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Haveyou ever felt like you were destined to be unhappy? Like the universe has a plan for you, and it's to make your life as miserable as humanly possible? Because I'm pretty sure the whole world is against me. Every time I find happiness, it gets ripped away from me.
I always knew Carter and I walked on a fragile line, but I didn’t expect him to hide something as important as Davi from me. Maybe I had too much trust in him. Maybe that's why this hurts so bad. I thought he was being honest with me, but like everything else in my life, that was a lie, too. A false promise made in the darkness that never had a shot in hell.
Our love was like a storm—lightning flashing across the sky. Intense and exhilarating, but uncontrollable. And when it got stronger, all it left in its path was pain and devastation.
Now I'm left once again to sit in the ashes of what's left of me, remembering why I've kept myself so guarded. Growing up, I always lived by If we never start, we can never end but it's too late for that now. We started. Oh, did we start. And just like I was afraid of, we came to a bitter end—crash and burn.
My thoughts go to Noah and how easily fooled I was by him. I should’ve known something was off in the way he was always there for me—ready and willing to do whatever I needed without question. I genuinely thought he and I were friends, but I was just a job to him.
And people wonder why I never let anyone in.
As the sun goes down, I no longer have its rays to shield me from the bitter cold. I shiver as I slip my hands inside my coat and make my way toward my dorm. Dealing with Beverly is not something I'm in the mood for tonight, but I’m not quite ready to go out via hypothermia.
I trudge up the stairs and into my room, freezing when I see Carter sitting on my bed. He looks up from his lap and directly at me, and the sadness in his eyes almost gets me to soften. Unfortunately for him, my walls went right back up the second I found out he lied to me.
"Get out," I demand, but my words lack the power they once had with him.
"Benz," he pleads.
I shake my head. "There is no Benz anymore, Carter. We’re done. Get the fuck out."
He reaches down into his backpack and pulls out his computer, along with Davi's diary, placing them on the bed next to him. My heart stutters as I spot the familiar book. While I knew Carter took it, I still had it in the back of my mind that I lost it, or that he destroyed it.
"What's in there…" He pauses, looking so grim that I’m momentarily distracted from my fury. "It's going to change you. There's no way that it won't. And I was terrified that knowing would destroy you, so I kept it from you."
I walk over and sit on my bed, far away from him.
"It's also going to ruin memories you have of Davi, and I was trying to protect that because you deserve to remember her in all the best ways," he explains. "You loved her. She was your best friend. And she made her mistakes, but she was your person."
A tear slides down my cheek, and I quickly bat it away.
Carter slides the computer and the diary toward me. "At the same time, though, I also understand that you have the right to know the truth, so here it is. But I'm going to sit right here until you're done, because like I told you before, I'm always going to be here to save you—whether you want me to be or not."
A part of me wants to tell him to leave. To kick him out and be alone with what I have left of my best friend. But a bigger part, a more important part, wants him to stay.
I grab the diary first and take a deep breath. Carter gives me a sad smile and looks away as he focuses on his phone. I open it and turn toward the back, closer to when everything went to shit. Closer to when I lost her.
Dear Diary,
He's pulling away from me. I can feel it. He never wants to be around me anymore. He would rather hang out with Jace or worse, Tyeler. I don't know what he sees in her. She's nothing special. Between her and Jace, I'm going to lose Carter. No. That can't happen. I won't allow it. I just have to get him away from them. Once it's just him and me, there will be nothing standing in our way.
Davi
Dear Diary,
I wonder if she knows what she's doing. When she smiles at him or laughs at his jokes, does she know that he's falling in love with her? I tried to call him out on it. He wouldn't admit it, but he didn't deny it either. He told me that I should see someone, and that he's never given me a reason to worry. But he has. It's like every day, there's more and more distance between us. I have to figure out how to get him to myself.
Davi
I read through each entry, each one escalating in paranoia and obsession. Then finally, she figured out her plan.
Dear Diary,
I got it! I know how I can get Carter to myself. It may sound crazy, but I'm going to tell him I’m pregnant. Carter is a stand-up guy. He won't leave me if he thinks that I'm carrying his child. I know, it's a desperate move—but I am desperate. He's going to break up with me. I can feel it. At least this way, he's still mine. And if he thinks I'm already pregnant, he won't wear a condom. Maybe then I'll actually get pregnant and get my happily ever after.
Davi
My chest hurts seeingthose words written in her own handwriting. It's a confession. She never once told me that the pregnancy wasn't real. She seemed happy and excited about having a family with Carter, and I'm slowly finding out that's just one of many things she lied to me about.
