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Colleen sat on the bed, staring at the yellow-patterned geometric area rug. The last time she saw Finn, he was distant and mechanical in his decision. She didn’t want to be patient anymore. If only she could convince him that they needed to be together.
“I talked to Finn last night and he was worried you wouldn’t go to San Bernardino, so he wanted me to tell you something.”
She lifted her head to Sean with curiosity. “What did he say?”
Sean frowned. “It didn’t make sense to me, but he said you would understand.”
She sat still, her pulse racing. “Tell me.”
“He said it was time to be who you were born to be.” His eyebrows pulled together. “Does that make any sense to you?”
Her heartbeat calmed down just a bit. “It makes perfect sense.” He was telling her it was time to be a queen. Finn understood what calling her a queen would mean to her. He did still care about her, and that helped a lot. Colleen had no idea what the future held, so for now, she would use her strength to focus on the present. She’d return to LA to heal her past.
CHAPTER 49
COLLEEN
Except for the rumble of the old refrigerator, the kitchen was silent as Colleen waited for her mom’s reaction to her story. Colleen had taken her time, waiting for her mom to ask questions, and most importantly, to process what had happened. It was a strange thing to articulate into words what she’d been rehearsing in her head for years. Discussing the abuse with Jalane was not the same as sitting across the table from her mother, looking into her eyes and speaking her truth.
Her mom kept her head bowed and hands folded on the table.
“Mom? Talk to me.”
In a hushed voice, she said, “I am so sorry, Colleen. I have no right to ask for your forgiveness.”
Colleen took her mom’s hands in hers. Wrapping her fingers around her mom’s, Colleen tried to reassure her.
Her mom lifted her head. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She’d been prepared for this question and decided to keep her answer as simple as possible. “Because I was a little girl and I didn’t understand. Besides, you and Dad were having a hard time.”
“Your father and I were drinking too much in those days. It’s no excuse, but it was an easy way to escape. Except we had four children.” She turned her head away. “I put you at risk and I’ll never forgive myself.”
Colleen squeezed her mom’s hands. It broke her heart to watch her suffer like this. “Mom, look at me.”
Tears spilled down her mom’s cheeks.
“I love you. You had suffered a huge loss. There was a lot going on for you and Dad. I forgive you.” Colleen gave her mom a hug and they cried together.
Her mom pulled away first, wiping her eyes. “Saoirse; that’s the name we gave her,” she said, staring straight ahead, not at Colleen. She paused for a moment and in a quiet voice said, “I was raised to believe that not wanting a baby is a sin.”
Colleen sat still, trying to understand that her mom was admitting that she hadn’t wanted another baby. Her maternal grandparents had been conservative Catholics who had disapproved of their grandchildren not attending Catholic school, disliked the fact that Catholic Masses were no longer said in Latin, and were most definitely opposed to a woman’s right to choose.
“Saoirse was unplanned. And before you lecture me,” she said with a warning glance to Colleen, “I did use birth control. I tried the pill, but the side effects were awful. So, I used a diaphragm instead.”
“Your father tried to reassure me we’d be all right. But I was worried about money and what would happen if I had postpartum depression again. I couldn’t sleep and the nausea was horrible.” She took a deep inhale. “I started to have problems early in the second trimester.” She wiped away her tears. “I was bleeding and had cramping. I was convinced I was being punished for not wanting the baby. Of course, our priest reassured me that wasn’t true, but I carried that guilt for years, never telling anyone, not even your father.”
She was stunned by her mom’s admission. “I had no idea.”
Her mother lifted her face to Colleen. “How could you? It wasn’t your responsibility to take care of me. I wasn’t paying attention and that man abused you.”
Colleen was troubled by the depth of anguish in her mother’s eyes. “Men like Dan Pike prey on little girls like me. You could only have done so much to prevent it.”
“It was still our responsibility to keep you safe.” Her mom gave a slow shake of her head. “I miss your father.”
“I miss him, too.” She couldn’t imagine how difficult it would have been to tell both her parents.
“I remember the night of the storm,” her mom said, drying her eyes. “After everyone left, I stayed up late doing the dishes. Your father told me he went to check on you because he was worried something had happened to upset you. During the next few weeks, he kept an eye on Dan and he told me he didn’t like the way Dan looked at you. Your father confronted him and told Dan he wasn’t welcome here anymore. Dan moved away not long afterwards.”
