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Hello,
I turned in the above writing to Mrs. Paulson as a part of our daily journal exercise. I thought that she might help Kit Cat and find out about this asshole kid bothering her, but she didn’t. Anyway, I don’t think I’ll do that again though because she just agreed with my dad and said these things take time. And then she was extra nice and told me I didn’t have to worry about my homework for the rest of the week because I had “so much going on.” What that really meant was that she felt sorry for me. Adults do that all the time. Instead of saying what you want them to say, they offer up pity instead. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. That’s the last thing I need. Because boys like Adam Lancaster, who bother little girls, feed off pity, and then they use it to their advantage.
Sometimes, I think I’m two different people. There is the one teachers see. And the one who arranges bullies even bigger than the shithead who is messing with my sister to put the Adam Lancaster’s of the world in their place.
I tried to talk to my dad about this today… mostly because I needed to know the legal implications of arranging such a thing, and I knew he would know… but as usual, his phone rang and he pulled the car over and stepped out to take the call because “this is important.”
Maybe this is why my mom stopped trying.
JSC
Hi,
I decided to say hi instead of hello today. I’m not sure why, and maybe this sounds weird, but I feel like we are getting to know one another and maybe hello is a little too formal. It’s kind of like this girl at school named Sophie who I kind of sort of like. Every day I saw her, but never said anything. Whenever she looked my way, I just looked away. And then one day, I said hello and she said hello. And it went on and on like this for a while until ‘hellos’ were no longer needed, and we just started talking without all of the formalities. Sometimes, it’s nice to get right down to it. And I can do that with her, which I like. It’s nice to have a friend. Sophie’s parents are divorced, and I always want to tell her she’s not alone even though she doesn’t seem to feel sad about it.
Anyway, I don’t want to put too much pressure on you as a reader or anything, but it feels like maybe you are starting to understand where I am coming from. Or maybe I am starting to understand myself. This is one reason I began writing in this journal. My mom gave it to me back in the old days when I had no use for it. When she was herself. And, anyway, now everything is different, and I wanted to write about stuff that I didn’t want my teachers to see. Because, you know, there’s the pity thing. And it’s kind of embarrassing to share your thoughts with everyone. Because sometimes they’ll use those thoughts against you. But that is a story for another time. For now, this is just for me and I guess for you, too. Even though I don’t know who you are.
But then again, I guess you don’t really know me either.
JSC
Jess closed the notebook. “Myles…”
He looked her way and waited.
“Did the doctor say what the quickest way to detox was? Basically, what I mean is how long is this going to take?”
He studied her face. “The first week or two is pretty rough I hear… and I’m not sure this is something you should rush.” He looked back at the road before continuing. “No worries, though. The doc will be seeing you a little later today and you can ask him yourself.”
Jess exhaled. “Good. Because I really, really need to get back home.”
Chapter Seventeen
Jess and Myles arrived at the beach cottage shortly before sunset. To Jessica, it hadn’t changed much even though she considered it had been more than a year since she’d been there. Despite the fact she had zero energy, a part of her wanted to run for the water, to let all of the heaviness go, to swim in the ocean, feelings which driving up to the cottage had evoked since she was a kid. But having not had any of her medication other than alcohol within the past twelve hours, and with her son’s words settling in her bones, she found herself feeling rather terrible and wishing that they’d picked some other place to take her.
As Myles unloaded their things and took them inside, Jess walked the length of the front of the old blue cottage. The small, secluded compound had been in her family for three generations and was now hers given that the rest of them had deemed it too small and too much work, and thus, had purchased their own newer, updated, and more expansive versions of the place. But Jess had always appreciated the charm and the quaintness of the old house. With its shuttered windows, wrap around porch, and stone fireplaces, she always thought it belonged somewhere on Nantucket instead of the shores of the Texas Coast.
She ran her hands along the banister, then took a seat on the porch swing and settled in. This is where she would get better. This is where she would find herself again. She inhaled deeply and breathed in the salt and the sand and the cool early summer breeze coming off the water. She sat that way, in the stillness, for a long while until Myles interrupted her reverie by suggesting that they take a walk down to the water.
Though all she really felt like doing was to sit, Jess stood and followed. Myles was technically a guest and her mother had always told her not to be rude to guests. She pondered all of the things her mother had taught her over the years and wondered how many of them still served her and yet, as she caught his eye, she knew she had to go. Myles smiled at her then as though he could see right through her, reading and deciphering each and every thought she had. He waited for her to catch up and he took her hand and slid it into his. They walked in silence for some time before he spoke. “This place is beautiful. And I just want you to know that I’m happy to be here. Not because you’re paying me, which is something we need to discuss, actually. But for now, I want you to know that I would do this for free.” He grinned. “I like you that much.”
Jess sighed. “Then why ruin it by bringing up your ex-wife in the car?”
Myles stopped abruptly and sat down in the sand, carefully pulling Jess down beside him. He studied her face and spoke slowly. “I’m not sure why that bothered you so much… but if you’re willing to tell me, I’m willing to listen.”
She wanted to be obtuse but couldn’t help but notice the gentle way his eyes searched hers as he spoke, so she relented instead and relaxed into the conversation before letting it all spill out. “I don’t know… I guess it’s just that you really haven’t told me much about yourself… other than not to ask any questions… and everything in my own life is so mixed up right now… that you seem to be the only constant… and then you go and dump that on me without warning. I just wasn’t expecting it... that’s all.”
“You’re right. And I’m sorry. It’s been a very long time since I’ve shown any sort of real emotion to anyone, and I guess I’m still a little rusty about how it all works…”
Jess looked out over the water, picked up a handful of sand, and let it fall through her fingers. “I really feel like shit.”
Myles cleared his throat. “It’s going to be this way for a little while, but it’ll get better.”
“I know. I guess I just hadn’t expected to feel so raw. Without the drugs, I mean. It’s as though all of my armor has been stripped away and here I am.”
He smiled. “Yeah. That’s exactly what it’s like.”
Jess turned to look at him, her brow narrowed. “What do you mean?”
