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If this is the last time I get to speak with you, I just want you to know that you were the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you, Asa, and I hope to see you again.
Love, Fin
Wiping my tears, I laid down the pen and folded the paper into three, sliding it into the envelope. It was odd how such a heartbreaking letter could fit on a single sheet of paper. My whole world was about to shatter because of a few paragraphs.
A sound in the hallway had me hurrying in my task, and I slipped the letter into my journal, picked up my phone, and pretended to be scrolling social media just as someone entered my room.
“Fin, come on, it’s time for dinner, and then we have to sing to Rhett. If we take too long, he’ll escape, and we’ll never be able to force him to sit with the party hat ever again,” my best friend said, giving me a look.
Schooling my face, I nodded, pasting a smile on it. “Sure, one sec. I just need to send a text. I don’t want Rhett to go all grumpy butt on us,” I teased, hoping the mention of her sourpuss boyfriend would distract her.
“You’re not wrong. You’re okay, though, right? You’ve been distant, and I miss you.” She walked into the room, giving me a concerned look.
“I’m great, promise.” Standing, I took a few steps toward her as I pulled up my conversation with Milo, my last chance to back out at my fingertips.
ME: Everything is set.
Milo: I’ll be there in an hour.
ME: See you then.
“Okay, let’s go.” I hooked my arm in hers, dragging her along so she wouldn’t start to investigate more. Sawyer couldn’t help it, she was a good best friend, but I didn’t need her looking into anything too deeply if I wanted this to work.
And Ineededthis to work.
Two
FINLEY
Everyone laughedand celebrated as Rhett blew out his candles. The big grump had a smile on his face despite wearing a paper hat, and I knew I’d never seen him happier than here at his Granny’s house that he’d inherited. The house was magnificent, and the ocean was literally right outside the back door. It was paradise.
So why did I feel like crying? It only reminded me how happy I should’ve been but wasn’t. All I could think about was how miserable I was, cementing my decision to leave. It was now or never. I couldn’t keep living a half-life where I pretended to be “perfect Fin” any longer.
Asa placed his arm around me, knocking me out of my thoughts as he drew me close, and I forced a smile. He was what real happiness looked like. I only wished I could feel as happy as he did. He’d been the absolute best after I’d been kidnapped by the Council. He’d been caring, patient, and understanding of my mood swings. I knew my silence was hard on him, yet he’d given me time to figure it out at my pace. The worst part was I wished he hadn’t been so nice about it because then I wouldn’t feel as guilty for pushing him away.
But I’d fallen in love with him for a reason, and now I was punishing him for his eternal sunshine. It wasn’t fair, and I knew it. He deserved better from me. Except now, I was going to ask him not to hate me for leaving.
It might sound irrational, but I couldn’t get past the trauma. I hated that I flinched every time someone knocked on the door or came in with a “you’ll never believe this?” I hated that I constantly thought about boys I shouldn’t. The guilt had built to an oppressive weight, and I was suffocating. Every day, I walked along a perpetual ledge, constantly re-balancing as I waited for the other shoe to drop, knowing it was just around the corner. Because it was always around the corner.
Funny how shoes were what had gotten me into this mess in the first place.
Asa handed me a plate, and I pasted on a smile. I looked around at our friends and family gathered, trying to soak in their happiness like a leech.
My best friend, Asa’s twin sister, was surrounded by her seven boyfriends, one of which was my brother, Henry. They stared back at her with love in their eyes, and despite everything they’d gone through last fall with the Council, they were all stronger than ever. If anything, it had brought them all closer.
I couldn’t say the same for myself. I’d been kidnapped, drugged, and put up for auction by the Council due to my own stupid mistakes. Sleep evaded me, and nightmares of the past and present played on an unrelenting loop, adding to my constant state of awareness. My secrets were catching up with me, and I couldn’t hold them off any longer.
How Asa was still with me, I didn’t know. How anyone had put up with my sour moods and distance only proved how much better they all were than me. They’d all rallied, but I was failing miserably. Once again.
The simple truth was, I didn’t belong.
Not with the things I’d done. Not with my past. I hated that the sins of my youth were now destroying my future. It turned out that burying things wasn’t a healthy way to cope. Shoving some cake into my mouth, I knew what I needed to do. It only confirmed that my decision was right.
I couldn’t stay.
This trip had been the last push I needed to convince myself things had to change. In order to live the life I wanted, to feel happy… I had to make right the damage I created when I was seventeen.
I had to facehim.
