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It’s fine if he drops by, I say. It is his house, after all.
It isn’t until after we hang up that I realize his visit will mean missing Ann’s dinner party, and that I’ll have to reach out and let her know. Truthfully, I’m not sure she wants to see me anyway. We haven’t spoken since she walked out, and I didn’t want to be the first person to break the silence. So, Ethan’s call is timely. I’m not ready to face her, and now I have the perfect excuse. One she’ll like. I can tell his name makes her crazy.
If only she knew what a big fan he is.
When I text her, she rings me back immediately. “Call him back,” she tells me before I’ve even had a chance to say hello. “Do not change your plans for him.”
The way she says it, the way she speaks, it is as though nothing has happened between us. Partly, this is a welcome relief, like salve to a burn. Grace incarnate. Actually, hearing her voice feels like the first time I can truly breathe in days. I need her. And here she is, offended on my behalf and offering advice. This means that she still cares, and if she still cares, there is hope. “If I do that—he’ll come by when I’m not there.”
“So?”
“So, I want to see him.”
Her voice lowers. “This is what you do. Are you listening?”
“I’m listening.”
“Turn off the automatic garage opener. Lock the dead bolt and exit through the garage.”
“Yeah, but then how will I get in?”
“Simple. Leave a window open. He won’t know that, and when he asks, just mention you had to step out. Say you’re sorry you forgot about the lock—but now that you’re living alone, you’re taking a little extra precaution.”
I can’t help but smile. Ann always thinks of everything. Life is so simple for her. The rest of us just miss the obvious. Little does she know I have claws too and I’m sharpening them by the minute. “But I want to see him.”
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“I’m sure you do. But you, Sadie, you are not the kind of woman who breaks plans for a man.”
I consider what she is saying. For a second, I think about contradicting her. I want to tell her I am exactly the kind of woman who breaks plans for a man. I am the kind of woman who revolves her whole life around said man. But I don’t say any of this. I still want to win. “You’re right.”
“Repeat after me,” she says. “I am not the kind of woman who breaks plans for a man.”
“I am not the kind of woman who breaks plans for a man.”
“Perfect,” she tells me, and I swear I hear her clap her hands in the background.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
SADIE
There are fifteen of us in attendance. Paul is out of town again; it was a last minute thing. Transplants almost always are, Ann says.
She seems disappointed, although, I can tell she’s trying not to let it show. I feel the same way. I feel myself being drawn to her bay window where I can get a glimpse down the street at my house and with any luck, at Ethan’s car.
Ann’s three-course dinner, however, does not disappoint. Everyone agrees—even me, who hardly ate any of it. I could feel Ann’s eyes on me, warning me. I was not to enjoy the butternut squash ravioli she served as an appetizer with the rosemary browned butter, not even the salad with the baby kale, Asian pear grapes, candied walnuts and gorgonzola honey vinaigrette. I pick at the lamb chops, barely. But the honey yogurt panna cotta with the blood orange sauce is totally off limits.
I am aware I am being punished. It comes in many forms. Love is wise to the wounds upon which to press. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, Ann whispers to me.
I beg to differ. But then, it’s been a long time since I could pass for what’s considered skinny.
Eventually I can’t take it anymore, so I excuse myself to use the powder room. I check my phone for any missed messages. Naturally, there aren’t any. So, I have to give myself a bit of a pep talk before going back out to the party. I pop an extra Ativan to see me through.
As I round the corner, toward the kitchen, I run into Amy. Literally. The hall is dark, and I’m not expecting her to be there. She knocks the wind out of me, forcing an audible gasp. She reaches out and grabs my forearm to steady me. “Sorry,” she whispers. “Are you okay? I thought you saw me.”
“I’m fine,” I say rubbing the spot where our heads bumped. I scoot to the side to allow her room to pass, but she doesn’t move. “Actually,” she tells me, her voice strained, “I was looking for you.”
“Well, you found me.”
