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The more I think about losing them, the more it hurts. If I only have a few more days here, I don’t want to spend them thinking about the treacherous future.
There’s only one thing I want to do right now that will ease my racing mind. The one thing that can take away the noise inside my head for a while. The only problem is getting past Marnix, who is sleeping outside my door. He’s done it every night since I’ve been back, forgoing comfort to ensure he’s nearby if I ever need him.
The gesture means more than I care to admit. He’s clearly sorry and trying to give me the space I need, but it’s becoming increasingly harder for him to stay away.
Harder formeto stay away too.
I teeter between wondering if I’m ready to forgive him or if I’ll ever be able to. My body wants to wrap itself in his warm embrace, but my heart cracks whenever I see those perfect blue eyes. My soul craves his love while my head drives itself with anger.
Bracing my shaking hand, I grab onto the handle, steadily turning it and pulling the door open as quietly as possible. Thankfully it doesn’t make any noise as it opens, but the sight in front of me has me stopping in my tracks and my heart beating out of my chest.
Marnix is propped against the opposite wall, facing me. His head uncomfortably rests on his shoulder as he sleeps. He’s dressed down in sweatpants and a white shirt that tightly hugs his muscles. His dark hair is messy. It looks like he’s ran his fingers through it multiple times. His arms are crossed over his broad chest and his face is scrunched in discomfort. Even in his sleep, he looks like there’s something bothering him. He doesn’t look like he’s at peace but instead warring with himself.
Deciding I’ve stared at him long enough, I step over his stretched-out legs and tiptoe away as fast as possible without making any noise. Looking behind me, Marnix hasn’t moved, so I head down the stairs toward the only room I want to be in. One I’ve been dying to be in since I returned. One that holds secrets I still don’t know.
I’m hoping it’s far enough away from the bedroom that no one will notice I’m in here, but I don’t care all that much at this point. Pure excitement courses through me at the gorgeous sight. I drag my fingers along the smooth rose gold surface before sitting on the matching bench. Lifting the lid, I’m instantly relieved by the view of black and white keys before me.
It’s been too long.
I haven’t been able to escape in what seems like forever.
My hands shakily glide across the cool surface before I press down on a key. The beautiful note echoes through the room, sending goosebumps across my skin. My fingers rest on the keys and I instinctively play “The Sound of Silence'' by Simon and Garfunkel from memory. The emotions take over as the melancholy tunes reverberate through my bones. My chest aches with the captivating tone slicing through my hard exterior straight down to my core.
The first chord dredges up the reminder of Zayan’s fingers against my skin. The acidic burn of each finger imprinted on my body. The notes continue to pound through the air, emphasizing each time he violated me. The isolation and emptiness I felt being with him the first time, the way he made me into a person I no longer recognized. A person living as a shell of the woman I wanted to be. It’s all bubbling to the surface, tipping me over into madness.
This last time was even worse than the first. I wasn’t sure I’d survive him again. I wasn’t sure if I even made it out of there alive or if I wanted to survive. The battle in my mind pushed me to fold into myself, to pretend the anguish wasn’t ripping me at the seams. I’ve been pretending that I’m not affected, that I don’t see his face every time I close my eyes, that I don’t feel his warm breath against my skin, that I don’t endure the same nightmare every night in my dreams. All the things he did to me will never go away. No matter how many times I try to erase them, they are all-consuming.
The memories plague me.
The reminders try to sabotage me, preventing me from moving forward.
Wetness coats my cheeks, falling onto the keys as my fingers push harder and harder, speeding up the melody and creating an intensity of hurried notes. The faster my fingers move, the quicker my heart beats. The quicker my mind races straight into confusion and exhaustion.
My body ignites, releasing the tension that’s been weighing me down.
My heart bleeds onto the keys, ripping from my chest like it was never mine to control in the first place.
Each note expels a dark part of my soul. Every piece of me wants to release the demons holding me under water. Every single note played is another crack in my foundation that shatters with each breath I take. It’s pure and utter madness as my entire body jolts to the music. I’m lost in my head, sobbing onto the piano.
Each second I play is another moment of chaos that swirls inside me.
Each note is a reminder of the pain I've endured.
Each note is the possibility of a new beginning.
Each note is a promise for a better future.
Each note is another closer to me claiming my power again.
I want that change; I need that change. I can’t allow myself to be suffocated by the demons of my past any longer.
I’ve slowly been finding the way back. Cohutta and Rush have been patient and gracious. They’ve been waiting until I’m ready, and even when I think I am, they realize that I’m not. Because I’m still healing mentally, physically, and emotionally.
I want to move forward. I want to put the past behind me. I want to face my demons and become the warrior in my story. I’m a motherfucking force to be reckoned with, and I just have to find that part of me again. She’s been knocked unconscious, and it’s time for her to wake up and fight. I have to reclaim my power, and I fucking will. I’ll return to being the woman I can be.
Soft noise behind me has my fingers coming to an abrupt halt, letting the notes linger ominously in the air. I sniffle, trying to stop the quiet sobs coming out of me before I talk to whoever is behind me. Turning around, I find Marnix standing a few feet away like he’s lost in thought with a dazed look on his face.
He cautiously moves toward me, squatting down so he’s kneeling beside me. He’s so close his breath kisses my skin. He hesitantly reaches up, his hand hovering, waiting, before I slowly nod, giving him permission to touch me.
