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“Suit yourself.” Jaxon shrugs. “See you at the house.”
See?I tell myself as I walk, watching him fade into the distance. He doesn’t care. He never really did. He’s just his own brand of asshole, like the rest of them.
Thinking that doesn’t make the clenching pit in my stomach go away, though. He’ll be at the party, which means he won’t be able to miss what’s going to go down. And it’s going to fucking hurt him. In fact, I’m pretty fucking sure he’s going to hate me after it’s done. Whatever could have happened between us, whatever we could have been in some other life or any of that bullshit, it’ll be all gone after this. Jaxon won’t forgive me, or even if he does, he won’t be able to scrub it out of his head. He’ll see me differently.
He’ll have to.
I still plan to seduce him, of course, after I check Cayde off of the list. I need to get all three guys if it’s going to be clear that there’s no winner. If they’ve all had me, then the game should be completely fucked. Especially if it’s obvious that I chose to fuck them all so that Dean can’t claim that he “gave” me to them or some bullshit to make it his choice and not mine and strengthen his claim.
But it won’t be like it would have been before. When I finally get Jaxon into bed, it won’t be like the night I tried to give him my virginity. The irony is that none of this would have fucking happened if he’d given in, and he’d been the one. That night would have been pretty much everything I could have hoped for. Now it’ll just be another machination, a manipulation of Jaxon to further my own plan. A seduction that’s a means to an end, not just me trying to sleep with him because I want him.
And I do. God help me, I still want him so fucking bad, even though I know I shouldn’t. Out of the three, Jaxon could have been the one I really cared about. The one that made me feel things I don’t dare put words to. In any other circumstance, the one that would have been mine and I would have been his.
In this situation, though, that’s dangerous thinking. This means what’s about to happen with Cayde is just as much for my own good as it is for the plan.
I need to fuck any thoughts of falling for these guys out of my system. And the best way to do that?
Fuck the one who won’t have any problem treating me like a whore.
