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Twenty-Seven
Connie
Almost a week passes.A whole week where I’m aware of Malakai’s presence on the island and try my best to ignore it. I’ve no idea why he’s still here. There are no issues with his boat, Princess. He hasn’t attempted to speak to me again, or tried to fix things with Lola, who has steered well clear of him. Grandma Silva has been a little distant too. When I’ve asked her what’s wrong she just gives me a painful smile and says she misses Grandpa John.
Despite the blistering heat of another summer heatwave, I don’t spend much time on Broken Shores. It feels tainted somehow. I can’t step onto the beach without thinking of Malakai, without wishing with every part of me that he was mine. It’s killing me slowly, this feeling of loss. He’s here and yet he may as well be a million miles away.
Some days I swear I can feel his eyes on me, burning my skin, setting it alight. Of course, it’s only my imagination getting the better of me. He made his point and he’s stuck to it. Insignificant to his existence that I am. Good for one thing only, his blessed relief and more heartache for me.
Despite that, my awareness of him hasn’t faltered. When I work in The Shack with Lola, I find my gaze drawn to his boat moored in the harbour. It’s a beacon that keeps beckoning me closer, but I refuse to be drawn in. Not when I catch glimpses of him on the deck, sun ripped and godlike. Not when I hear the deep rumble of his voice as he talks with Grant in the boat shop on the odd occasion I might pass by. Not when I dream of him touching me and wake up feeling achy and bereft. Not when every single part of me wants to run to him even though I know he’ll only push me away. I refuse to be the one to slit open her wrists and bleed again.
This is no existence. Something has to give.
Shoving thoughts of Malakai far into the recesses of my heart, I take my frustrations out on the washing up. I’m doing a good job at getting most of the soap suds all over my white t-shirt and floor rather than the actual dishes themselves. When the plate I’m holding slips from between my fingers and crashes to the floor, smashing on impact, I exhale loudly feeling my frustrations getting the better of me.
“Hey, Connie, do you want to tell me what’s up?” Lola asks me, as she traverses the counter and pops more dirty dishes on the side ready for me to wash then bends down to clear up the broken plate. Even though Malakai hasn’t attempted to speak to her, to apologise, she appears to have gotten over her initial fury and settled into ignoring his existence instead.
“I’m not sure… I’m probably coming on,” I retort with a wry grin, as I try to hide my true feelings. This isn’t about my period, though it is something just as painful.
“Does this have something to do with a handsome man who’s been loitering around this place like a lovesick puppy, by any chance?”
My head whips around to face her and tumbled thoughts spin in my head. How does she know about Malakai? When I meet her gaze and notice the broad grin spreading across her face, I know she’s got it all wrong.
“Peter?” she prompts, rolling her eyes and lowering her voice a little so the few remaining fishermen can’t overhear.
“Yes, Peter,” I lie.
“What’s up? He’s a good lad and he’s certainly taken a shining to you.”
“He wants me to go to Canterbury with him for a short trip, maybe meet up with my friends…”
“And the problem is?”
“The problem is that I’ve not stepped off this island for more than eight years.”
“Because you don’t want to or are afraid to?”
“A little of both. Mum and Dad died in a car crash on the mainland. I just… I feel safe here and honestly I’ve never had any desire to leave. I love living here.”
Lola drops the dish towel she’s holding and turns me to face her. She squeezes my shoulders, dropping her head to meet my gaze. “I get that. I understand. I love it here too. If you’re not comfortable leaving then don’t feel obligated to do anything. If Peter is a true friend, he’ll understand.”
“But Iwantto go…” I admit, though it isn’t for the reasons Lola assumes. This past week has been the hardest I’ve had to endure. Being on the island with Malakai and not having him the way I want is torture. Peter has been a good friend. He’s backed off romantically and has kept me sane, and now he’s offered me a means of escape, even if it’s just for a couple days.
“Then do it. The hardest part will be getting on that ferry, once it pulls away you’ll have no choice but to stay put unless you fancy swimming back home and I wouldn’t recommend that, it’s quite a distance.” She smiles warmly, then starts drying the dishes.
“I guess…” Thing is Lola’s wrong. The hardest part will be knowing that despite my antics, Malakai won’t be affected by my absence even though I really, really want him to be. This is a test. This is a stupid, foolish test, I know that, but a tiny part of me hopes that where I go, Malakai will follow. This time.
“When are you going?” Lola asks.
“This afternoon?” My answer comes out as a question because of course this is my job, and I really should’ve given her more notice than a couple hours.
“Done. Rob can help me out if I get bogged down. He’s handing over more responsibility to his crew and taking more time off to spend with me anyway.” She smiles broadly, a flush heating her cheeks.
“You really care about him, don’t you?”
“I do. I wasn’t expecting to fall in love, Connie… It’s just.”
“What’s wrong?” I ask, as she pauses, taking a deep breath.
