more than anyone else ever could?” It’s a low blow, but the truth. Zayan fucked me up, but I expect that from him. I know Zayan’s a monster, but Marnix blindsided me, and that cuts fucking deep.
Marnix’s breathing grows faster, choppier, almost to the point of gasping. “Tara…” The whiplash he’s giving me between showing me his emotions, from hardening his exterior to showing them again, is making me dizzy.
“But that still doesn’t excuse the fact that you took his side over mine. You didn’t trust me. You didn’t even let me explain. You saw what you thought was true and decided I must be a dirty liar, that I must be just another gold-digging whore from the West Side. That I’m not worthy of your time or energy. Fuck, I don’t even know if that’s what you truly were thinking, but that’s the way you made me feel. You made me feel worthless.” My voice cracks the more I go on. My face is on fire from embarrassment and anger. I clench my fists, feeling them shake from the rage coursing through me.
“No, never. You are so much fucking more than that. Honestly, I knew there was something different about you the day I met you. I never thought you were a gold-digging whore,” he argues.
“Didn’t you, though? Then explain to me why you did it. Ibeggedyou not to leave me with him. Why did you?”
“I was scared, okay? I was terrified and saw the first sign of trouble, and I felt like I was losing control. I thought if I took the easy way out, I’d be protecting myself from the pain that loving you could cause.” He pulls at his hair, still pacing back and forth.Loving me? Did he just admit he loves me?“But I swear to you, I regret that decision every fucking day. It’s all I can think about. I ruined everything, and I hate myself for it. I’ll never forgive myself.” He raises his voice, but I know he’s not mad at me. He’s angry at himself. I ignore his confession of love because I can’t handle it. It’s too much for me to process.
“You were scared? How the fuck do you think I felt? I was alone, and I thought I was going to die. I thought I’d never see the light of day again.” I laugh. None of this is funny, but at this point, I feel like snapping. I’m so on edge I’m not sure what I’ll do next.
“I’m so, so, so sorry. Tara, I didn’t know. Please, you have to know that I never ever would have let you go if I had known. I keep saying that, but I don’t know what else to say. You mean so much to me, and I know I messed that up. I broke your trust and made you feel like I didn’t care, but I want to show you that you are so fucking important to me. I want to prove to you that I’m still the guy you found yourself falling for.” He moves directly in front of me, reaching out to touch my cheek. Instead of shifting away, I allow him to touch me, because as strong as I want to pretend I am, he’s a weakness. He’s ripping me apart with how badly he’s begging, and I want to cave. I want to let it all go and act like it never happened, but that’s a dream instead of reality.
“You really ruined it,” I whisper, looking up at him so he can see exactly how I feel. So he can see my pain.
“Tara, please. Tell me what I can do. I’ll do anything. Just tell me how to fix this, how to fix us.” He rests his forehead against mine, moving us closer than we’ve been in a long time. Breathing in his scent sends me into a tailspin. He’s so broken, so sorry, and so sad, but I have to respect myself. I need actions, not words, from him.
“I don’t know if you can. The damage has been done.” It’s the truth. I’m not sure how we’ll ever move on when every time I think about Zayan, I think about how I got there in the first place.
“Tara.” He lowers his lips, hesitantly pressing them against mine. I instinctively return his kiss, filling that part of me that I’ve been missing since that night. When he kisses me, it’s easy to forget about everything else. I could get lost in him at this moment, but the rational part of my brain stops this from going any further, so I step away from him. The pain of rejection spreads across his face.
“Marnix, I just need time. I get that you didn’t know what would happen, but you still didn’t trust me enough or care about me enough to be on my side. You couldn’t take my word for it. That’s not something I can easily forget and just get over because you said some pretty words.” I take a deep breath, trying to regain my composure, because every inch of my skin begs me to run back into his arms and let go of all the things that have happened between us. My body is a traitor, just like he thought I was.
“I’m not asking you to forget. I’m…I’m just… I’m asking you to let me try to show you I can be the man you want. The one you need.” His blue eyes are full of sadness.
I never imagined I’d see him like this, so openly broken. I bet that if Rush or Cohutta were here, he wouldn’t be so open and… weak. This vulnerability is all for me.
“Like you gave me a chance to explain?” It’s a sharp barb, but I’m backed into a corner from which I need to escape.
“I deserve that,” he agrees. “Throw it all at me. Tell me how I hurt you. Hurt me back. Hit me. Do what you have to do. But know this, I will still be here, waiting for you. No matter how much you push me away, I won’t give up on you or us.” I can’t do this anymore. It’s enough for today.
I just can’t.
“I-I’ve gotta go.” I turn around quickly, trying to head back to the door to get some space to clear my head.
“Wait.” He grabs onto my wrist before I have a chance to push out of the room. My skin is on fire from his touch, but I shake it off. Even when I want to hate him, he has this powerful hold over me.
“Stop,” I sigh. “If you want us to ever have a chance of happening again, it will be my way. If you ever want me to trust you, you will trust me and my judgment. You will show me that you’re not going to take off at the first sign of trouble or when you get scared. You’ll prove to me that I mean to you what you say I do,” I say with more power than I feel right now.
“I will show you how serious I am. I’ll get you back, and I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.” He is so sure of himself right now that I even believe what he’s saying. He stands taller, like he’s promising me the world and to burn it down if anything gets in his way.
“Yeah, we’ll see if that’s true.” I tug my arm out of his hold and slip through the door before I make any more mistakes for the night. I truly believe he’s going to do everything he can to get me to trust him again, and I’m not sure what’s more terrifying, that he’ll try or that I want him to.
Ithought if I could get her alone just once, I could fix everything. I could try to get us back on the right track to where we should’ve been. I know words are cheap and won’t miraculously make it better, but I was hoping we’d move forward a little.
But I was wrong.
Tara isn’t a pushover. She isn’t naive. She knows apologies and sweet words won’t fix everything. She prefers actions over words. She wants to see that I’m going to do something to show I’m sorry instead of just saying it.
I was hoping it would be enough. Ineedthis to be fixed, to patch us back together. I need her even if I didn’t realize that before. It’s fucking clear as day now.
