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“I’ll be careful.” I give her a reassuring smile.
“You could just do what the letter said.” Mia purses her lips. “Convince your mom somehow, leave—”
“You’ve already tried to convince me of that once before.” I laugh. “I’m not running away, Mia. I’m going to face this head-on. That’s what my dad—”
“What he would want you to do? Athena, your dad, did the exact opposite of that!” Mia bursts out. “He ratted—and do you even know why? Was it something that meant he needed to in order to save you and your mom? Or was he just scared of going to prison?”
There’s a long silence between the two of us. “I’m sorry,” Mia whispers. “I know that was probably out of line. I didn’t mean—”
“You did. But it’s okay.” I poke at my banana bread, but I’ve lost my appetite. “I don’t know. And that’s part of why I don’t want to leave—I want to know. I want to find out why—and I want to find out what the fuck is really going on in this town.”
“Is that really why? Or is there some other reason, too?”
I narrow my eyes at her. “What do you mean?”
“I just mean—maybe it’s the guys, too. Maybe they’re part of why you don’t want to leave. You know, if you’re starting to get—” Mia shrugs. “Feelings? For them?”
I almost choke on my sip of my latte. “Are you serious? Feelings? For Cayde and Dean—”
“And Jaxon,” Mia finishes. “Especially Jaxon.”
“Jaxon lied to me. And as for the other two—”
“Have you ever thought that maybe Jaxon was just doing what he needed to in order to protect you both? That maybe he couldn’t say no to Cayde any more than you could? Maybe he was trying to not put a target on either of you by showing favoritism.” Mia shakes her head. “And I saw your face when you went into that classroom with Dean. Part of you wanted to go. You might have felt guilty about it, but you were looking forward to what he was going to do to you in there. And I’ve seen you with Cayde too—you like fighting with him. You like the challenge they all give you.”
My cheeks flame hot, and I suddenly feel terribly, awfully defensive. “And what do you know about it?” I snap. “You’ve never even had a boyfriend. You’ve never dated. So how the fuck do you know anything about how I’m dealing with this? I don’t have feelings for them. I’m trying to do what’s best for everyone by figuring out what the shit they’re playing at really is instead of just running away!”
“You’re pretty defensive for someone with no feelings,” Mia says in a small voice, shrugging. “And anyway, Athena, no one asked you to be the savior of the town. You and your mom are really the only people you should worry about keeping safe. Everyone else can figure their shit out.”
I glare at her. “Well, I’ll remember that when I’m trying to figure out how to keep Dean from lording over everyone here. Thanks for nothing, I guess. Just don’t come to the party. Consider this your official un-invitation.”
I grab my backpack, bolting up from the seat, and hurrying out into the crisp fall air. It feels cold against my hot cheeks, and I dip my head, trudging down the path. Part of me hopes that Mia runs after me, and part of me doesn’t want her to because I can’t stand examining my feelings anymore right now.
Did we just have a fight?All of this bullshit is going on, and I just fought with my best and only friend for the first time ever. We didn’t even fight with each other when we were in high school. Since that day that I awed her by mouthing off to Cayde St. Vincent before I knew who he was, we’d been inseparable, which was all the funnier because we’ve always been so different. I’ve always been bold, tough, loud, impulsive. Mia is shy and sweet and bookish and nerdy, overly careful about everything. We’ve always complemented each other in that way.
But now I need to do something bold and loud and daring, and of course, Mia thinks I should run, that the fate of the other people here isn’t my business. And, of course, the reason I got pissed at her is that I know she’s right. No one asked me to swoop in and fix something that’s been going on for hundreds of years just because I decided it wasn’t okay—but it’s not. Men like Dean and Cayde, and yes, even Jaxon, have been running the world for far too long.
It’s time for them to understand that not every woman can be broken. Not all of us want to be sacrificed so that men can grow strong off of our blood, sweat, and tears. That some of us have our own agendas, our own games to play.
But I can’t pretend that this isn’t selfish, that it isn’t me wanting to get back at them for roping me into this game in the first place, that finding out the truth about why my father betrayed his club and his family isn’t all my prerogative. This isn’t some superhero origin story. I haven’t been chosen to save Blackmoor from the machinations of rich men. Hell, there’s probably a third of Blackmoor at least that wants those rich men to stay in power because it serves them well.
I’m doing this for me, and Mia was right to make me face that.
I know I should go back and apologize to her. But I’m already a good bit from the coffee shop, and my emotions are overloaded. I want to go to the gym and work my frustrations out on the bag, but the guys might be there, and I don’t trust myself to train with Jaxon right now.
Speak of the devil. The sound of a familiar motorcycle grows louder behind me, and as I turn around to make sure it’s not my stalker on the back of her friend—boyfriend’s?—bike again, I see that it’s Jaxon, just like I thought.
“Hey Athena,” he says neutrally, his face carefully blank. “Want a ride home?”
It’s tempting to say yes. I haven’t been on the back of Jaxon’s bike in a long time. I miss it, the smell of the engine exhaust and the feeling of his buttery soft jacket under my fingers, the heat of his body against mine and the vibrations of the seat under me, the sway of the bike and the way I needed to hold tight to him without having to admit that I liked it, the smell of his skin and soap and the flutter of his hair against my nose from under the helmet.
Fuck.This is what Mia was talking about. Feelings. Feelings that I shouldn’t have and need to get rid of as soon as possible. This isn’t about emotions; it’s about getting to the bottom of it all. And Jaxon is the last one that I should be allowing to distract me. He wants no part of this. My focus should be on Cayde right now, and then I’ll figure out what to do about Jaxon.
“No,” I tell him, trying to hide the regret in my voice. “It’s alright, I could use the exercise. I’ll walk.”
I want him to argue, to insist I get on the bike with him, even order me the way Cayde or Dean would. But that’s not Jaxon’s style, which is why I’ll never understand fully what happened in the library between us.
Mia’s explanation flickers in my head, but I push it away. I can’t think that Jaxon would try to protect me. It’ll just hurt me more in the end. He’d told me from the very beginning not to rely on him, and then he showed me exactly why. I can’t allow myself any other explanation; it’ll hurt too much otherwise in the end.
