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“Sorry to call you, ma’am. Is Luke at work today?”
“Let me check, hon.”
A minute later, her voice came back on the phone, this time with a tinge of worry to it. “He called in sick, dear. Is he okay?”
“I’m not sure, ma’am. He isn’t home. I’m gonna call him and try to find him. Thanks for your help.”
“Please let me know once you do. Also, write down my personal number so you don’t have to call the office again.”
I jotted down her and Angie’s numbers before I ended the call. Rushing back to the bedroom, I sighed in relief when my phone turned on instantly. There were a few missed calls from Luke, and I ran my palm over my face before playing the one voicemail he’d left.
“I’m sorry, Scott. I didn’t want to hide it from you, but I should’ve known better, right? Everyone has their limits. The other scars, the oneshegave me, were different. But the fact that I gave myself these makes them so much uglier, doesn't it? It makesmeugly. Don’t worry. I won’t hurt myself today.”His dry, humorless chuckle was so unlike him it brought tears to my eyes.“I’m gonna go out for a bit. I’ll move out if you want me to. As I told you in the beginning, I understand. But...I don’t think I can stop loving you. Thank you for everything.”
“You idiot. After everything I've told you, how could you believe I’d want that? How could you not know how much I love you?” I mumbled, wiping the tears away. When I found him, I’d knock some sense into that brain of his. Where could he be? Considering he wasn’t a fan of crowds, he’d probably go somewhere he was comfortable at, wouldn't he? Maybe Angie’s place? But wouldn’t she be at work?
I dialed Luke’s number as I thought, but as I’d suspected, his phone had been turned off. Sighing, I dialed Angie’s number.
“Who’s this?” Angie’s no-nonsense voice answered after a few rings.
“Angie, this is Scott. Do you know where Luke is?”
“He isn’t home?” The worry in her voice was immediate and apparent.
“No, do you know where he could be? He wasn’t in the mood for company.”
“When is he ever?” Angie tried to joke, but the worry was clear in her voice. “Um, let me think. He wouldn’t go to mine or Mama D’s house because we’re both at work, wouldn’t have gone to the charity because there are too many people...Oh! There’s this old park near the theaters. We found it when we’d been driving around looking for parking. Luke likes to go there sometimes. Just drive by the theater’s front for a few blocks and you’ll find it. Let me know if you find him. I’ll think of any other place he could be and let you know.”
And she was gone. I didn’t care because I was already in the car and driving toward the park by the time the call ended. As I neared the place, I steeled myself for more worrying in case he wasn’t there. I wasn’t sure what I’d do if hewasthere, but all I cared about at that moment was finding him. There was no other car there, but that wasn’t surprising since Luke would’ve taken a bus.
A breath whooshed out of me when I spotted Luke sitting on the far side of the park, facing away from the gate. I jogged toward him, but when I was a few paces away, I couldn’t stop myself from calling out to him. “You idiot!” Okay, I guess that was how we were starting.
Luke whirled around to face me, stumbling to his feet. His eyes were wide in surprise and red from crying, but the hint of fear in them made me stop a few steps away from him. He looked away from me before pulling his sleeves forward nervously, his lower lip quivering. “I—I’ll move out soon, I promise. I can—I can stay at Angie’s if you—”
“Do you really think so little of me, of my love for you?” My voice was a whisper, but he heard me and stopped speaking before meeting my eyes, his brows furrowed in confusion.
I took a step forward, making sure he knew what I was doing because I never wanted him to fear me. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I acted the way I did this morning, but Luke. You have to trust me. Trust me when I say I love you. Trust me when I say that nothing will change that fact. Trust me when I say that I only see strength, bravery, and a beautiful man with a beautiful heart when I look at you. Please." My voice broke at the last word as I begged for him toseehow much I loved him.
Luke’s mouth dropped open in shock, and if it hadn’t been such a serious moment, I would’ve laughed at his expression. “You do? Even after…” He rubbed his wrist as if reminding me of what he’d told me.
“Yes. Even after that. I can’t imagine what kind of hell you’ve been through, Luke. But I want to make sure you never have to experience anything like that ever again. I want to fill your life with joy and happiness and be there for you through the dark times. I’m not going anywhere, and I want you to stay with me. Will you?” I asked, extending my hand, palm up for him to take.
I held my breath as he gazed into my eyes for a bit as if to make sure I really meant it before taking my hand. I pulled him into a hug and held him tightly, burying my face in his silky raven hair that smelled faintly of strawberry. With him secure in my arms, I finally breathed a huge sigh of relief and let the tears flow.
23
Luke
AsScottdrovehome,I thought about what had happened. Now that he was back and the pain and anxiety were gone, I realized how stupid I’d been in jumping to conclusions. I’d let my fears get the better of me, again. I’d let them dominate my thoughts and make me believe that Scott had left, when my heart had known he’d never do that.
I turned to face him, squeezing his knee before I spoke. “I’m sorry. I—I do trust you, Scott. More than anyone else. The logical part of me knew you’d never do that to me, but when you left, the fear took over. It’s such a dark place.” My voice broke, but I pushed through, wanting him to understand. “It hurt so bad, and all I could think was that I’d been left, again. Then the dark thoughts started taking over, telling me I deserved it. How could I ever have thought I could be happy? Why would you stay when everyone leaves me?”
“Luke, I’d never—”
“I know, Scott.I know.But when the dark thoughts take over, nothing makes sense other than the fact that I don’t deserve good things and that everyone leaves. Those thoughts scare the shit out of me, Scott. And I don’t want to hear them again.” My voice was barely a whisper at that point, but of course, Scott heard everything.
“You won’t.” The conviction in his voice made me smile, and I squeezed his knee in a silent thank you.
His belief in me, more than anything, made me see that I needed to do better, that I needed tobebetter. I loved Scott, and I didn't want to hurt him again. I needed to get better for both of us.
