AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Picking me up by my ass, he brought our chests back together, kissing me with an intensity I hadn’t felt from him yet. I never knew if Asa held himself back at times from politeness, fear, or worry. Either way, I was glad his wild side seemed to have taken over, allowing him to plunder me like the dick-loving-slut I was.
“More, more,” I chanted, wanting him to fill me up as much as possible. His fingers tightened on my hips, and I wrapped my legs tighter, the muscles in my thighs screaming as I clung to him. Weaving my fingers through his hair, I pulled as he brought me to my peak, my orgasm crashing over me. My muscles clenched, and I squeezed him as they began to pulse, screaming out my release.
“Yes!” I wheezed, my voice gone from the loud moan that had just released.
Asa grunted, slamming into me one more time as he slumped down on the bed, his cock twitching in me. We lay there for a while, our breathing returning to normal, before he rolled over and disposed of his condom. He turned back, and I grabbed his hand, needing to say something before losing my nerve.
“I love you, Asa.”
He stopped, peering down at me, love shining in his eyes. “I love you, Fin.” He dropped down, his lips catching mine as he gave me a kiss. When he pulled back, I had tears in my eyes, and he looked at me with concern.
“What is it, Fin? Do you regret it?”
Shaking my head, I grabbed his cheeks, wanting to touch him as much as possible. “No, no, that’s not it. I’m just so happy.”
“Then why do you look like you’re saying the opposite?” he asked.
Sucking in a breath, I held it, trying to slow my heart. “I’m good. So, good. I promise. I just wanted you to know how I felt. You must remember this moment. That everything here was real. Promise me?”
“Why does it feel like you’re trying to prepare me for something?” he asked, ignoring my question.
“I’m not. I just want to remember the good times.”
“Well, there are many more to come, babe. Let’s get dressed before my sister comes and tries to ruin our fun.” Asa laughed, walking to the shower.
I watched his butt as he walked away, hoping that he would still think that when I did what I needed to do. Regardless, it was a risk I had to take.
* * *
The weightof my decision sat heavily on my shoulders, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Was I really going to do this? Could I? It felt so wrong to leave, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I needed to. Picking up the pen, I wrote the hardest letter of my life.
Dear Asa,
Selfishly, I want you not to hate me, but since I already hate myself for what I’m doing, it’s unlikely you won’t.
I have to go.
I have to right a wrong I made years ago and put that part of my past to bed. I thought I was over it, but if this past year has shown me anything, it's that trauma and bad decisions have a way of catching up to you.
The night I was taken reminded me of how reckless I can be and how I rely on the goodness of others to get me out of trouble. I can’t be that girl anymore. I won’t be that girl.
I want to feel strong when I look in the mirror, but all I see is a frightened girl who can’t figure out what she wants.
Everything in my life is going well, and on paper, it’s perfect. You’re the best boyfriend a girl could ever have. My parents are finally listening to me and being honest. My brother is happy and skating again. My best friend is back and living her life free of the men who tried to control her. And yet, inside, I feel like I don’t belong with any of you.
I’m not good, Asa.
There are so many things in my past that I regret, so many decisions I made in the pursuit of the truth, that now fill me with dread. One day, if you can forgive me, I’ll tell you about them, I promise. I’m done hiding, and that starts with facing them and, well,him.
I hope you know I love you, Asa. And I pray that this will clear my head of all the misguided and confusing thoughts that seem to live up there. I want a life with you. I know I can be happy if I get rid of the darkness surrounding me. I need to purge my sins once and for all, which points back to the man who was the first to darken me.
I wish I could say how long it will be and when I’ll be back. But the truth is, I can’t. I don’t know the answer to that. I just know that I need to do this now and to do that, I have to go off the grid.
I promise you this isn’t about Milo or Cohen. I don’t know what I feel for them, but that’s something we can talk about when I get back if you want. I know I don’t deserve any allowances made on my behalf for doing this, so if you forgive me and your decision is to not talk about them, then I’ll accept it. I just wanted you to know this wasn’t about them, and I’ll stop ignoring the conversation we need to have around it. I promise.
I’m sorry to do this after the amazing morning we shared as well. Again, I was being selfish and knowing I wanted to experience it once with you in case I never got to again. I hope you understand. I’m afraid no one else will, and Sawyer and my brother will try to come after me.
Please, I need to do this on my own. I promise to be safe, and I’ll get back in contact when I can.
