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Overwhelmed, I take a sip of my water, only to gasp at the tickling sensation of the sweet drink that swishes in my mouth.
“This makes my tongue feel weird,” I say, only now noticing how intently Ben and Tanya are staring at me. “Is it meant to do this?”
“Yes, that’s the best bit!” Tanya exclaims, pushing another cup with a straw toward me. “Here’s some water. You just had cola in your mouth, an absolute forbidden substance in Koschei’s village.”
This news makes me want to throw up instantly. I lift the cap off the cola; the liquid inside is dark and bubbly. Like something Baba Yaga would cook up in her pot.
I shouldn’t have drunk it so blindly. I shouldn’t have trusted the way of this world, so filled with darkness and forbidden things.
“You didn’t like it?” Ben asks.
It doesn’t seem like he will punish me, so I shake my head. “I prefer water.”
“I’ll finish it for you.” He hums as he takes the cola and sips from it without fear.
Suddenly, I want to run away. The burger in front of me is too packed with unfamiliar flavors, and the potato sticks are too salty and hard on the outside, soft on the inside, too different from the buttery boiled potatoes I’m used to. The water has a strange aftertaste and the lights above our table are blinding.
I reach for the safe space inside me, a field of tall golden rye, where I can sit undisturbed for ours, but it’s like it’s hidden behind a curtain. I can see it, but I can’t get to it. The realization makes my heart pound and a whooshing sound starts in my ears. No matter how hard Koschei’s punishment was, I was always able to enter my safe space.
I allow none of these feelings to reach my face. Instead, I pretend to chew with a blank expression, fixing my eyes on a blinking light at the wall farthest from us.
Ben and Tanya are talking and smiling in the background, oblivious to the calamity brewing inside me.
I force another bite of the burger down my throat, my happiness from mere moments ago completely replaced with dread. I feel untethered. My village burned down and Koschei abandoned me. I can never go back to the painful but familiar life I used to lead there. This world is too big and too overwhelming, with too many people, too many choices, and not enough virtues. I will never fit in.
The knowledge I gained in the two days I’ve been here now weighs me down. I suddenly understand that if I ever want to become like Tanya and Ben, I will have to live like them. Dress in shiny, revealing clothes, drink pure darkness, and exchange saliva for a shot at future happiness.
“I need to go to the washroom,” I say after I wash the last piece of chewed-up slimy burger down my tight throat.
“I’ll go with you.” Tanya begins to stand up, but I put a hand on her shoulder.
“We’ve been there already. I know the way. I would like to go alone.”
“Are you sure?”
“I don’t think that’s a—”
Ben and Tanya reply at the same time, their concern mingling in one monster sentence.
“I will be back.” I point in the direction of the washroom. “You can follow my movement from here. I’m not going to get lost.”
Their desire to follow me everywhere makes me feel odd. Did Ben forget how I followed him to the dark village of iron houses? Or did Tanya ignore that I’m Malaya Zhritsa, the next in line for immortality?
I need a moment to myself, a quiet place where I can fix my connection to the safe place. Without it, I won’t survive. Not here, not anywhere.
“Okay,” Tanya says.
Ben scans the crowd with his eyes, as if looking out for some unseen danger. To be honest, I’ve been looking too. But I’ve only spotted shoppers like us. Everyone is doing the same things in this massive bazaar—shopping, eating, watching their phones. No one paid attention to us three at all, and in a strange way, it was freeing to become invisible and blend with the masses.
And now I need to separate myself from my temporary protectors, even for a moment.
“Just shout if you need help,” Ben says finally.
I head for the washroom, reaching for my safe place again. Now I can’t even see its distant outline. My head is buzzing with fear, but I can’t pinpoint what is causing it. Maybe it’s the sip of darkness I drank, or the fact that I put my body in clothes that would invite trouble.
When I reach the washroom, I face two doors. Were they here before? I was so elated after the movie that I let Tanya drag me like a rag doll behind her.
Which is the right one? There is one with a circle and triangle underneath, and one with a circle and rectangle. I try to remember if there was anything about this in the book Tanya gave me, but my mind offers nothing. These shapes were never discussed in the fairy tales Koschei told us either, so I have no idea about their meaning here. Their only application in my life was basic geometry.
