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“Well, you better hurry up and tell me because I’m not leaving here until you do.” I rest my arms on his bed next to him and lean my chin on them, looking up at him.
He gasps and shock registers on his face as tears start to pour out as if the weight of everything came crashing down in an unexpected and involuntary movement.
My heart breaks. “Cal,” I say.
“Fucking damn it. Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he says as the tears that drench his lips sputter. His face is red because he’s trying so hard to suppress his emotions but he can’t. He seems to realize this because he gives up on trying and lets himself go, giving in to his emotions and as I watch him fall apart, I can’t help but jump to my feet to grab him into a hug which I’m not sure he even recognizes as I hold his shaking body.
“It’s okay, it’s okay.” I squeeze him and he shrugs out of my hold now.
“No, it’s not okay. I can’t stand the pain anymore. It’ll never be okay,” he says. “I’ll never get rid of his fucking face in my head and I won’t ever feel normal again, clean again. I’ll never just be able to exist without feeling him resting against me again.”
I’m shocked but I try not to show it. I don’t say anything because I don’t want to shock him into stopping. So I just sit there in silence, waiting for him to continue and he does.
“He raped me.” He raises his head to look at me now and I’m aware that he sees me. He says it with a need to confess it out loud, to get it off his chest, finally. And once he does, he just keeps going through his tears. “My father raped me. As a kid. Continuously.”
I can see him return to a childlike state with the trembling of his lips and I feel how betrayed he feels by the adult who was supposed to protect him, but he destroyed him instead. I’m shocked that we never knew this. I’d have never guessed it but I’m glad he finally said something.
I get up to hug him again. “I get it,” I say but he pushes me off.
Chapter 30
Calder
Idon’tlikewhatI think Axel is implying. “What the fuck do you mean by, ‘you get it?’” I ask him.
He looks at me like I’m crazy for asking him that question. “Because I do. Are you forgetting that I was also consistently raped by my trafficker?”
I rotate my shoulders in discomfort and look away from him. He comes over to me and places an arm on my shoulder. “Don’t touch me!” I yell and he backs away.
“Look, I get it. That was a huge thing for you to confess…” he starts and I lose it.
“No, you don’t fucking get it! I was a kid, he was my fucking father and I’m not like you!” I stare daggers at him.
“What the fuck do you mean by that?” he asks me as if he already knows what I’m implying but I choose to clarify it for him anyway.
“You know what I mean! I’m not fucking gay. I’m not into men. I didn’t like that shit!” I shout.
He spins around and he’s red with anger. His eyes reflect his trauma and his face fills with pain. I feel guilt hit me like a fucking ton of bricks in my fucking stomach. “And you think I liked that?! You think just because I like men, I like being fucking raped in the ass, bleeding, and being forced to have sex with them?! You think that I enjoy having no fucking control over my body and what happens to it?” He starts shaking and tears start falling down his face.
“You think I haven’t struggled with that fucking shit every time Mikhail and I have consensual sex now?! Or when anything goes close to my asshole? Do you think I don’t constantly get flashbacks that I have to force out of my head and try to remain present with the people I want to have sex with? Why do you think I fucking go to therapy?! Do you think I don’t struggle with my sexuality because of it? Thinking that I brought it on myself because I’m fucking BI! Don’t you think I’ve tried to explain it away and throw it in the same fucking box so that it wouldn’t hurt that much! But I couldn’t Calder! I couldn’t! Because it’s not the same fucking thing. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask to be stripped of my freedom, my dignity, by the man I thought was supposed to love me just because I’m fucking BI Calder. That doesn’t make any fucking sense! How dare you imply that I fucking liked it?!” he screams.
“I didn’t. I didn’t! I DIDN’T. I fucking hated every single minute of it. And the moment I fucking killed that son of a bitch was the best fucking day of my life. Don’t you ever fucking say anything like that to me again!” He breaks down.
I feel like the worst possible human being in the world and now it’s my turn to give him comfort. I wish I wasn’t hooked up to this damn fucking machine. “I’m sorry,” I say, as I try to rip the things from my arm but the machine goes off and he looks up to see me trying to get to him.
He jumps up. He’s still bawling and snot-filled when he says, “No, stop doing that.” He puts his hand on my hand to prevent me from disconnecting anything else.
“I’m sorry, Axel. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You’re right. I’m a fucking asshole.” I hold my head down and we cry together.
“Yes, you are.” He plops himself on the side of my bed and a nurse runs into the room to see what’s up with the machine.
“He fucking pulled the thing out of his fucking arm,” Axel says, pointing at me and jumping away to make sure he can show her he didn’t have anything to do with it.
“Yeah, I freaked out,” I confirm, and she’s not amused. She starts walking off after she readjusts me and I stop her. “Hey, you know what would really help?”
She turns to look at me.
“Is it possible that I can get my computer in here?” I ask her, making sure that I appear as helpless as possible. I learned from the best. Julissa, of course. “It’s just that I’m a bit of a computer nerd and it helps me relax?”
