Page 102 of If I Could


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“Why couldn’t it?” She stands up and smooths her skirt. She dresses up every day. I think it’s because she’s old. Old people like dressing up. I always wear jeans to work or a casual skirt with a t-shirt.

“Where does he live?”

“Branson.”

“That’s like three hours away.”

“That’s nothing. If he likes me enough, he’ll make the drive.” She goes to the window that looks out at the front parking lot. “He’s not due to show up for another few minutes.” She comes over to my desk. “So how about you and the writer?”

“Kyle? What about him?”

“I assume you two will continue your romance when he leaves? Or whenyouleave?”

“No,” I quickly say, pretending to type on my computer. I don’t want to talk about this. I like to live in my happy little bubble where Kyle and I get to stay together after this summer.

“No?” She laughs. “But he’s your love.”

I stop typing and look at her. “What do you mean?”

“He loves you. You can’t let miles come between that.”

I don’t think Kyle loves me but I don’t bother correcting her.

“He lives in California. I can’t afford to go see him. And he can’t afford to fly back to seeme.”

Actually, I don’t know if he could afford it or not. He’s never talked about money but he seems to have plenty. His wallet is always full of what seems like an endless supply of hundred dollar bills, and one day he drove into Kansas City and bought all new clothes from very expensive designer brands.

So he definitely has money but I don’t know how much or where it came from. It’s one of the things that bothers me about him, mainly because of my dad. My dad showed up in expensive clothes and an expensive car and it turned out they were paid for with stolen money. But I can’t make assumptions about Kyle based on what my dad did. It’s not fair to him.

“Let me tell you a little story,” Helen says, pulling up a chair. “Years ago, I met a young man the summer after I graduated high school. We hadn’t dated long but I knew he was the one. He loved me. Cherished me.” A longing look comes over her eyes. “And I lovedhim, but I didn’t want to admit it.”

“Why? Because it was too soon?”

“Because he was leaving. He was drafted and sent overseas. Before he left, I tried to end things between us. I told him it would never work and that it wasn’t fair to either of us to continue what clearly wasn’t meant to be. I said if it was, he wouldn’t have been taken from me.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said ‘bullshit!’ and slammed his fist on my mother’s dining room table.”

My eyes widen, surprised that Helen cursed. I’ve never once heard her swear and the few timesI’vedone it, she’s scolded me, telling me there are better words to express myself.

“What’d he do next?”

She shrugs. “He proposed.”

“After you tried to break up with him?”

“Loren was a stubborn fool.” She smiles. “But he wasmystubborn fool.”

Loren was her husband. He died over ten years ago.

“But that’s not what you wanted, so what made you say yes?”

“I didn’t really want to end things with him. I loved him. I wanted to spend my life with him. But I didn’t see how it was possible with him going overseas. Loren said my logic made no sense and he was right. Because it wasn’t about logic. It was about not getting hurt. I was trying to protect my heart. If I stayed with him, I’d miss him every second of every day that he was away.”

“But the same thing would happen if you broke up with him.”

“Yes, but I thought it would get better over time. Back then, I didn’t realize that if you really love someone, it doesn’t just go away if you don’t see them anymore.”

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