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I’m so emotionally exhausted that his touch is what I need right now.
Marnix places his hand on my cheek, rubbing his thumb against my skin to wipe the tears that continue to stream down my face. I instinctively lean into his touch, finding comfort. The warmth of his palm calms me in a way I didn’t know I needed. The simple touch of his hand has my body yearning for him even more.
I’ve missed him. Fuck, I’ve missed him so much. It’s not the same when we aren’t fighting and arguing. It’s not the same without the undeniable chemistry buzzing between us.
His eyes hold mine as they fill with dejection and despair. “That was beautiful.” Tears are welling in his ocean blues, but he pushes them back down trying to mask his emotions. Both of us are feeling more than we can express in words.
“Don’t hide.” My voice is soft, barely audible, but he nods his head in understanding.
“I don’t want to,” he whispers, moving his face closer to mine. The intensity in his eyes is full of promise. “I’m tired of hiding from you.”
“It hurts too much. Everything hurts. I can’t get it to stop. I wish I could forget it all. I want it to go away.” My body is feverish, getting warmer by the second. A cold sweat breaks across my skin as my clothes stick to my body. Anxiety crawls up my throat, weighing me down with too many overwhelming thoughts.
“Let me take the pain. Let me help you. Tell me what you need.” The worry he feels is soaking into every word he utters, almost snapping me in half. He truly is sorry for everything he’s done, sorry for what he did to us. Is it time for me to move on? Is that what he deserves? Am I selling myself short if I do?
“Marnix…” My voice croaks, all of the pain slipping out.
“I’ll do whatever you want me to, but let me help. It guts me seeing you like this.” He’s putting on a brave face, but neither of us is fooling the other.
“I’m scared you’ll hurt me again. I—” I take in a deep breath, overwhelmed by the stifling emotions surrounding us. I can’t guarantee he won’t flip on me again in a matter of seconds. I can’t trust he’ll have my back next time.
“I’ll never hurt you again. I’ll kill myself before that happens,” he chokes.
I shake my head. “How can I trust your word?” I whisper. He did it before when I thought he wouldn’t. What’s to say he won’t do it again.
“I know my words don’t mean shit, but I’m trying to show you. You mean the world to me, Tara. I fucked up. If you want me to walk away, it will gut me inside, but if it’s truly what you want, I’ll do it because I…I—” He’s visibly shaking the longer he continues, but I can’t hear what I know he’s about to say. It will shatter me to pieces.
“Marnix, stop. Please.” I begin crying harder.
“I’m sorry.” He drops his head, but I reach out to put my palm on his cheek like he had his on mine.
“I know you are. I hear you. I still listen to what you say and I can see that you’re truly sorry.” He regrets everything, but I’m still healing from a broken heart. We continue to look at each other as the air buzzes around us. I need to leave. I need to be alone, but I don’t want to walk away from him. My heart and my head are at war with each other, and I don’t know which one I want to win right now.
Before I can say anything else, he closes the distance between us. His kiss is desperate, needy, and wanting. I press my body into his, molding against him, letting go even if it’s just for a moment. I let myself believe we can move forward and that I won’t hold it against him anymore. That we can be two people who love each other endlessly without allowing the outside world to tear us apart.
He pushes forward with a promise to give me anything I could ever ask for if I just let him in. If I could find it in myself to trust him with my heart again, we could be great together. He’s silently begging me to give him another chance. Knowing in my heart I’m not there, it’s not fair to string him along and give him false hope that I’m ready to forgive. Pulling away from him, I rest my forehead against his to catch my breath.
“I feel like a broken record, but I can’t. I don’t trust you with my heart yet.” Everything is caving in on me. It’s suffocating and achingly torturous.
“I know. I shouldn’t have done that.” His heart is cracking just like mine, the anguish emitting off his body. The tension rises between us, mixing with sorrow and grief for what we could’ve been. It’s a reminder of the divide that simmers between us.
“I let you except I’m just not ready.” My voice is soft, barely audible.
“Do you think you’ll ever let me in again?” The raspiness of his voice is laced with so much pain. He continues to press his forehead against mine, but he moves his hands to my neck, gently rubbing his fingers back and forth against my skin. Seeing this side of Marnix is confusing. I’m not used to him being remorseful or soft. He’s always been a hardass with a rugged exterior. I don’t hate seeing this version of him, but it fucks me up even more because the agony is almost too much to handle.
“I…I don’t…” I’m not entirely sure what to say. Part of me wants to say yes, but the stubborn, bull-headed side wants to say no because he betrayed me once and I’m scared he’ll do it again. He pulls back from my forehead and a single tear rolls down his face, but he moves so fast to wipe it away I barely notice it.
“Marnix…it’s too hard right now.” The tears begin to roll down my face again. My body hurts like I’ve been beaten again with how much I’m aching to just let go.
“Baby.” The way he calls me baby almost destroys me. It’s agonizing to push him away, but I can’t let him in. He wipes away the tears, continuing to comfort me at the same time I’m pushing him away.
A defeated sigh leaves my body as I slump forward, dropping my head. Marnix doesn’t let me stay like this for long before he tilts my chin back up so I can meet his eyes.
Marnix is complicated, frustrating, and an asshole. He betrayed me, he didn’t trust me, and I was hurt because of that. But he’s not the one who abused me, raped me, or tried to destroy me. He’s the one who let me go easily so all that could happen, yet he didn’t know what would happen. He was distrusting, but he didn’t have evil intent. He would’ve never put me in that position if he would’ve known.
However, our future would be on rocky ground. I don’t think he would hurt me like that again, considering what has already happened, but I didn’t think he would in the first place.
Deep down inside, I know the truth and the words I want to utter. It’s how I’ve felt since I’ve been back, but I’ve been too scared to admit it. I’m still processing everything and I need time, but I can’t say no to him because I’d be lying to myself. “I think I’ll be ready someday. I just need time.”
