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Gray
When I hear Jonah moving in the bedroom, I pour a finger of coffee into a mug and fill the rest with creamer like some kind of bartender for children and carry it to the bedroom. I’ve been up since four, re-alphabetizing the already alphabetized books on my shelf, taking them down and mixing them up so I can put them back in order.
“I have to leave for the courthouse in an hour…” I stop in the doorway. He’s sitting on the bed, staring out the window with unbuttoned jeans halfway up his thighs and a shirt in his hand, like he just got stuck.
It hits me all at once that I’m not the only one who can change my mind and walk away from this.
Then he turns around and smiles at me like he has from the first day we met, like he sees in me something no one else ever could, something I’ve never even imagined. “Good morning.”
I sit on the carpet by his knee and hand him the steaming mug. “Looks like you got distracted.”
He hums through a mouthful of coffee and swallows. “I realized if I got dressed, then last night would officially be over.” The morning sun dapples gold across his naked torso as he shrugs. “Nexts scare me. I live fast so they can’t catch up.” Leaning over, he sets the mug on the bedside table and meets my eyes. I’ve never seen him so unsure. “I know it’s stupid, after we’ve fucked and everything, but I’m scared. I’ve never had a boyfriend or even held hands with a guy; I don’t know how any of this works.”
I trail my finger along his thigh, above the waistband of his jeans. “And I haven’t been with someone for nine years. This was never supposed to happen again.”
On paper, none of this works—a boy and a man, the sun and the moon, things that aren’t supposed to touch. Neither of us are ready. It feels like reversing the tide, the entire polarity of the earth. But I know I’d do anything for one more day with him, even if that’s all I ever got to have.
He shifts his weight so his hip presses against my shoulder, then leans over and rests his face in my hair with a soft, helpless sound. “I don’t want to give up.”
I gather all the strength I’ve ever had, all the strength he’s found in me, and look up at him. “My friends, Victor and Ethan, are coming to visit tomorrow. You could stay here. Likehere.” I pat my bed. “And we can try this on for the weekend, see how it feels. I know Victor sounds crazy, but they’re good people. They’ll support us.”
His face lights up uncertainly. “Yeah?”
I study every detail of his luminous, sun-warmed eyes. “We’ve made it this far together. Let’s see where we can go.”
He slides off the bed and leans up to give me a quick, shy kiss. He tastes like toothpaste and coffee and smells like my body wash, his stump pressed trustingly against my arm. The simplest, most perfect thing.
Civil trials aren’t anything like the courtroom drama you see in films or TV. Both sides spend tedious months gathering information, engaging in mediation—talking, talking, and more talking. All the evidence and witness testimonies are shared in advance, or else they risk being thrown out. As one of the world’s most boring people, I thrive on the orderliness, the knowledge that attention to detail and exhaustive preparation can carry you to victory. Colson’s last-minute appointment as the new defense attorney threw me off, but each slow, methodical day in the courtroom restores my confidence.
I’m almost relaxed as I walk a witness through the ins and outs of tunnel maintenance before the trial adjourns for the weekend. Oliver looks like he could use the break, pale and exhausted in the seat next to me. He’s taking Megan away to a lake cabin for a couple of days.
At first, I don’t even notice the defense attorney stand up, not until Oliver taps my arm, concern growing on his face as Colson passes a sheaf of documents to the judge. There’s nothing I can do but watch the old man read, asking Colson questions I can’t hear. At last, he clears his throat, dragging out every word like he wants to torture me. “The defense has brought it to the attention of the court that a criminal case has been opened regarding breach of parole for Jackson Moreno, the other victim in this incident.”
Oliver makes a panicked sound, and I have to grab his shoulder to stop him from standing up.
“The defense has moved that this lawsuit be suspended until the criminal proceedings conclude.”
I’m on my feet immediately. “That’s absurd. This lawsuit has nothing to do with the criminal case.” Colson watches me with the flat, calm stare of a predator. “The defense is grasping at straws in an attempt to stall and force my client to settle.”
The judge holds up his hand. “This motion will be tabled until the court reconvenes next Tuesday.”
Fuck. Oliver would never last the months or even years of a criminal case; he’ll settle for whatever the transit company deigns to offer him. He’s so on edge I’m not sure he’ll even last the weekend now that they’ve dragged Jackson into it.
Do you work all the time because you’re scared you’ll miss something again?
I should have seen this angle coming somehow, should have pushed Oliver to explain more about Jackson Moreno and their connection. Now it’s too late.
“What are they going to do to Jackson?” Oliver runs after me into the hall as the courtroom empties. Of course he’s more worried about the other man than himself. “He was supposed to get out next week.”
I don’t tell him there’s no way it’s going to happen now. “I’m not his attorney, Oliver, but I know she’s excellent. She’ll take good care of him.”
Fluorescent lights lining the courthouse halls illuminate the dated furniture and the long slick of dirty footprints along the floor from the early winter slush outside. Oliver paces in circles, running a hand through his gingery hair. I step in front of him and put my hands on his arms. "Oliver, what happened between you and Jackson?"
His eyes widen a little, and I can feel his body stiffen. "He's not part of this lawsuit."
"The defense just made him part of it. I can't help you if I don't have all the information."
He shakes his head, more on edge than I've ever seen him. "Nothing happened. We talked and we tried to survive. That's it."
