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“Great. That sounds so much better,” he said with a grin. He knew Elise and Kane were trying to clean up their language, and he had a feeling that meant they were trying for a baby.
Kane laughed. “I’m right, though, and you know it. Have you figured out your problem yet?”
When Rafe didn’t answer him, he continued. “All right, I’ll just tell you what your damn problem is. You fell in love.”
“What?” Rafe’s head shot up and he met his friend’s unyielding gaze.
“I see. You haven’t figured it out yet, have you? Well, turtle head, let me break it down for you. That ache in your chest when you’re not with her? The tightness in your breath when you think about her and wonder what she’s doing? The way you want to hold her forever? The way you’d do anything to fix things for her when she’s hurting? The way you want to put a smile on her face and you’d sell your soul to hear the sound of her laugh? That’s love, monkey brain.”
Rafe shook his head at his friend. Much as he wanted to laugh at the language coming out of Kane’s mouth, he couldn’t. Because what he was saying struck him too hard. He didn’t—couldn’t—love Ashlyn. He didn’t want to. He wanted to be free. To be able to date whoever he wanted. To play the field and ... Even as he thought it, he knew it wasn’t true anymore. The only woman to flash through his mind when he thought of his future—of sex, of dating, even of holding hands and freaking snuggling—that was all Ashlyn. Only Ashlyn.
“Your game’s not gonna get better if you find the right combination of steps out of the dugout or the right socks to wear. It’s only going to get better when you get yourself back in balance. When you get your heart and your head back on straight. And Ashlyn is the only way you’re gonna do that. You need to get her back, man,” Kane said as he stood.
“I don’t think I can, Kane.” Rafe scrubbed his hands over his face. He’d screwed up big time with Ashlyn. The image of her face as she’d stood on his front steps and told him, even without saying the words, how much she loved him tore at his heart. “I think I blew it with her.”
Kane shrugged. “Maybe. But, you haven’t groveled yet. It’s never over until you grovel. Don’t ever forget that, man. You’re gonna need to learn that lesson and learn it good. When in doubt, grovel.”
“Is that what you do with Elise?” Rafe asked, a wry grin on his face.
“Oh, heck yeah. You know it,” Kane said then let himself out, leaving Rafe on the couch, head in his hands as Kane’s words echoed in his mind.
Chapter Thirteen
Rafe spent the night tossing and turning, trying to deny Kane’s accusations. He didn’t love Ashlyn. He couldn’t. That wasn't where he was at in life. It wasn’t what he wanted.
But, images of Ash flew through his brain unbidden and unwanted. The way her eyes flashed with light when she laughed. The way she felt snuggled up against him as they slept. What it was like to fall asleep with her and wake up the next day to find she was still there.
She was so different from the other women he’d dated. Even his college girlfriend. She had wanted to change Rafe. Ashlyn never asked him to change. She loved him for who he was. She hadn’t told him that, but he knew anyhow, and knew what a gift it was. She didn’t see him as some overgrown boy who should give up playing the game he loved. She didn’t see him as her ticket to publicity or fame or wealth. She just wanted him.
When he finally did fall asleep, he dreamed of things he still wanted to do with her. He dreamed they were out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. He’d sent her to the bathroom to remove her panties and when she returned and dropped them in his lap, he ordered her to masturbate silently under the table as the waiter served their meals.
Christ, it was only a dream, but he woke hard as steel, broken out in a sweat. And, he didn’t even want to acknowledge the other thoughts vying for attention in the corner of his mind—thoughts of Ash moving in with him, becoming his wife, having his children. They were not things that he wanted to think about, not yet. He wasn’t ready for any of that.
Only, in the hard light of day, he had to face reality. He might not be ready for that, but damned if he didn’t want it. And want it bad. With Ashlyn.
By the time he gave up fighting with himself and realized he had to get her back, it was already close to one o’clock. He was due at the ball field at one thirty, but when he got in his car, he turned away from the field, heading instead toward Ashlyn’s home. He had to find a way to convince her he was worthy of her forgiveness, apologize for pushing her away without even saying goodbye.
He didn’t know what he would do or say when he got there. Half of him wondered if she had already found another guy to replace him now that she wasn't afraid to speak up about what she wanted in the bedroom. But, no, he’d seen the look on her face when she came to tell him what a coward he was. She’d been hurting. A lot. And, he’d done that.
Hell, if he’d driven her to someone else with that pain, he’d ... well, he didn’t have a clue what he’d do. He’d like to think he’d be man enough to wish her well and walk away if she was happy with someone else.
His hands gripped the wheel, knuckles white. Oh, hell no. He could no more walk away from her than he could walk away from baseball. He glanced at the clock on his dashboard. One twenty five.
Yup, he was screwed with his coach. He’d be groveling to play tonight right after he finished groveling with Ashlyn, but if he got her back, that wouldn’t matter. If he didn’t get her back ... well, not a whole lot would matter if that happened.
She answered the door wearing shorts and a Strikers’ t-shirt, hair tied up in a knot on top of her head. Rafe felt the urge to drop to his knees right there, but she stepped back. He didn’t know if it was in shock or invitation, so he pressed his luck and stepped into the small apartment.
The words he wanted to say caught in his throat at the sight of her, and he reached out a hand to her. She moved away, not letting him touch her. He deserved that.
“I’m such an idiot, Ashlyn,” he started and hated the wary look in her eyes. “I thought I had to push you away. I realized how much I was falling for you and I just freaked, completely and totally freaked. I thought it would somehow make me weak, or ruin what I was, what I wanted, if I let myself love you. But, I’m nothing without you and your love.”
She stayed silent, watching him, and now he did fall to his knees. Because he knew, this was it. It was now or never, and he needed her. He needed to find a way to show her what she meant to him. Rafe took her hands in his and bowed his head, searching for the words to tell her how much he needed her, how much he loved her.
When he looked up, she was watching him, so guarded. His little schoolteacher, his wild thing, just looked broken.
“I need you, Ash. Not to play. Not to win. Not for the game. I need you to live, to love, to have any kind of a life. I needyou, not your pregame kiss.”
“You’re late for practice,” she said, and Rafe knew it was over. She was finished with him. His head fell forward and he drew her to him, wanting to hold her one last time. His head against her stomach, he held her tight. He wasn’t sure he was breathing as he tried to bring himself to walk away. How could he ever walk away from her again? How could he live without her if she told him he had to go?
