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Judging from how much laughter there is about it, those mishaps have turned into funny stories that they look back on fondly, and that’s good to see.
Knox pours more booze, and we take the shots. The second round goes down even more smoothly than the first, and Gage moves into a story about how they almost blew a stakeout of a rival club because a dog wouldn’t stop barking at Priest.
“That wasn’t my fault,” Priest points out. “Animals just don’t like me.”
“Except for Harley,” I tell him. “Harley acts like you invented bacon just for him or something.”
“Yeah, this dog did not share that sentiment,” Ash says. “It was barking like it wanted to leap over the dumpster it was hiding behind and try to tear Priest’s throat out. The hilarious part is the dog was probably just a little bigger than a football.”
“It was not that small!” Priest insists, taking another shot when Knox pours it.
“It was!” Knox yells, sloshing whiskey around in the bottle. “It really was.”
I can feel the alcohol making me tipsy, making my face feel a little bit numb and my insides go a little tingly. It’s a nice feeling, drinking for the fun of it with people I like, instead of trying to drown my sorrows in a bottle or something.
I look around the kitchen, and something shifts inside my chest. I can’t really deny it anymore. I’m falling for these men. I’m falling in love with them, as terrifying as that is. Even knowing I had feelings for them and wanted to stay with them, I’ve been avoiding thinking the ‘L’ word. It’s just such a big thing. One of those things you can’t just say and then take back. Even thinking it feels like a commitment, and it’s not something I have any fucking experience with at all.
For so long the only thing I loved was the memory of my sister. That was all that kept me going. All I had to hold on to. I had Hannah’s picture, the list of names on the back, and the memories of her that kept me moving forward, trying to get to the end of my mission so I could finally lay things to rest.
But things are so different now. So much better, as scary as that is to admit. Instead of having almost nothing, I have four men who have made a place in my heart.
When I was focused on that list, I never really thought into the future. I didn’t see the point of it. What good was thinking about what would come next when I knew I’d be going it alone?
Now I feel like I can actually see a future.
I can see the possibilities ahead for me and these men, so many things I never even considered before. Nights like this, drinking and joking around. Fucking shit up together. Fucking each other. Learning more about them and letting them learn more about me. Not being afraid that what they find out will make them push me away.
I want all of that with them.
“Oh my god,” Ash groans, putting a hand over his face as he laughs. “I forgot about that. Gage was always so in control, and he completely fucked that up.”
They all laugh, and I find myself smiling softly.
Maybe I can have what I want. Maybe that future can really be ours.
For the first time in what feels like a long time, I let myself do something that feels more wild and dangerous than anything else I’ve ever done.
I let myself hope.
