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Erica and Dani’s journey to the lake had involved an overnight stay that hadn’t ventured too far from a Bangkok bar. It had saved them paying for a hotel. Sarah would probably have done the same as a student. She’d shuddered as they’d retold their clubbing through to dawn, as she imagined would be the case for Abi and Reece’s future adventures. The two young women had travelled together from Manchester and judging by their conversation and interests, they weren’t likely to be into politics. Sarah smiled inwardly. It was nice being around people who weren’t consumed by the state of the nation or strongly opinionated as to how that state should be changed.
“There’s no beach here,” Nadia said.
The two friends looked at each other, raised their eyebrows, and Erica shook her head. “No beach? I thought you said there was a beach.”
“Maybe you were thinking of Koh Samui,” Nadia said and smiled at Sarah. “It’s east of here.” She pointed roughly in the direction they’d just come. “A lot of tourists visit for its beaches and the nightlife.”
Sarah had heard of it. It sounded like the Thai equivalent to the Costa del wherever in Spain, a common destination choice for Brits abroad whose primary objective was to drink their way into oblivion for a week, often without any regard for anyone else. Kendra would call them oiks or scumbags. Warmth spread across her chest as she recalled Kendra complaining about the people who dropped litter. In any event, Sarah wasn’t drawn to such touristy locations for obvious reasons. The last thing she needed was to be challenged or threatened by an oik.
She held her hand over the side of the boat and enjoyed the cool water running through her fingers. The tension had eased in her shoulders, and her eyes were weighted by the tiredness that came from much more than thirty-six hours of travel. The two younger women were now close to an argument about whether they should’ve gone to Koh Samui, and that they shouldn’t have just stuck a pin in the map. Sarah closed her eyes and sighed. If she could have booked the whole bloody camp to herself, she would have.
She opened her eyes when the boat hit something and breathed a sigh as she registered that the boat was being moored. Her heart thundered as she stepped onto the wooden jetty with her case. She looked around for Kendra, her throat dry and her stomach tight, and was a little relieved when she couldn’t see her.
The drop from the jetty and along the front of the huts was about two feet to the water’s edge and some two metres down to the bed of the lake. The clear water looked inviting. At the end of the jetty, she walked through a large open-sided hut filled with tables and chairs and was greeted by a woman called Kim Cheng who issued them each a hut number. A wooden pontoon linked each of the huts, four on either side of the restaurant, and another shorter pontoon attached the whole structure to a small area of grassland and dry dirt. The camp was smaller than she’d envisaged. The sinking feeling reflected her thoughts that time alone wasn’t going to be easy.
The delightful aromas emanating from an area to the side of the restaurant called to her. Her stomach rumbled in response. Within the burnt grassland area was another bamboo construction of approximately five metres in width, with a door and two windows. Wooden stumps positioned in a semi-circle around a firepit in the dirt acted as seats, and there was a carved and painted sign pointing to toilets up a steep slope into the jungle. It looked a lot more basic than she’d imagined, and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d been on a trip that hadn’t afforded her more privacy. She looked towards the longtail boat and considered getting back on it and heading home. But she hadn’t come all this way to back off before speaking to Kendra. She had to know whether there was a chance for them to build something together.You have to do this.
Towering behind the buildings and enveloping the whole space were tall tube-like plants with long sword-shaped, dark leaves. Green bananas hung in bunches of more than sixty. On both sides, palm trees afforded some shade. Birdsong boomed a serenade, along with unfamiliar rustling noises. Reminded loosely of one of the eco-projects she’d worked on while in her first year at uni, she smiled. This was different though. It was indeed, at first glance, a kind of paradise. She turned and admired the view over the lake, the harmony, and wonder of nature. She turned back and locked eyes with Kendra. Caught off-guard, her heart tried to break through her chest. She clenched her hands to stem the trembling and tried to focus through the lightheadedness that threatened to topple her. Kendra looked stunning.
“Hi,” she said, her voice broken.
24.
KENDRA WIDENED HER EYESand opened and closed her mouth, but she couldn’t find the words. She blinked to be sure she wasn’t hallucinating. This wasn’t happening.No. No.Her focus narrowed, tenderness spread from beneath her ribs, and then her chest tightened around it.
She’d started the New Year with a clear resolution to not think about Sarah, after months of soul-searching and taking out her anger by working harder, and she’d been doing well. Sarah hadn’t even appeared in her dreams since the end of January, even though she’d still wondered occasionally what Sarah would think of this project or of that view.
She stared at her, and the feeling she’d always had around Sarah returned as if nothing bad had happened between them. Her stomach flipped, and her heart raced, but then the memory of being forced to sign the contract in Sarah’s office warned her to not get sucked into the past no matter how good it had been. She curled her fingers and bit the inside of her cheek as the voice in her head reminded her it had been Sarah who had fired her.
“I had to see you,” Sarah said. She clasped her hands in front of her body and avoided Kendra’s gaze.
Kendra shook her head and turned away. The softness in Sarah’s tone, and the kind of passivity Kendra had only ever experienced with Sarah when they were together as lovers effortlessly breached Kendra’s defences. Sarah couldn’t do this to her, and Kendra couldn’t admit to still loving Sarah when they had no future. She paced the boards with her hands on her hips, smiled and welcomed the other women as they made their way to their huts, then glared at Sarah. “Why are you here?” she asked through gritted teeth, although it didn’t stop that delicious feeling covering her, reaching into her, and softening the tension and frustration. She cursed her heart for opening and closed her eyes to stop the effect Sarah was having on her. It didn’t work. She stared at Sarah and recalled the most intimate moments they had shared, the softness and affection, the thing she knew deep down inside, that they had a connection that was stronger than the grief Kendra had been through. But would that ever be enough?
“I have to be honest about how I feel. I had to tell you—”
“Don’t.” Kendra held up her hand. She didn’t want to hear words of apology that would completely dissolve the thin veil of her resistance. Sarah couldn’t come back here now and undo all the good work Kendra had done with Malee to make herself strong again. Who was she trying to fool?
Sarah continued to stare at her. She was even more beautiful with her hair cut a little shorter, and Kendra wanted to run her fingers through it and kiss her soft mouth. She tried to shake off the desire, and it grew stronger. It told of the ache that had never gone away, and the gentle glow in her chest that had pined for Sarah despite everything, sparked a little brighter. The levelling inner voice, being pragmatic and doing its best to support her, struck a counterblow to her heart and turned her away from the source of the pain.
“I missed you, Kenny,” Sarah whispered.
Kendra closed her eyes tightly and shook her head. “You can’t do this to me. Not again.”
“I need to talk to you. Properly.”
Kendra checked to see if anyone was watching them. She picked up Sarah’s case. “Which hut are you in?” The irritation in her voice belied the longing in her heart.
“Next to the one on the end,” Sarah said.
Of course she is.Kendra led Sarah down the pontoon and into the hut next to her own.
Sarah stepped towards her, and she backed into the corner of the room. She didn’t trust herself to turn Sarah down, but she couldn’t let her in. Not here, not now. It was too soon, even though she wanted to be held and to express the desire she’d suppressed and then denied in her attempts to forget Sarah. “Don’t,” she said and hoped Sarah hadn’t picked up on her hesitation or the insecurity in her tone. That damned voice in her head had a dig at her heart again. She was beginning to get pissed off with it but also conflicted by the truth it spelled out in simple words.I can’t trust her.
Sarah stood in the centre of the room. “I need to explain.”
“What? Like sacking me was nothing to do with you. Don’t waste your breath. I know how it works, Sarah. Politicians have spin doctors, so they don’t have to get their hands dirty. How’s your conscience these days?” Kendra clenched her jaw and hugged herself. Her mind approved of her saying her piece, but the ache behind her ribs expanded, and she felt the negative energy seep from her.
“My conscience isn’t doing great, Kenny,” Sarah said quietly. She lowered her head. “I take full responsibility for what happened to you, but it wasn’t what I wanted.”
