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She’s too far gone to notice me slipping out of the room. Hopefully, with me out of her sight, she’ll calm down.
This is on me.
I ignore my brothers as I walk down the stairs and out of the bar, fearing if they see the look in my eyes, they’ll see all my failures. Over in the main house, I shut myself in the bedroom just to get my bearings. Taking a seat at the end of the bed, I hang my head in my hands and take a shaky breath. How has JJ been coping? He’s been trying to look after her and still be here for us at the club. He must be running on adrenaline, having next to no sleep.
Alannah steps inside the room and settles in next to me.
“You okay?”
How do I even begin to answer? A stray tear rolls down my cheek, and I don’t bother wiping it away. I can’t remember the last time I shed a tear, but for the life of me, I have no control over it now.
“Cas?”
My daughter is afraid of me, and now my old lady is worried. This isn’t right.
“Harper’s unrecognisable, babe. I’m the one she’s scared of. I had to go get her last night because she trashed their house, refusing to leave with JJ. You should’ve seen her, Lana. She was rambling on about me not staying dead. She thinks if I touch her, death will get inside her.”
A part of me can understand. As a kid, I saw death on the streets all the time. When I patched into the club, death—though already a normal part of life—became a survival tactic. It’s been “kill or be killed” for so long, I can’t imagine it any other way. Taking life means nothing to me, as I’m literally surrounded by it.
“She’s not well, Cas. She doesn’t know what she’s saying.”
“You didn’t see her. I could feel the coldness in her eyes creeping through me. She’s been spiralling for months, and none of us fucking knew.”
“She didn’t want us to, and JJ thought he had a grip on it.”
I shouldn’t be surprised she already knew what was going on.
“Ishould’ve known. The last time I stopped by, I should’ve kicked down the door. I heard her inside, ignoring me, but instead of pushing, I walked away.”
“Cas, you couldn’t have known. There’s no point in going over what you could’ve done. Nothing can be changed.”
I don’t agree. When I lose brothers, I wonder what we could’ve done differently for them to still be here with us. When people are taken, I wonder the same.
“I failed her, Lana. And do you wanna know the worst thing about it?”
“What’s that?”
“After I got shot, when I was on the way to the hospital, I was telling Sparky to relay certain messages to you and the boys, but I had nothing to say to Harper.Nothing. When I was ill, and we went up to Mercy to bring her home, she told me she feared getting to know me, only to have me to die. She didn’t want to feel the pain when she’d spent her life not worrying because she didn’t have a dad.”
Closing my eyes, I massage my temples to relieve the building tension, while Alannah rubs my back.
“Our sons are strong. I’ve been watching them both closely, and they’re everything and more I hoped they’d be. I’ve given nearly my whole life to this club, and I’d die for any one of my brothers, for you, for our family, but I’m missing shit that isn’t sitting right with me. I missed the first twenty-five years of Harper’s life, and now that she’s pregnant and battling her own mind, I can’t miss any more time with her.”
She stops rubbing my back and asks, “What are you trying to say, Cas?”
“I’m not getting any younger, babe, and I finally see that I can’t have it all. Maybe it’s time I take a step back and hand the gavel to Leo.”
Her gasp is like a gunshot to my ears.
“Is that what you really want?”
“I have no fucking idea,” I admit, sighing. “But I’m thinking about it more and more lately—even more so since last night. It was always going to be the natural order of Leo taking over.”
“Yeah, but I always pictured you old and grey.”
“I am old and grey.”
“Oh, please. You’re not that old, and you’ve got hardly any grey.”
